SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I continue to come here daily hoping to find my answers...my ah hah moment....anything to make me be able to continue pretending everything is as OK as my fwh thinks it is.

Don't get me wrong...he has been wonderful....tells me he loves me...that I am his life...almost to the point that I have to wonder who he is trying to convince.

However, he never went NC...never remembers anything....and when the OW calls which she did just this last May....he does not tell her he loves me or that I am his life.....no....he tells her he thinks about her sometimes and misses the good times they had.

But when confronted he says he was just being nice and the worst part of all of that is that I could see him doing that because he is a nice person....or was before the A.

So I read on here daily hoping for some miraculous post that is going to help me to survive all this and be able to move on without the underlying hurt that I cannot seem to get away from.

I love reading the wonderful outcomes and the several year out updates....they make my day every time I read one.

One of the keys, I believe, to processing through this is for both husband and wife to mature past the child-like emotional state that we are born with.

I am not here to run your fWS down. I am here to say that at 13 months out I have come to realize that I was that emotional child....even though I was 42. Not in every aspect of life...in fact, in just a few aspects. That is why it can be confusing. How can a man oversee a 2.2 million dollar budget, remain calm during major crisis at work, and then be so torn up about my wifes adultery? It is a question that has spurred an interesting journey in me....

Just because our bodies mature it does not mean our minds mature.

I have this theory that FOO issues effectively stop our emotional growth, in what ever area we developed those coping mechanisms, at the age in which they were set.

In my case my fear of abandonment was set at age 12...when my parents went from being married to divorced, and my Dad disappeared basically over night.

FOO issues or not....emotional maturity takes work. It doesn't just happen.

Much of this year has been dreadful....but each day is less dreadful now.

I am not sure if it is because the actual trauma of DD is further behind me OR that I am emotionally maturing. The facts of my marriage have not changed, but I see them in a different light now.

While my confidence is shaken on many levels....I am confident my reaction to my wifes A would be much different if it would happen tomorrow.

It is most likely a combination of both time and maturity.

Point is....it takes two mature people to process through this. If one refuses and continues to operate in a child-like state...I just don't see how that will work. That would be a parent-child relationship....not a marital relationship.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:54 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

You stated:

----Between him and his sister cutting me out of their side of the family as if I was the ne who destroyed this family....and my brother in law hitting on me and my niece's ninth birthday is tomorrow and I really miss my nieces but WH what grow a pair and tell them the truth -- that he had an affair and did all this.----

Why are you keeping your WH's dirty little secret? Why don't you disclose his affair to his family; so THEY KNOW he's the one causing the family discord and problems?

Is the brother-in-law who's hitting on you married to your WH's Sister?

--IF SO...Have you disclosed this BIL's disgusting behavior to your WH and to the BIL's wife?

IF NOT: WHY are you keeping this BIL's disgusting behavior a secret?

I don't understand why you're suffering in silence.

I'm sincerely sorry about your parents' health issues.

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 5:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Hey Topper, you really have a lot to deal with right now. At the very least, your WH should be your support and your rock, even apart from the issues with the infidelity.

I had an aha moment in my previous marriage. When I had been let down yet again, and my mum had died and *he* was the one that had the nervous breakdown, I realised that the energy I had been spending trying to show him what a decent loving husband would do for a wife he loves could be spent taking care of myself.

I realised that the work and effort I was putting into the marriage was not returned, was not valued or appreciated. I realised that with one less burden - his emotions - I could walk through life a little easier.

Sure, I had to tell the kids and I had to find more work and renovate the house on my own and all of that. But I did it without constantly waiting for his reaction, or without him failing to see how fucking AWESOME I was, or without worrying how it would all affect him.

When I kicked him out, all the stress and anger and wasted energy was replaced with sadness, but a vitality I never knew before.

This man is dragging you down. If he cant work on that then you deserve much, much better.

Much love to you.