SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok. If she texts again I reply saying further contact and I will contact police/lawyers regarding restraining order.

He doesn't want to face her but is that not letting him off the hook?

Maybe that doesn't matter

She will definitely turn up if I do that. She's convinced I'm forcing him to stay. I thought him speaking to her would get the message across better

Opinions are very welcome

And I'm working on the emasculating. I've booked an appointment for me to start counselling. He tells me he will arrange to see his psych. I think couple counselling will be needed but not yet. I want to get my shit together a bit first. Is that right? I was planning to do some work on me and see how we are in a couple of months when the immediate dust has settled

There is no right or wrong in this. And as my sister (who is a lawyer) once told me, you don't have to rush into anything right now. Take the time you need to get yourself together and then see how you feel. That way no matter what happens you can look back and feel comfort in the knowledge that you did everything you could to save your marriage. Affairs are so devistating and there is nothing wrong with wanting to take care of yourself first.

As far as he goes, well he needs to step up and tell her that he does not want to see her again, with your present (phone, speaker phone..whatever). That proves to both of you that he has made his decision and he is committing to it.

I think detachment in the sense I was using it in my advice to you wasn't the best choice of words for what I meant to say..

I think the focus needs to be on you, your sanity, healthy ways to get thru each day..

A lot of healing needs to happen for you first, no need to decide whether to leave or commit to rebuilding the marriage...Not just yet..Give it six months to a year and reassess your feelings and whether your WH's words match his actions...

You are gonna need priority of attention and care in regards to the trauma that you faced...It is best to come to terms with the fact that this somebody so close and immediate in your family would lie and betray you in such a manner before you set out to care for this particular person's needs..

R isn't going to look all that appealing (in fact it won't work) if you are the one putting in the most work with most of the attention and sympathy focused on WH's needs.. Your anger will come when it comes and it is too bad but your WH is going to have to deal with it, because you don't need to be holding back for his protection..A challenge may be to find healthy ways to release and express your anger..

A WS needs to own the damage caused by his/her lying and cheating ...He /she needs to realize that the damage he caused may be irreparable...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:44 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Ooops, we cross posted..

Please please don't worry about whether or not you are insulting your H's manliness...You have enough on your plate right now..

What I said in my previous post, focus on yourself and your healing...If you have to worry about insulting your WH's fragile ego than it sounds like you or your WH (or both)is blaming you for his cheating..

It will suck and it is not fair for you to go thru a marriage and a lifetime with a partner who consciously or subconsciously implies to you that he will cheat if you say the wrong word or do the wrong thing..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:05 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Marathonwaseasy: If she texts, calls, comes by, anything. IGNORE her. Crickets. Dont respond to texts - you or him, do answer her calls, no answer the door if she shows up at it. Call the police if she comes to your door and wont go away. Its best to send the message that she doesnt exist from both of you. your WH owes this to you.

* I mean DONT answer the door* sorry...

(((Marathonwaseasy)))

Gently...why are you procrastinating getting your phone #'s changed?? If it is important that you keep your number, block her...now.

Firstly, it is not important what the crazy whore thinks. Push her and her creepy thoughts/actions out of your marriage. Start there.

Your WH and you should be turning to each other in all things...there is no room in your marriage for sympathy or any other feeling other than loathing for the that CCW (cray-cray whore).

Now is the time to gather your children close and turn inward to each other.

Let him help YOU, allow him to soothe YOU, Protect YOU.

He wants to be a KISA, let him be your KISA!

Doggiediva is right. You and your healing have to come first and when the shock of discovery wears off...well...all hell is going to break loose and you are going to get really MAD!

Anger is part of the grieving process. This is why everyone is saying don't rugsweep. YOU must be able to get through this crapfest and you will need his loving support.

Even through his mental illness, he may surprise you with HIS strength and love for you...Let him show you.

I have to keep my number for work. Was waiting for her text last night. Didn't happen.

We went out to the cinema just the two of us. Was mostly lovely. At other times horrific but we did talk. We are talking a lot and it's painful but necessary.

Have tracked down her number from his mobile bills and seen the extent of his texting habit :(

But he's phoning her tonight on speaker phone to tell her it's over and if she turns up he will call the police. Then I will block her number

He's very worried she will threaten suicide but tough.

