SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

lieshurt:

I contracted genital herpes from a cheating spouse... I have very frequent breakouts... Realistically, it has altered my life in a lot of ways. But, I am not going to die from it. Yes, it is more than a nuisance for me; but, over 80% of the people who contract it never even know they have it.

bradychu, I could never knowingly allow somebody to be subjected to an incurable STD. Just like I couldn't just walk by a bleeding person laying in the middle of the road.

Nobody ever said doing the right thing was easy or convenient. It doesn't mean we shouldn't do it though when it's not.

lieshurt:

If you had asked me this question last year, I would have agreed with you 100%. Just like you don't know how you would handle adultery until you are faced with it...

A more accurate analogy would be a bleeding person who is 99% likely going to survive and 80% likely to not even know they are bleeding. And, I would have to potentially sacrifice my kids futures for...

Well brady, if you have your mind made up, then why are you even asking? You are shooting down every single comment here as basically unimportant and irrelevant, so why are you asking? You even know it's the right thing to do, so why are you so adamant and against all the advice?

These guys are going to be doing their own damage control when it comes out, they won't have time to try to contact your kids. I can't even recall a small handful of times out of my 5 years on this board and over 40,000 members where the kids ever found out by the AP. Having the OBS's eyes on this will help make sure your wife doesn't "slip" back into the backseat of one of those cars again. It's textbook, tell the OBS. Especially since you have an STD and you know they were exposed to it.

I guess at the end of the day, you are the one that has to answer for your own wrongdoings. And this, IMO, definitely falls under that category.

I have kids to worry about too, yet I called the OBH and let him know about his exposure to the STD our spouse's swapped. My kids have no idea that anything has ever happened, the OBH just wanted to work on his M like I wanted to work on mine. Statistically, you will likely never even hear from these guys. Especially since their very jobs will be at risk if you do.

I guess at the end of the day, you are the one that has to answer for your own wrongdoings. And this, IMO, definitely falls under that category.

^^^This.

Stop being co-dependent.

Your wife needs to solve this...not you.

She should probably talk to a lawyer and the county health department (maybe the website has some info on it). Perhaps the county health department can send a letter to those parties that are affected?

A therapist can offer some guidance and hand holding through this process.

doestgetbetter:

I understand your point. Did you have a husband with suicidal tendencies? One who you have truly worried wouldn't be there when you woke up? One who suffers from sever depression? I am not worried about these men approaching my children. I AM worried about having to tell them mommy killed herself...

My reason for coming here is to see if I am not thinking of something. Some way this could affect us that I am not thinking of.

And, I know a lot of you have asked about the depression. This is something that she has dealt with for a very long time. In many ways it has nearly ended our marriage and was certainly a factor in her affairs.

It has taken years for me to get her to see that she needed treatment. Years more to get her to understand that stopping meds cold turkey is a very bad thing. And have unsuccessfully been trying to get her into therapy. I am not sure quite what to do on that one.

It sounds like her depression has ruled your home. It has clearly affected your marriage,and it is surely affecting your children.

WHY won't she seek help?

How many times has she seriously attempted suicide? And by "seriously" I mean what actions did she take to show you she meant it..not a light scrape across her wrists..not a handful of Tylenol..has she seriously attempted to take her life?

Did you have a husband with suicidal tendencies? One who you have truly worried wouldn't be there when you woke up

Since you ask, yes I did. He had threatened suicide several times and enjoyed telling me he would drive off the nearest bridge and then shutting his phone off for an hour or two.

Yes, it has ruled our house. And, I am not sure why she won't seek help. We have discussed it. Some of it has to do with feeling like a failure at life. Some of it has to do with poor self esteem. Some of it I am sure is financial (right now we honestly can't afford it).

Serious attempts, none. But, serious discussions plenty! More than enough to seriously worry me and her closest friends.

And, I am not sure why she won't seek help.

Because she doesn't have to. She controls you with the threat of suicide. If she gets better, she can't do that. You've allowed her to do this to you and your kids. Honestly, she's a bigger threat to your kids than anybody at this point.

Look her ass up when she threatens suicide again. Otherwise, this is a cycle that won't end.

Im sorry..but it sounds as if she uses suicide to manipulate you. And it works. The next time she threatens it..you need to call 911. First,that is what you are supposed to do when someone says they're going to kill themselves. Second,it will force her to get the help she needs. And third,if she is using this to manipulate you,she won't do it again.

So the next time she seems like she will, call 911 and have her committed.

I'm sorry, I have little sympathy. I've been suicidal much of my life. I have cut myself, I have otherwise hurt myself. All of those are MY choices, no matter how my emotions are at the time. In the end they are my choices.

