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If you haven't already, I hope that you talk with your SO about this.

I can't wait to see your other pumpkin. The spider-man one is awesome!

I did end up talking to SO about it last night and again today. I think things are "back on track" so to speak.

I'm really upset at myself though for being so distant the last month. I feel like I failed SO. This kind of thing just drives me deeper into depression for screwing up. I'm a perfectionist and I take failure hard. There are no excuses for failure. I've been seething at myself all day.

I know SO pretty well and the last thing she needed right now is for me to be so distant.

ETA: For all my "Pumpkin People" I might be doing one tomorrow or possibly over the weekend. I need the distraction.

[This message edited by Myname at 7:20 PM, October 15th (Tuesday)]

I'm glad the two of you have found a way to meet back up with each other emotionally.

Don't spend your time beating yourself up over distancing yourself. Use that energy to share your feelings with her now that you're back on track. It will draw you both closer and make this season a million times more bearable.

(((Myname & SO)))

I understand getting depressed when you do not have enough work to keep your mind occupied. Its easy to slip into negative behaviors.

So I have a suggestion! Since you are so good with pumpkins have you considered wood carving? Can you look into whether there are any artisans in your area that give classes? I think if you find something you can get excited about on a daily basis you will feel less stress and pressure and the compulsion to self harm will grab hold less often and with much less intensity.

I googled wood carving California and it looks like you should have no problem finding resources!

My only issue is that he isn't very strong and I think may have a problem lifting some of the stuff.

Good grief - what sort of stuff does she have that is more then two men could lift? Seriously, I am a height-challenged female who had spinal fusion and me and my mom moved my entire house (including couches, stove, fridge, etc).

I just hate paying to move her stuff.

It is a small price for the 'freeing' results

SO's for a month: Also check out if someone in the area is renting out rooms in their house. My dad use to do that when he worked in different areas.

Cabrona,

I've tried wood carving and soap carving and I stink at both of them. I am not artistic in any way except for the pumpkin carving thing. I can't even draw stick figures.

I don't know if I will spend a month near SO this winter. Probably not. New environments make me VERY anxious. When I first moved into the place I live at now it took almost 2 years for me to spend any time in a room other than my bedroom. It was a year before I even had a couch. So the thought of living in a new place for a month kind of freaks me out.

Last winter I worked out 2-3 hours a day which helped. I started this past landscaping season in the best shape of my life. I'm the kind of person that needs to stay physically active. My plan is to start some serious workouts after Halloween and do that all winter.

Sometimes I wonder if I should even be dating. She doesn't deserve this kind of stress.

Tell her ... Let her decide if it is to much stress. Don't decide for her. Then work on it together. Use your therapist and your group. You need all the support you can get.

We know this is normal for you, we have walked with you through this a couple times before. Remember this is at your pace. Distract yourself as much as possible and seek help from those who offer it to you. They care or they would not offer.

I'm really upset at myself though for being so distant the last month. I feel like I failed SO. This kind of thing just drives me deeper into depression for screwing up. I'm a perfectionist and I take failure hard. There are no excuses for failure. I've been seething at myself all day.

This is a dangerous mindset. Perfectionism is harmful and self-obsessive. Have you explored why you have a tendency towards perfectionism? What is wrong with failure? Do you think that makes you "lesser than?"

Because we all fail at things. I certainly have and I am awesome. Why are you not allowed to fail? There is not one human, ever, that walked this earth and was perfect and never failed. In fact, it takes much more courage to try things and fail and get back up on your feet than to be perfect and succeed in everything you do. How can you learn anything if you are perfect and never fail?

I would say be easier on yourself but you won't unless you reason things through and start to accept that trying and failing is preferable to never trying at all and never truly living life. Think about these concepts for a while. You seem to have good cognitive abilities. You need to figure out why you won't allow yourself to be human and have a few faults here or there. By the way...people don't really like "perfect" people. They are intimidating and don't generally have any real friends. I've found this out because I used to be a perfectionist also (so I know some of the reasons we feel we need to be perfect...but you need to figure out for yourself). Since I've allowed myself to have faults and have gotten comfortable with them, changed my mindset a bit, and actually have learned to joke about my faults....I have so many more true friends and I've found that people tend to like me better. That is because they can relate to me now, since I have acknowledged that I'm not perfect.

These are things to think about, and I think some of this stuff may be partly what is driving your depression (besides the possibility of low-serotonin which needs to be diagnosed by a physician/psychologist).

p.s. One of my favorite quotes by Thomas Edison about developing the light bulb: "I have not failed. I've just found 10000 ways that won't work."

IC is very much aware of my perfectionism.

IC says that the perfectionism comes from my upbringing, which I agree with. Even now, in my family if there is a problem it always gets blamed on me. I am the family escape goat. This is also plays into the self hatred and depression.

By the way...people don't really like "perfect" people. They are intimidating and don't generally have any real friends.

I don't have any friends. The people in my life are just there to get something out of me. What can I do for them kind of people. Mostly clients that pay me very well for being perfect.

My parents are the same way as far as just wanting something out of me and not liking me. They are very angry at me for dating SO because if it continues to M I would have to move far away because she has kids and can't move because of visitations. If I move I can't do all their chores for them.

I don't have a relationship with my parents other than doing whatever chores are needed. It's the only time I get an email from my Dad and the only reason I go to their house. But that's all for another post another day.

Just to say, I like my perfectionism. It has it's advantages. I don't care that people don't like me. When the people around you only care about what you can do for them being perfect is a good thing. I am able to accomplish anything I set my mind to because I don't cut myself any slack and I don't give myself any excuses. Failure is not an option for me.

Making decisions like this on behalf of your SO (what she can handle knowing, whether she deserves someone "better" than you, etc.) is a big symptom of codependence. Have you read Codependent No More? I recommend it, as it changed the way I approach relationships (romantic and otherwise).

Just to say, I like my perfectionism. It has it's advantages. I don't care that people don't like me. When the people around you only care about what you can do for them being perfect is a good thing

Okay. That is fine if you are happy. Are you happy?

I've never had a lot of friends in life. Even when I was a kid. I'm a loner and I'm content with that. It doesn't really bother me.

As far as being happy I assume you mean am I happy with people not liking me or having friends. It doesn't bother me and I prefer to be by myself.