He will be strong. I've told him that it's either that or he loses me completely and I have no choice not to be strong

He spoke to her and he fell apart afterwards. He's trying to be strong. She was so cold and arrogantly saying she knew he was only saying that because I was listening. She knew better. It didn't count.

Whatever she thinks isn't important. I know that. I can see her coming round looking for him. I've blocked and deleted her number. He's staying away from home when the kids aren't there. Because he's really scared of her. He's devestated. I really feel for him but FFS I'm bloody hurting too. I'm starting counselling next week thankfully and he's going back to his psych.

So.....

This is my new reality

I'm mostly ok. Still in shock really. Ongoing rollercoaster

But I'm confused

It's still the first thought on my mind every morning. I know I have a long way to go. WH is trying so hard but most importantly he's listening to me. He had a mini breakdown Friday night. He used to keep so much hidden from me but its all holes barred now. A lifetime of trauma. How can I feel so sad for him and yet be so broken by his actions?

Trying to get my head round the 180. I don't think I'm doing it right. It says as I read it, hide your pain. I can't see why that's right. I'm not begging him or following him around but if I'm feeling particularly bad I tell him. If poor communication between us was the first step to our marriage struggling then surely we need good communication now.

I take 50% responsibility for our marriage. 0% for his affair

I have told him I will strive to forgive but I need to recover. I'm starting IC. I have made love to him. I have told him I love him. I do love him. But I hate him too.

From what you are telling us in your posts, I think there is a lot of hope for you guys to save your M..

Your WH has to be the one to inspire and do the heavy lifting in regards to the healing of your relationship..The fact that you guys both still want to make love (to one another) is also a good sign..

For me, my WH was and still is un remorseful in the aftermath of D-day..He claims that I didn't give him enough of the quantity and quality of sex to keep him from straying...

So.., Do I want to try to keep him in the M by bending over backwards to give him all the perfect sex that he wants? Do I want that constant niggling thought in the back of my head that he is always grading my performance as a wife, always comparing me to others?

Ummm No!

My marriage pre A was too difficult for me, and unbalanced in his favor to begin with.. My marriage isn't worth saving when all of the work is one sided like what he is expecting for R to take place..I would rather have a life of my own, time to myself, single :/

How your situation plays out is really going to depend on how your WH conducts himself going forward in terms of dealing with his bi-polar disorder

M, your compassionate nature comes through very clearly in your writings.

However, you can't remain in the same dynamic that has been in place....with you as rescuer/mom. It sounds as if your WH is remorseful and upset by his behavior and what it has led to....and he needs to follow that up with actions that supplement that. Actions that go beyond showing remorse to you. HE needs to get a handle on HIS disorder and learn to deal with it in an adult manner.

Do NOT have your WH do a face-to-face *break up* with the OW. IMO, she was a symptom of his disorder and she now needs to be a non-entity. He sent a NC and he seems to want nothing to do with her. Who gives a shit what she thinks about the NC communication or any of the rest of it? If she continues to contact either of you, then send her a *stop contacting me or I will seek legal measures against you* text and (if she still continues), then look into some type of restraining order.

STOP with your 180 behaviors. Right now. The 180 is generally only applicable in situations where the WS is not remorseful and is acting like an ass-jack. Currently, your WH doesn't *fit* that criteria.....

Actually I think some of the 180 behaviors are still appropriate, even with remorseful WS's...Or maybe these behaviors are not 180ing and I am mixed up, lol.. but here goes...

I think it is okay and highly appropriate that your WH knows that you need time and space to "huddle inward" and focus on yourself and your injury until you can recover enough to get thru the days and nights and have equilibrium...

Analogous to the needs of a person who just suffered a stabbing or other severe life threatening blow .....

This person who is a victim of a stabbing is gonna reel back and ask himself what the hell just happened and then immediately collapse ..If the person doesn't instantly die, it is gonna take him or her some time to get his/ her bearings and strength to get up and figure out what is injured and get help..Many times it takes the assistance of other people to get the victim to the help her or she desperately needs to stop the bleeding..

It is a blessing when one has a remorseful WS..Even when a WS feels and behaves as if he or she has true remorse the A can be a deal breaker for the BS..

The WS needs to realize that his or her A behaviors have caused a massive amount of damage in the M, possibly irreparable.. You don't owe WS anything at this point.Marriage responsibilities, such as connecting via sex or date nights,ect(on the part of the BS) can and should be suspended until such a time that this injured spouse can think clearly and has the strength to function and take baby steps forward .

