SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When someone becomes an ex, it's over. Permanently. It wasn't just a friendship, it was intimate. And for similar reasons why there in no contact in an affair, there shouldn't be contacts with exes. It's not fair to future partners, and a risk not worth taking.

The only exception I can see with this, is when children are involved.

I'm struggling so much right now. I wonder if my SO has given X#1 false hope or real hope. Sending her a gift from a place they both dreamed of visiting together is something I cannot get over. Soon after that was sent is when her family (mom and brother) came to visit and he showed them the city (while I was out of town). He never talked fondly of this X except that she was a true love to him at one time, and he never said he was still close to her. It just seems like he opened the door for her. AND she is married with children and was willing to cheat on her H to be with him before we got together. So I highly suspect she is still trying to be w/my bf. I normally wouldn't think he'd want to be with her but his actions show otherwise.

Last night I got home before him which is unusual because I practice derby late at night. Where did he go? He said he was going to stay in and rest. I noticed that he messaged her on FB the day he blocked her but I cannot find any more messages or chats. UGH. I have a feeling he was talking to her which is why he wasn't home (secret conversation). Then he slept on the couch and watched a film about Egypt (their dream location). It surprised me a little because I thought he was going to rugsweep again because I was acting normal and talking, just not being overly nice or going out of my way. Maybe he can sense I'm still mad OR he feels remorse? I doubt that.

I just don't know how he can make these actions innocent or claim that it is ok to be her "friend" when he NEVER told me that before. How is it ok to send a gift to an ex? Especially a meaningful one?

Even if nothing is going on, I don't feel to be the #1 woman in his life anymore and that hurts like hell because I always think of him.

Sending her a gift from a place they both dreamed of visiting together is something I cannot get over.

Gently, if this is true then defend your boundaries. What are the consequences? More talking?

It seems to me that this guy seeks attention and validation outside of his primary relationship. He likes having the extra entanglement/excitement. This is round 2 that you know of.

Do you want to spend your time policing him? Because in some way, I think he gets off on having you there to defy.

Being able to discuss your unreasonableness gives him additional fishing, bonding material for him to work with on his side relationships.

You are not #1. I don't think the other women are either. He is #1. He will do what feeds his needs first and foremost. Despite how they effect you or anyone else.

He may say what you want to hear. But his actions say different. Stop looking for him to be what he is not. Accept him for who he is or next him. I don't see any other option.

You can't change him.

You do not deserve this.

Thanks, redrock! Exactly what I'm thinking.

And that statement is completely true. He told me he sent her a gift from Egypt. (He went there this past June.) He only told me because I asked him after reading a conversation between him and her on FB. Then he proceeded to tell me that he and she dreamed of going there together which is why he just HAD to send it.

What a selfish jerk.

I know this is an older post but this deserves a bump. WAL, this is genius... I guess this is how I always felt about the issue but never could quite verbalize as coherently as you.

[Quote] I don't believe in friendship with exes. I think can be "on friendly terms" with an ex (i.e., you ask how their spouse/kids are when you run into them at the grocery store), but I don't think it's a good idea to invite them into your day-to-day life.

My wife is on friendly terms with most of the guys she dated in high school to this day (not surprising: we live in a small town). Guess what? Every time we see one of those guys -- and we do; sometimes they were even coaches for football or whatever -- my first thought is always "That guy used to fuck my wife."

Which might sound odd, but if you live in a small town most of your life (and you're a dude, likely), you understand this. There's no animosity there, just awareness. And if you're the dude who used to fuck the wife in question, you're careful to be respectful to the dude who's fucking her now, especially if that dude is her husband and the father of her children. You don't talk about the "old days", and if you do, you explicitly avoid the old days when we were dating.

In other words, dude code means that you acknowledge what you represent to the husband (i.e., a sexual rival, even if that was way in the past), and you make it clear that you have no intention of presenting as a current rival.

The problem with exes is that the primary barrier to sexual activity in most cases is proposing it (i.e., getting over the wall of potential rejection). If you've had a sexual relationship with someone, then the big obstacle has already been scaled. Everybody involved knows that under the right circumstances, we'd fuck each other. I don't think you forget that. You can't go back to a place where that wall wasn't scaled.

Choosing to stay friends with an ex and invite them into a more intimate relationship puts the spouse in the position of having to stay aware of rivalry. It's demanding a level of trust that is overbearing, honestly.

(And I'm a firm believer that in every situation where one spouse wants to be friends with an ex that it should be a rule that the other spouse has to be friends with one of their exes, too. If *you* can be friends with an ex, but the idea of your spouse doing it with any one of their exes makes you squiggly, then you're exploiting trust for some sort of selfish payoff that you haven't acknowledged to yourself. You're probably saying something like "well, my exes aren't sluts" or "my exes and I have grown past that". I don't buy it, and likely can't be talked into it. If you're the exception to that rule, object all you want with the understanding that I find the point inarguable and have already concluded you're full of shit on this topic. It's not personal and I still like you.) [/Quote]

[This message edited by hill at 11:51 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]