SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@1ost0ne ~ that is great!

One trigger at a time!

lost0ne- I am so happy that you were able to take back a trigger! Good for you!

My affair consisted of kissing and a blow job, so those acts were very hard on my husband. He did make them his own again, by basic 'exposure'. He didn't generally mention that beforehand, but we did talk about it. Sometimes when he triggered so badly we couldn't continue, sometimes in non sexual conversations. As for my experience - I did have difficult moments. I've triggered the early 'what have I done'-panic a few times. It helped to keep my eyes open and focus on my husband and the sensory input from his body - thouch, look, scent, sound, taste. Helped me get back to a better emotional connection.

~L.

So, I thought I would update my post.

This past weekend I was going to try to take back one particular sexual trigger that I have been unable to initiate since Dday. I didn't think I had any other triggers regarding sex. Turns out I do.

WH and I went away for the weekend and stayed at a hotel. (Backstory- WH and OW went from an EA to a PA while WH was on business trips and they stayed together at hotels.) The first night as we became physically intimate, the mind movies flooded in imagining them together. I tried to hold it together but began crying. WH wanted to stop and hold me but I told him I needed him to finish. I did not expect my reaction. It was basic sex that we have had plenty of since Dday but the setting was the trigger.

Afterwards, we held each other. I ended up telling him that I had planned to try to take back a trigger during the weekend but it wasn't that and now I didn't think I could do it. He was supportive of whatever I wanted.

The next time we had sex at the hotel during the weekend, it went much better and I hardly triggered at all. Hopefully, that solves that one and now I can try to work on the one that still eludes me. Perhaps we will have to practice at home first.

Thank you to everyone for responses. It really helps to be able to "talk" about these things with others who understand. I have no one IRL to talk to.

I'm not sure how long it will take for me to ever give my WH a BJ again. Why get on my knees for him & give him something I know he so badly wants! Feels to me like I would be rewarding him. Massive trigger for me so I'm steering clear. DDay was just over 4mths ago so maybe my perspective on this will change? Interesting how for so many of us BJs are triggers. In my case the whore OW offering to blow him in her car is what won him over. Makes me sick. I want to take all my triggers back but they make me feel vulnerable. Is that normal? I'm so scared that he'll be thinking about her - he may tell me that's not the case but really, I'll never know.

Would be interesting to get WS perspectives on this.

So glad I found this post. I have struggled with this as well. He says it was not exciting or adventurous but ... There had to be some connection. So... Since i didn't ask for details, I play the mind movie game and it sucks. We definitely went through HB and to be honest it opened us up to new things and greater connections. I was hurt though because we have always been pretty adventurous- that was OUR thing.

I am ashamed to say that one night I imagined I was her. I experienced my husband for the first time as a new lover. I know it sounds twisted and it did kill the moment in the beginning- but then I realized- I'm better than her. 15 years of this and I know what he likes. A tussle on her couch is nothing compared to what he and I have explored and enjoyed together. So, now... I'm rocking it. I am finally bein more demanding and taking the time to make sure I enjoy it- I'm not just doing it for him.

I guess- for now of course- we all know how this roller coaster goes- but for now- I am confident that what we have is ours because I know him better than anyone. For awhile I felt I was being desperate trying to be "better" than her. Now I realize she has no place in it. I'm doing it for me now- and for us.