SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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****Muck is a little trickier to clean up. This is inside you. The why’s and reasons. Muck is slimy and has a tendency to slip through your fingers. Muck is the guts of your internal issues. Every individual is different, each individual has different issues, be they Family and Childhood issues, Drugs, Mental disorders… the list is endless. It is your job to find each slippery part inside you. Your BS can’t help you do this. It has to be something that you do for yourself and by yourself. You can report it to your spouse or not, depending on what you are comfortable with. If you do share this journey with them make sure that you reassure them with each report that none of your issues have anything to do with them, that they didn’t cause the issue, and that you don’t expect them to fix it.

****The Mud. The mud has to be rinsed away. This is your self acceptance. Forgiveness if you like. Divine or from the self. Without forgiving yourself you will always feel dirty. I put the Mud last because without doing all of the work if you forgive yourself it is just cheap forgiveness. It is false forgiveness, a lie to yourself to make you feel better and to let yourself off the hook. Real forgiveness requires reflection, exploration of self, an intimacy with yourself, and understanding who you were then is not who you are now. (Changing who you are is more than an idea that you conceptualize, it is consistent action over a substantial time period. You know when you have achieved change when you actively are consistent and it becomes second nature to correct yourself before you step wrong, instead of stepping wrong and then fixing it.)

Your little life boat hits land. Whew, your both on solid ground again, but your legs are weak and shaky. All of the action, change and accomplishments that you have achieved at this point will help you. The sad fact is, all of the change in yourself that you accomplish may not save your marriage. Your spouse may not have waited for you to finish cleaning the boat. They may have jumped into the sea before you were done. They may have swam off into the sunset. If that happens, don’t give up on yourself. Fixing and finding yourself will keep you afloat even if you are alone. Whether or not your spouse will brave this journey with you now is not your choice. Your spouse may choose to walk away. Solid ground does not erase the fact that you blew up the marriage ship to begin with. You owe it to yourself, if your wife, family and marriage is your choice, to commit to your marriage completely from the moment you climbed on board the life boat. You can’t take a dip in the sea to test your BS and see if they really want you in the life boat. You have to stay the course. Tie yourself in. Even thinking about abandoning the life boat can sink it. If you are standing there rocking the boat, eventually you are going to fall out or knock your BS out of the boat. Will you just stand by paralized and watch her drown, or will you do everything you can to save her, yourself,your children and your marriage?

That means DO NOT say:

“Get over it.”

“It’s been long enough.”

“Are you going to punish me forever?”

“Do you want someone else?”

“Maybe you don’t really want me.”

“I should just leave because…”

“I can’t change who I am…”

jstbreathe...

That was an amazing post...thank you so much for laying it all out in such detail with so much emotion behind it.

Really great stuff

Sorry you find yourself in the spot. I can relate.

jstbreathe, thanks for posting this. I needed to read this tonight.

I love this post, it explains what a BS really needs. I did not write it however, it is a copy of someone else's previous post. I don't know how to find the original posting, but luckily I had copied it for my WH. It has great insight, I hope it helps.

Justbreathe

Amazing. I keep reading it over and over. It hits home and gives me strength to keep moving forward with the hopes that Kate will come along for the ride. Either way moving forward is the only way to go.

Either way moving forward is the only way to go.

right there with you.

Kroma, I've been reading through this post yesterday and today and I think you're getting excellent advice. I just wanted to say that you should be very proud of your outlook and gameplan. It's ok if it's still scary and hurts sometimes... just having the road map will make things easier.

Keep doing what you're doing - you're on the right path.

Sending strength.

kroma, I hope your Kate will find it in her heart to give you a chance to prove what an amazing man you are, and how much you have grown. If not, be the amazing father you need to be for your children. They will benefit from seeing your transformation.

It's interesting to me how I can empathize with you, but have none for my WH. I guess it's difficult to feel empathy for someone who has caused you so much pain. Maybe this is where Kate is at.

I have to be honest. This post has helped me out tremendously. The advice has been great. And so is the support. I still have my moments but when I re-read the threads I know that what I'm doing is right. And the outcome is out of my hands. Do I pray everyday that she changes her thoughts? Or that she feels that our relationship (maybe not our marriage) is worth putting energy into? Of course. All the damn time. I love my family very much and would do anything for them. I'm sure there will be bad days to come but right now I feel positive thanks to you guys.

I think it is normal to grieve the loss of something so important. Be patient with yourself. You have received great advice on how to keep reaching out and moving forward while you grieve so that you don't get stuck in this spot. I am praying for you and your family.

Krona, I'm a BS. I was struck by the post where you said your wife asked you to take your ring off, that it meant nothing to her. Have u heard the term "standing for your marriage"? I would say leave your ring on. It will remind her when she sees it that you still want the marriage & maybe it will help remind you if the AP ever tried to contact you or if another woman crosses your path who shows interest in you and you're tempted to return the interest. Look at that wedding ring each day & remind yourself you are still married and redetermine to do the best for your marriage. Even if she D's you & you still want to reconcile it doesn't have to be the end. If you are a person of faith continue to pray for her each day and for your marriage. Use the ring to remind you to pray & do the right thing. It may take years and she may be testing you to see how sincere you are toward her. But keep that ring on, pray & do all you can to be a better man. FWH & I are in R for about 7 months now & he's doing a ton of changing but I still don't trust him & still am not sure I want a life w him. It's very hard to even look at him some days. Your wife I'm sure has some of the same feelings.

Undone

Here's a little back story about the ring. During our 1st R time period there would be days where she didn't put her ring on. When she was angry or feeling upset. That used to drive me crazy. I always noticed it right away and doubt about us would set in. Towards the end of the summer when separation was apparent she stopped wearing it all together. She also had mentioned many times that me wearing my ring bothered her bc I never took it off during the A. To her these particular rings are meaningless. There was a time when we talked about renewing vows with a different wedding day and new rings. Something I hope to do someday. So when she asked me to take it off 2 weeks ago I respected her wishes and did so. Subsequently she said that it made her feel better which is why I continue to not wear it.

As for the ideas you brought up I will say this. First the ring sits on my nightstand next to a picture of Kate and I when we were dating 20 years ago. I see it every morning and night and always gives me hope. Second one of the things I've learned in the past year is that I never had boundaries in our marriage. I was flirtatious often calling female friends "honey" or "babe". I came to find out from Kate that it always bothered her and gave her a feeling of mistrust. I don't do that anymore. I also now understand the importance of boundaries in a relationship. That being said if someone were to notice me not wearing a ring and showed interest I'm not concerned about how I will handle. I am 100% committed to R with Kate if given the chance. I know right now she hasn't given me any thoughts that this will happen. But until the D papers are signed (hopefully never) I will move forward for myself and hope and pray that she can come around. I will also attempt to not put myself in a position now or if we're together. I have no desire or reason to do it. That is not who I am. That is not what I'm about.

As for the OP I am not concerned at all. There's been NC since last November and I plan to keep it that way no matter what. She is part of the reason I lost/hurt my family and quite honestly am a little repulsed by her.

Lastly Kate is the same as you in that I am the trigger. At least for now. I'm hoping time will heal and only good thoughts will run through her head when she sees me.

I appreciate your thoughts about the rings but I think Kate feels better, regardless of us together or not, that I'm not wearing it. But trust me. It's hard not too. I hated taking it off but I feel better knowing this makes her feel better. Even if it's only a little.

[This message edited by kroma at 11:32 AM, October 17th (Thursday)]