SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dieing would be easier

I felt this way for a bit.

It would.

It would have gotten me out of feeling all this guilt and shame, anger, disappointment in myself.

It would have gotten me out of having to do the hard work of healing myself.

It would have gotten me away from the pain on chicho's face.

You notice that these are ALL ABOUT ME.

The ultimate escape. Run away, hide these were my coping mechanisms for too long.

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.

I'm sure you could.

But why?

I wanted them to suffer too, for a minute.

But I said fuck it, and let it go.

No one is discounting their actions, but it really is out of your hands.

The sooner you let this go, the sooner you can move on with your healing. IMHO.

The longer you continue to think like this the longer you keep them involved in your M.

^^^ Bingo!

EF,

If karma came and knocked this guy in the head, you still wouldn't be happy. Why? Because you would find fault with whatever happened to him.

If he bought a brand new sports car, pulled out of his driveway, and got hit by a bus, you would feel the punishment wasn't good enough because he only suffered a broken arm and bruised face from the airbag. Sure his car is totaled and he's in pain, but he didn't "suffer enough".

If he died in a home invasion, you would feel slightly better that he was dead, but then you'd be pissed because he's dead, his life is over, and you're still stuck with the consequences of your affair.

Look. Doesn't matter. Really doesn't.

The chances of the OM apologizing to CL are non-existent. And I guarantee you, even if they did, he wouldn't feel any better about the fact his wife was fucking around. Somehow "I'm sorry" from the OM just doesn't quite cut it.

My husband doesn't want to see or hear anything from my OM. Ever. At all. The best thing for him is that we are all NC and he doesn't have to worry about some douche canoe showing up on our doorstep, a text on my phone, or an email in Outlook. NC, NC, NC. Physical and mental.

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.

I am confident if you keep putting this much time and energy into vengeance on the OM, CL will walk. Your focus is completely in the wrong place. It should be on YOU and your actions. Not OM. CL didn't marry them. CL married you. And he deserves a wife that will get to the bottom of her "whys", who is NC with the OM, who is 100000% in the marriage, and is committed to healing the relationship. That EF, is what you need to be putting your time and energy into.

Dieing would be easier

For who? You? What are your reasons? We don't need to see them here. But you need to think about that. I think once you list them, you'll realize that that's an incredibly selfish way to think.

Good to read this thread. Very good wisdom being dispensed. VERY.

JD

I am confident if I put enough time and energy I would figure out a way to make them suffer.

this is crazy making - you know that right? Does CL know you spend an inordinate amount of time & energy thinking about your xOM's? How do you think that makes him feel?

The longer you continue to think like this the longer you keep them involved in your M.

BINGO. I'm sure CL ain't too keen on this notion. In fact, I believe if you stay on this path, you will lose your husband. You are on a very slippery slope here - be careful.

EF, do you feel helpless in your current situation? It's very common to feel anger when feeling helpless and looking for blame externally is easy when we feel we can't fix shit ourselves.

You can, though. It may be hard and it may be scary, but you can fix this yourself. The shadows you're boxing are part of your past. You are the only reality in the present. You are the only one you can control. You have the power to do just that.

Start. Take steps. Talk with CL. If you have a job focus on that if not focus on getting one. Start living your life instead of spinning shit around in your brain. Actions take multiple resources. You'll find your plate full on just you. No need to faff about with others.

Thanks all for having so much of patience with me.

I don’t really spend days and nights thinking about this.. maybe couple of hrs in a month. When I am really pissed off. And when that happens I focus on *if I hadn’t let them in my life their existence wouldn’t matter to me.* which makes me angrier at myself and the whole situation.

Its true that no amount of their suffering would be good enough and death will be too easy for them.

I had no idea he was mocking CL. Everytime I think about it, it hurts all the more. I cringe thinking CL was put in that position bcz of me. I guess I just want to give a message loud and clear “You messed with wrong people”

I do discuss it with CL whenever I am way overwhelmed with these thoughts. The reason I even posted was bcz I truly want to move forward from this point and not coming back to it again and again.

If I am not seeking revenge I need to be ok with why not. Right now I feel like a wuss. That somebody can come, blow our world and I wouldn’t even retaliate.

And before anybody points it out .. yes I know I blew it but they helped. It wouldnt have been possible without that.

[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 11:48 AM, August 22nd (Thursday)]