I don't know if TR can help with this, because part of me thinks she just expects it, or feels entitled.
She may or may not. I will say that my leap to this gentler side of things was only possible with a remorseful and grateful spouse. Honestly until I got that I wasn't even willing to try to see it like that.
It was kind of like I was protecting myself until I saw her honest and vulnerable for awhile.
I sometimes forget that not everybody is in the same situation.
The gift part you can work on later. I would try to move beyond this was something that destroyed you to it is something you survived or conquered. That got me through a lot of rough days.
It also helped to view the A as "her problem" within the M. The evidence was sufficient to warrant a D. It was up to her to show me why I would "want" (read choose) my own M. She dug in and worked on her own issues and help show me she was worth the risk. Without that, I would probably be D today.
Detaching works for some too. Go fishing, golfing, wood working, etc. Whatever you like to do and do that. Put your focus into something else. If she slips further, you don't have to be in a M that does not enhance your life. You are entitled to be happy.
Just my .02. Sometimes you have to remind an entitled spouse. Also I firmly believe that entitlement and remorse aren't compatible. They weren't in my case. Only when one left did I see the other emerge.
