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I contacted the OM's BW. I waited three months. I had to think about it and read tons of advice on this site. My FWW felt like if I contacted the OM's BW that she might end up at our door, etc. and was afraid of the fall out. Frankly, until you contact the OP's spouse, the impact of the affair will not end and you can't start true R. Contacting the OP's spouse either puts an end to the secrecy of the affair and any continued contact, or your spouse will move on. I contacted the OM's BS by calling her. I had to do research to find out where she worked. I realized if I called her a home the OM might intercept the call and I did not want to go to their home. I also would have wanted someone to have told me personally and not in an email, etc. I told her that her H had an affair with my wife and gave her the details she needed. I had confirmed proof since I caught them so to speak in the act naked together(or just before or after the act). I explained that to her and there was not doubt, plus I had other evidence. Needless to say, our R did not start until after I had contacted the OM's BW. My FWW then saw the true jerk he was as he tried to "save" himself and threw her under the bus. The OM even tried to tell his BW that I was making the stuff up to just cause issues. She and I spoke again a week later and I could see he had manipulated her .. I simply told her what do I have to gain from this... and offered to send her a tape recording of her H admitting to the affair to me over the phone the day after DDay when he was desperate to get me to not tell his wife. Yes, where I live it is legal to tape record a conversation if you are a party to the conversation. Ok, a long explaination , but I would contact the OP's spouse and do it over the phone or in person. You would likely want the same courtesy so you could ask questions, etc. Good luck and please tell the OP's spouse.

Thank you all for your support & encouragement. I just spoke with OW's husband. I called him at work and said, "hi, NAME, this is MY NAME....do you know who I am?" He immediately said yes and we got into a 20 minute conversation. He was in the same boat wondering whether or not to call me and make sure I was aware of the affair and said he was glad I called. We discussed the conversations we had with each of our BS. Of course he is back & forth on emotions & decisions and I strongly encouraged him to seek counseling and this site. I hope he does.

Albeit a small one, it's one thing I can check off on my seemingly never-ending checklist.

I haven't contacted the OBS. I wanted to and tried to call and had someone from out of state call too. She either answered or the answering machine answered. She must have figured out who I was because she blocked my number. He is retired and doesn't have Face Book or any other way of being contacted that I could find.

When we started marriage counseling, my husband brought up his "fears" of the other man committing suicide or going crazy. He is a vet with PTSD. The counselor told me not to call because then I would be responsible for anything that happened. She also inferred that she would not work with us if I wouldn't agree to that. I want to give our marriage a chance so I agreed. BUT, I agree with Snowseason. Recovering from this will not really begin until I do let him know or at least find out that he knows already. I feel like I am keeping their dirty little secret. Its was a year and a half long distance emotional affair with two meet-ups. WH says they didn't go beyond a kiss and I believe him. (you'd have to know him) Still, they both emotionally bonded and left their spouses in the dirt. If we don't work out, I am going to call him. I really feel trapped right now and the respect for my husband is at an all time low because of his campaign to get the counselor on board and protect the OW and his own butt. I resent him for putting me in this position.

Good job Whattodo. That took strength and guts.

I'm glad you called him - that was very brave. It sounds like it went as well as I could.

I waited 3 months to tell the OBS. I wish I would have done it sooner, but I had assumed the affair was really over...silly me.

We were all friends who met on an overseas job assigment. They moved away about a week after DDay, thank God...so there was at least never any more physical contact. But the texting, messaging still continued...

Anyway, when I found that out I sent an email to the OBS. "You may already know this, but if you don't, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, etc, etc." We talked on the phone a few times after that to share information and vent and cry. He had suspected an affair too, but was in so much denial like I was that the red flags just weren't red enough.

and said he was glad I called

^^^For all those BS who struggle with "Should I tell?"

Yes, yes, yes.

Good for you whattodo.

When I told WW that I knew, she warned OM that I was probably coming to his house (I just went for a long drive). Next day WW told me he wanted to meet with me. He droned about some BS and begged me to give him the weekend to tell his wife, since they were going on a trip with the kids. I said "By Monday night, she calls me or I call her. Your choice". She called me Sunday night, I verified that he had told her what I knew, and he mostly had. Because there was a period where both WW and OM had "agreed" to NC we spoke a couple of times to keep tabs. When I found out there was a motel room booked one night, I called her and told her. That was a fun night :)

I sent a letter to the AP's wife. She called me a few days ago and we met today. It helped both of us. We could fill in some of the missing info for each other. And it was comforting to talk to some one in the same situation who could really empathize with you. We plan to meet again and keep in touch.

I would love to have a conversation with the other woman's partner or husband if she had one.

I most certainly did! I made my wife come with me when I confronted the other man. His wife was there and she had to face the poor other man's poor wife. We both knew them very well for many years. I hated to do it so rudely but I was so devastated by what my wife had done I temporarily lost my marbles.