SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes know each other since we arrived back in Germany September 2011...met her with a group of old friends...only met her H once. I wanted to tell my W tonight but got nervous...I am thinking of sparing her the apin since she would never find out anyway (yes the A is over). And yes also because I do not have the courage. I am rationilizing but wouldn't it be better if she never knew...at least she wont hurt...right? But I know I wanted to know everything when she had her A. But I wish I never found out....thoughts??? Not just insults please...thank you

Do you feel it would be better if you never found out about your W's affair? You can't have it both ways...it doesn't work that way.

You expect certain things from your wife...honesty, transparency and respect. And now that you've cheated, your wife deserves those same things from you.

One question. Who's insulting you? All I see are honest questions and comments. Do they bother you? Why do you think that is? Do you think that maybe it's because those comments have truth in them and you are scared to look at it?

I know when I first came to SI and people started calling me on my crap, I was scared stiff. They had my number. And I told them they were being big meanie heads and they didn't understand me. On the contrary. They knew me better than I knew myself. Why? Because they had already traveled this road.

It doesn't matter if you have known your AP for 2 or 20 years, unless you live in their home, you literally have no idea what their home life is like. At all. You just don't. All you can do is take her word for it. And it's a fact of life that cheaters lie. I lied to my AP. He lied to me. We tell each other these lies to make one another feel good. It's part of the fantasy.

You do realize that you are being tremendously hypocritical right? You demanded to know everything about your wife's affair but you cannot extend to her the same courtesy of transparency?

As long as you keep this hidden and continue with these lovey-dovey feelings for your AP, you keep the affair alive. It's a continual betrayal not only to yourself, but your wife. Your wife has every right to know what she's married to.

Good luck.

her husband has ignored her for two years

Yeah, I was amazed to learn what my wife had been saying about me during her A, and in the months leading up to it. Had no idea I was that rotten. But shortly after D Day, I became a precious commodity to be held onto at all costs. The PRIZE as we say around here. The esteem I was held in went from the gutter to dizzying heights.

The biggest problems BS' have is the same problem that all spouses have to a certain extent - we represent real life. Which means bills, mortgages, crying babies, bratty teens, laundry, car trouble, grocery shopping, demanding jobs, bad hair days, and the alarm going off at ungodly hours of the morning. Being a husband or wife is many wonderful things, but "sexy" usually isn't one of them. At least not on a daily basis. That's why commitment is the key aspect of such a relationship.

I can't put my finger on it, but something seems........off. Almost two different pappabear voices in the two threads. Zero remorse but, nevertheless, still comes to SI. Brushes off criticism, ignores advice.

Spidey sense is tingling.

she was in tears and I got scared and held her...she looked up and kissed me...we kissed for at least 5 minutes...

Oh, I see, you have those kind of lips that act out on their own volition. Kind of like the recent WH who said he didn't send texts to his OW, his thumbs did. It all makes sense now.

I hope that wasn't insulting, I just wanted to show you how nonsensical your statement was. Of course you made a choice and, as nik says, until you own that you won't "get it".

I am sorry you lost your courage to tell your BW. I feel she needs to know. You can't build a healthy marriage with lies and secrets between you. I can understand how scarey and hard it will be to tell. You can do it though. Many have and survived and, in fact, thrived.

Oh, boy. Choose one quote below, Pappa. Then choose to get real.

"Houston, we have a problem..."

Apollo 13

"We're gonna need a bigger boat..."

Jaws

You keep this up and I'm gonna bump my first SI post. Believe me, you DON'T want that!

Gently:

Please, take the cotton from your ears and put it in your mouth. Time to listen and learn...and put on your big boy pants.

I know. I've been there.

JD

I can't put my finger on it, but something seems........off. Almost two different pappabear voices in the two threads.

Boy, no kidding. I don't usually look in wayward unless a thread peek on the main page looks like something I want to read. Glad the 2 threads got put together in the same forum.

I'm out

Don't excactly know what you mean by the 2 threads...anyway I was hoping to get more BS opinions here. No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing. If I am wrong I APPOLIGIZE!!!! Never the less the cat is out the bag...all the info is out and I left out nothing. Kim is not as upset as I thought she would be which makes me worry a little. She said she understands why...she like the AP still (since we are all friends). We are all going to dinner tonight to discuss our situation (akward). My W has always been smarter than me and I think she realizes this situation no matter how wrong it was. Reading back on this thread I do see how is sounds un-remoursful; I assure you I am...dosen't always come out in text format

No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing.

And here you've accomplished that for yourself in just one post. My aren't you the overachiever.

