SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're well within your rights to disclose or not. But addiction to alcohol or any other drug is a whole different beast than World of Warcraft of underwater basket weaving.

So sorry you're hurting, Aubrie.

Anger because if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have to deal with it in the first place?

This is totally me. I have past issues I'm having to confront because of what KB did and I get royally pissed that I am forced to face them. Is it good I *am* facing them? Yes. Would it be great if QS faced them? Yes. I know that doesn't help much, but if anger is what QS is feeling, I'm right there with him. It's hard getting past that anger compiled on top of everything else.

Hang in there.

Anger because if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't have to deal with it in the first place?

This is what I hear from my BH regularly right now.

He's angry that we even know SI exists. IC has been good for us but he's angry at why we decided to do it. Our relationship is in many ways better than before the A, but it makes him mad. And I get it. I'm sick about what brought us here too.

Maybe this part is something that will be resolved as he works through this anger stage?

I hope so for all of us.

20wrongs.

I'm not wise or experienced enough to give you advice

I'm going to have to disagree with this. That was great insight from other members. You did well with that.

I don't know what the underlying issue is and it could be anything. I am wondering if he is terrified to face it, afraid of losing what you two have managed to rebuild out of the ashes. Afraid to look at himself or fearful that you won't like what you see.

I know that when I had to deal with my baggage (again) I lashed out simply because I didn't like what I saw. It was hard to take that first step, to let it out. It was, to put it mildly, terrifing. I was afraid that

I don't know what the underlying issue is and it could be anything. I am wondering if he is terrified to face it, afraid of losing what you two have managed to build out of the ashes. Afraid of losing you. Just a thought.

Re: QS's escape.

I feel like this is something we discuss down in the Menz Thread fairly often. I think a good number of us down there generally agree that post-DDAY, one of the things we advise new-ish BS guys to do is basically to stop worrying about the marriage so much, stop making it such a central part of the narrative of your life, and focus on doing the things that enrich your own life and make it better/more enjoyable. Maybe that's what QS is doing? I realize that you two have DDAYs a year or two back now, but you said it yourself: maybe he's just a really slow burn.

Now, from what I gather here it seems like maybe this is something a little bit different, maybe something that was an issue pre-A between the two of you. Pre-A, I had hobbies that my wife felt took too much time away from my marriage...she felt they were an issue, I did not. I know you said that he has admitted it's a problem as well..is it possible that he's agreeing with you just to get along, and that he doesn't really think it's an issue? Obviously, we here don't have enough insight into your marriage to know the answer, just putting it out there. Good luck.

It sounds like this is the pattern:

1) He has bad day.

2) He says you are doing X wrong, whatever X is.

3) Y'all fight about it.

4) He lashes out and retreats.

You are 50% of this pattern. You can't change what he does, but you can change what YOU do. So skip step #3 - just literally walk away.

Can't do that. If I do, he feels I'm rejecting and/or abandoning him. So I stand there. Because he needs to know I'm not running or hiding or abandoning.

I haven't left this thread btw, there's unfortunately nothing to report. The advice here is solid and I appreciate every voice. However, we haven't talked. We have gotten thru the weekend and back into another work week. It's quiet. But not a good quiet.

I'm just going to sit back from the whole shebang. Maybe I shouldn't care if he works on it or not. Maybe I should but it's not time yet. Maybe he'll work on it, maybe he won't. Guess time will tell. I'm too tired today to care either way.

I don't post in wayward much. In fact, this may be my first! And I don't have much to add, but I did want to say, Aubrie that I'm really rooting for you guys. Hang in there. As a BS, I really wish my WS had hung in there and done the hard work. He didn't/couldn't.

I hate to say "just give him time", but as you say, he's a slow burn and needs that time. Just keep being there for him, it WILL matter in the long run...