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:18 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

M,

I just read through this thread. I am so sorry that you are here, and dealing with this.

Of course it is the first thing on your mind everyday. It will be for some time. This stuff is tough, but you sound like a strong woman.

End the 180. You are both trying to work toward reconciling. But do turn your attention inward and focus on you and your kids. IC for you both is a great idea. I wouldn't do MC right now. I feel strongly if you are able to communicate and work through the A stuff, wait for MC. Until you are both healthier, more healed. You really need the support that you can get from IC, and perhaps friends or family IRL.

Also, you will need to break the marital pattern of you protecting him and watching out for all of his needs. You realize this. You are very empathic, and realize that it is good for neither of you. That stuff is really hard to do though. Keep working new ways to communicate and to share your lives. (Including the work of the family)

Thinking of you. Feel free to pm me if you need support, particularly in those off usa hours.

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:55 AM, September 23rd (Monday)]

Thanks so so much everyone

Mornings are very tough for me ( I'm in Uk and it's 10am nearly). I waken early and I feel dreadful for a few hours. Today reading what you have written has been such a help

We are making progress but it's not easy. It's vital for his bipolar that he sleeps otherwise his mood crashes so I can't sit up all night talking to him or waken him for a hug at 6am. That feels like I'm still protecting him from things. The balance was all wrong before but it's not easy getting it right. He wants me to come to the next appointment he has with his shrink. I'm ok with that for a while but long term it's his illness/ his responsibility.

But we are already making more decisions together and he sees that it isn't fun having to make all the decisions which I was doing. Changes. The next big thing is an honest appraisal of our finances together for the first time. Not fun. Necessary though

My issues with the AP are my issues though. No more attempts to get the message across are planned but it irks me that she thinks he will be back. I am fantasising about what I will say if she turns up. I think she will. She can't contact any other way as he's changed his number and I've blocked her.

Another day survived. Actually feel ok this morning.

If my entire world was destroyed on dday leaving me terrified and exposed I feel I've now got a small shelter to keep me safe.

I am so lucky. He really does love me and he is doing everything he can to show me and clearly he wants R as much as me.

But obviously I'm still very scared

I wish I knew what to expect. It's such a rollercoaster but I can't even see what the next high or low will be. Right now I want him close and I'm so focused on us I find myself distracted with work and the kids. Not dangerously so but still. When will and how will we calm down the hysterical bonding to enable us to live normally. What about anger? When will that hit? What if? What if? Voices in my head

But there's so much good stuff here to help me. Thanks

Another day. This morning I was fine when I woke. Still waking very early though. But for past 4 hours I've been crippled with anxiety. Awful. Awful.

No reason why it hit then. He met me for lunch. Is looking out for me. He's doing stuff. Taking charge. No longer drifting through life.

Can it last ?

I'm waiting for her to turn up or contact me or an accidental meeting. We live in a small town. He's avoiding places she might be. I'm obsessing about what might happen. I loathe her

Only time will tell if WH's actions are going to be consistent and long lasting.. Eventually you will fine tune your life in such a way that you will be okay with or without WH..Once you have some clarity and have a plan for what your life is going to look like, post A, the anxiety attacks will start to disappear..

Marathon-

All of your feelings are so normal. I think that an affair can be a huge wake-up call for a marriage. Of course, it is like taking a sledgehammer/atomic bomb to it, but when there are patterns that we are stuck in, sometimes the sledgehammer gets things unstuck.

So, you are seeing that there is a lot of potential, and I am proud of you guys for trying to work this out -- for seeing the good that is still there. I would encourage you to go to MC with this new perspective and get some tools so that you don't get locked down like this again. Plus, you are going to need the support. MC early has been key for us.

The OW sounds like a basket case - -avoid her at all costs!

Try to be patient and loving with yourself. Read the positive reconciliation stories, put your head down and keep working, and have faith that things will be better, no matter the outcome.

I'm starting my own IC this week. I want to be a bit stronger before MC. I've decided this is about my recovery and him taking charge and me not being the strong one for now. I think MC could be started too soon. We are making changes in the things we've identified.

I feel at times like its death or glory and I'm just going to throw all my efforts into trying for R but then I feel sick with fear that it will be more death than glory.