Well, since you apparently haven't read here much you would find not comments but questions, shared experiences, difficult challenges, brainstorming through them. The posts in this forum kept me directed, supported, honest, focused. They made me feel not alone, but respected my individual situation. They challenged me to look deeper, try harder while giving me ideas of where to look and what to look for.

I was lost, angry, hurt, enraged. This forum, it's members, some now my closest friends, provided guidance and lighted my way to help me see when I was so blind by my own pain I couldn't even make out shapes.

No offense? Sir, you passed offense well before the "APPOLOGIZE". Shame on you.

[This message edited by uncertainone at 11:38 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

The majority of the posters on this thread are Betrayed Spouses, pappabear.

You have another thread going in the Wayward forum, too. This thread started in General, I think, and then was moved to Wayward (here). The other thread is called "can't believe I am here now".

No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing

Wow. Just....wow. Pot, meet kettle.

And for the record, you received about 11 posts from BSs compared to 4-5 from WS.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:48 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

...anyway I was hoping to get more BS opinions here. No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing.

I love this..."no offense...but I am going to say the most offensive thing possible" Brilliant!

Did you really just post this?

Are you actually here asking for advice and then calling everyone in this forum inauthentic?

The reason you are not getting responses from BS's may be because we know the the guidelines for posting on the wayward forum, and we don't want to get banned.

The advice you have received from the previous posters has been spot on. I, as a BS can't offer anything you anything more than what the other waywards have said. Their advice has been honest, observant, out of kindness, and out of personal experience.

ETA: I just went back and re-read who commented on your post. You have both BS's and Former Waywards commenting on your thread.

Good luck with your journey. I hope at some point you get honest with yourself.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 11:51 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing.

*speaking as a member*

After what I have read from you in the last couple of days, I can't help but feel you are talking about yourself more than anyone else here. Who are you really pointing the finger at?

You talk about your wife being okay about things... how did you feel on d-day? Do you think she might be in shock a bit? Her disposition towards you might change really quickly once it all sinks in. Her disposition towards the AP might change quickly once it all sinks in.

And what about your AP's husband... is he going out to dinner with you, too? How does he feel about all of this? Or is he still in the dark and not part of your equation?

I don't think you know what you've done here, and I don't think you know what you're getting into, which is really sad, considering you have been on the other side of betrayal before.

Keep us posted... I think you might be in for a rude awakening once everything truly hits the fan.

@uncertainone

My aren't you the overachiever.

I just blew coffee through my nose onto my tie. I'm sending you the cleaning bill.

@pappa: since you don't respect anyone here, why are you here? Speaking solely for myself, any apology from you wouldn't be worth the pixels it's printed on. That being said, I hope there will be a time, when your head emerges from your rectum, that will find you embracing and engaging in a respectful manner with the people here, most of whom, with precious few exceptions, are trying to get help, learn, share, grow, and become a better, safer, happier self.

JD

No offense but replies from FWW and FWH's are fishy to me because it seems like you guys stay here and comment on peoples posts too make yourselfs feel better about what you did or maybe are still doing

this? coming from a now WH! My response contains two words that total 7 letters and if I post it here, I will likely get banned. Instead, I will say this - that was some fucked up shit for you to say. Do you feel better about yourself now? Oh and need I remind you, none of the FWS's that have taken the time & energy to respond to you are still actively engaged in an affair - but YOU ARE.

No offense? Sir, you passed offense well before the "APOLOGIZE". Shame on you

X2 - and I don't get offended easily. Man, do I feel sorry for your wife. I can only imagine the hell you put her through when you held the sole title of BS.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:18 PM, August 29th (Thursday)]

Let's all take a step back and let what has been written sink in. Pappabear has a lot to digest.

PB,

I am curious as to how much you actually read the wayward forum when you were here before and why you have that opinion.

So if her BH ignored her for yrs why didn't she sit down with him and say "honey I have a problem with how OUR marriage is going and feel that I'm not #1 in your eyes " and if this doesn't change we need to sit down and see where we stand" did she do that? Does any WS do that?

No we wayward don't sit down and discuss our feelings and what ever disappointments we have in the relationship, but boy can we run to the computer and place an add or flirt and engage with the cute co worker across the room.

You have to take a really good look at your actions and ask why you were willing to hurt your kids and family life for something that has a 90% of failing (a relationship with an affair partner) .

Even now your attitude is glib and condescending towards others that were making or made the wrong choices.

I can say without a doubt that I would never cheat again because I do not want to be that person ever again.