If it is an issue, she needs to get help. If its not, then she needs to stop using it to manipulate people.

Damn man- do you know how many of us BSs have been suicial? And yet your WW is using it to have multiple As, to control R, to control pretty much everything. Guess she has enough sanity and strength to know exactly when to play the card and get you to let go of what she doesn't want to deal with.

I'm curious as to whether or not your wife (and you) got other STD tests, or just the herpes one.

HIV can take 6 months to detect. So unless it has been 6 months and you have been retested, she could be running around with that from one of these men as well.

As a nurse in a community health clinic, as a mom, and as a Betrayed Wife, I don't have anything positive at all to say about your choice to tell three men you know are liars about an STI and trust them to do the right thing and tell their spouses.

Your justifications about being concerned about the kids because their mom might kill herself don't make sense to me.

If you tell the WSs by proxy as you are planning, and then they go home and do the right thing and tell their BWs...will your wife kill herself?

Why would she kill herself because YOU were the one that told the BWs? That just doesn't make sense to me.

Threatening suicide is manipulative and a form of abuse. She is emotionally abusing you, and I guarantee she will emotionally abuse your children as well. DON'T let her get away with it. Next time she threatens suicide, don't give her whateverthe heck she wants. Have her taken to the hospital- they will treat her depression whether she likes it or not.

Bradychu,

We have something in common, our WS cheated on us with a cop(s). My fWWs AP was also on duty time, but not in the squad car. He used the police email blackberry to email and sext with my fWW.

When I found out, I was so pissed at the cop. He is a deputy chief of police, so I had limited choices on who to tell. Because I couldn't find out who is GF was at the time, I went straight to the Chief of Police. On the front he was upset, caring and seemed to be willing to 'make this right'. As it turns out, he is just as corrupt as the deputy (the chief runs a business from his office on city time). Well he was and still is friends with AP, so he only got a slap on the wrist.

So eventually I found the GF on Facebook. I sent her a couple of messages, but I think they were intercepted by the corrupt cop. I also sent a letter to the house but never heard anything.

You need to do the same thing I did...tell the wives (and tell them of the STD) and tell the Chief of Police/IA. Fuck them and they need to pay the price for what they did. Don't worry about them coming after you or your family. You have enough to worry about. I think once the wives and work chew at both ends of their asses, they will tow the line.

For me, I HATE cops now. I can't stand to be around them. My fWWs AP is a self-centered, conceited, fucking asshole who thinks he's entitled to do whatever the fuck he wants. I saw his facebook when I was looking for GF and he's such a douchebag. I'm pretty sure he intercepted my messages or convinced GF I was accusing him falsely, because the got married 6 months after D-Day. Well I tried, she can have his sorry ass. I tried to warn her.

Dude, The wives deserve to know and know about the STD. The cops deserve to get fucked at work. Take care of yourself and don't worry about what happens to them.

[This message edited by SecondHelping at 7:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]

I understand your point. Did you have a husband with suicidal tendencies? One who you have truly worried wouldn't be there when you woke up? One who suffers from severe depression?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes to all of the above PLUS serious, serious physical illness---life-threatening illness that is exacerbated by mental stress. (He is, in fact, in an emergency room at this very moment, because of this illness.)

For years, I allowed his illness to direct MY behavior. It was a horrendous mistake that harmed me and my kids so much more than exposure ever would (or did---because exposure did ultimately occur and frankly, it was a relief).

Ultimately, I held him accountable. I told the other BS. I told him of potential exposure to STDs, because I had been infected.

What happened? Shit hit the fan---big-time. BUT--and here's the important part--my WH got himself to a better psychiatrist and to an IC who holds him accountable.

He did not kill himself. Interestingly, he stopped even threatening once I changed MY response.

Consider that you need professional guidance in learning to best help your seriously ill wife--that your approach is harmful rather than helpful.

Your rationale for not telling the other BSs is flawed.

If you are genuinely concerned that your wife is going to kill herself, call 911. Have her put into the hospital for a 72-hour evaluation, during which time you can work with her doctor to put into place a treatment plan. Insist on counseling---if she's struggling with lifelong depression, this should not even be an OPTION.

Dude, you're going to need to rock the boat if you want the woman you love to get better. And if you want your marriage and family to survive.

You're struggling mightily to preserve something that is rotten.

Why? Why not risk a life that's BETTER?

ETA: the immorality of withholding STD info from the other BSs is indisputable; that they might unknowingly transmit herpes with devastating effect to neonates is 100 percent preventable, and failing to make prevention possible is despicable. Telling the cheating OPs is not sufficient. Find a way, anonymous if you must, to at least let these women know enough to protect potential unborn children.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:28 PM, August 21st (Wednesday)]