SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

well i tested him in some ways...I pretended to be an online chick of his and created 2 accounts and went on to his site...lets just say, he failed the test. I haven't told him and don't ever plan on telling him that--there was a post here somewhere about not giving away your sources and if I did tell him I would lose that aspect of testing him again if i want to.

I would like to test him as the pretend OW by creating a fake email--but problem with that would be he would call her right away. And, she isn't that easy to get rid of again. That has been their history. There would be an email on day 1 then multiple phone calls and texts and then emails etc...the email would for sure lead to him calling OW again even if it was just to ask if she just emailed him..

see my husband would fail the test.

that is why we are still working on R. We aren't fully R.

but--no i don't think anyone on here really trusts their BS or they wouldn't be here. I told H that I would never ever trust him again for the rest of his life. Even if we did R fully...I still will be unable to trust him.

Gosh I wish I could try this too. But OW signed a contract (agreement to restaining order) that she would have to pay $300 per attempt to contact my husband, me or our families! So that would be a huge back fire either way it turned out.

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Just something to ponder.

What Wonderboy said X10!!! - Can't get used to referring to you to SuperDuper! Lol

I was pretty irrational and distraught in my thinking that first year after dday, and when making a decision for the four of us (me and my three kids) about staying, I would have done anything to make sure my H was serious about R. Oh - and as a BS...I was pretty suicidal after four months of TT - so I didn't care what he thought at that time.

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 4:08 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

t/j

What Wonderboy said X10!!! - Can't get used to referring to you to SuperDuper! Lol

See my signature line. Wonderboy is just fine!

[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 5:29 PM, October 17th (Thursday)]

You might want to skip this paragraph as it's me regurgitating some of what happened. It probably belongs elsewhere.

My wife and her affair partner met during a three month out of town project, working together Monday through Thursday almost every week. After the first three weeks, there was a two week break in travel. I learned later that's when the "flirting" started and was so intense that their first day out of town, together, they consummated their relationship. When I finally found out, being on the same project but at a different travel location, I was able to comb through the billing records to narrow it down to one of two people. With some high level questions she was willing to answer I was able to pinpoint which of the two it was. From there, I broke into her on-line cell phone (text and calls), Amazon (gifts), banking (nothing there) and credit card (nothing there either) accounts. I eventually learned that when they were apart (he lives almost 300 miles away and the work site was 3000 miles away), they were in contact by cell phone, text message, e-mail and video chat. I was able to get his phone numbers, home address, resume and, through a close colleague, personal insights into this man I have never met. She left me for this man but came back six weeks later when she woke up to what she had done to me and her remorse set in, but she still was in love with this other man.

I could easily create an e-mail address that is similar enough to his address. I could analyze his writing style enough to compose a short e-mail message. But between the deceit I would have to carry out and the possible reigniting of her contact with this other man, I don't think it would be the best thing for me to do.

My H was addicted to pot. I would never, ever secretly put an ounce in front of him to test him. IMO to test someone like that is deceitful and it is cruel and it is counter productive if you are trying to R.

the seed has been planted. When you do this type of thing, what is it saying about you as a person? If you really want to know, it will eventually come out. All you have to do is for it to be revealed and it will in some way or form.

It also plants the seed for them to start thinking about that OW/OM, now if you know you are truly R there should not be any of this anyway.

I would also be so scared of the backfire.

I am not saying that you should not have doubt but rebuilding trust is on both our parts. Meaning if you say you want to rebuild trust then do that, because when they are trust worthy your gut knows, and when they are not your gut knows.

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

No, of course not! Not just during reconciliation but anytime during the marriage. I tell my FWW don't do anything suspicious otherwise we will lose a ton of money in gadgets, spy software and PIs. In the past I would just ask her what the hell was that and she would gaslight me.

I'm just doing my part for a happy marriage

Also what super-duper WB said.

I did create an email account with OW's name and sent it to his work email. He texted me immediately when he got to work and asked what he should do. I asked him to follow his heart and he deleted it without opening it. I know because he gave me access to his work email account. Also, he didn't reply to the email. I just needed to know it was over. Of course he could still open it from the deleted box, which could be weird, because the note says she separated from her husband and would like to fly into town and spend an afternoon with him. I'll keep you posted if he opens it.

I'm sorry, but I don't feel in any way guilt about this deception. He lied to me for 7 years. I can lie once to insure that my decision to stay with him for now is the right one.

I believe there's an app that you can make your phone # appear as someone else's #. There's also a boyfriend tracker app that works as a GPS so u can see where they go. There is undetectable software that can easily be installed on any computer that will email u a screen shot of everything they do, there is a USB port u can attach to the back and then just attach it to your computer after to see all their activity, there is spy software that virtually allows you to watch everything they do on their cell phone. I've done one it two and now I have decided to no longer be a detective and to not allow myself to waste energy. I know he is a cheater and now I'm finally making decisions that are right for me. It's a hard road but I know I can't keep doing this and worrying. It's not healthy. I would suggest if you have to do all these things u are better off alone.

My H was addicted to pot. I would never, ever secretly put an ounce in front of him to test him. IMO to test someone like that is deceitful and it is cruel and it is counter productive if you are trying to R.

If on the other hand, he profusely claimed he was not addicted to it, and would resist it if put before him, I think I might do a test like the one you described, and would not consider it cruel, but would consider it a step toward looking at the truth and reality.

As far as it being counter productive to R, I think that is irrelevent, at least it was for me. It was not about R'ing, it was about finding out how sincere my H was, so that I could make a better informed decision for myself whether I even wanted to R with him. I just wanted to know the truth about what he was thinking and whether it was really over with her (in his head and everywhere else) like he said it was.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 2:07 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

I would do it in a heartbeat. What Superduper said...

In my case I don't think it would work. My WW would be very suspicious if she received an email claiming to be the prick she fooled around with if the email address wasn't identical to his. I've snooped every which way I know of or could. Email, texts, phone. A little while back I found a secret email account she had that she kept "just in case" for the two of them to communicate "if they needed to". I don't that she doesn't have another secret account now. So if I created a dummy account and sent it to the one email account I'm aware of, she'd know right away. Also, the prick also knows I'm checking her known email, so there's no way he would email her there.

In short (too late) if I thought I could get away with it and that it would be meaningful (to me), I'd do it with no remorse!

I've wondered about the idea of testing WH by sending him an email from a fake account pretending to be OW and wanting to talk to him, just to see what he'd do

^^This^^

And happily, he told me immediately. I knew her email and just added a 1 - he didn't know the difference, he saw her name in the email and called me panicking. "She emailed me, I swear I didn't email back, if you want me to tell her to back off I will, or, I can just delete it." I told him to leave it alone, but, he sent her an email, "this is the last time I will contact you, I love my wife and family. You were a mistake and need to leave us alone." And then cancelled his email so "she" couldn't contact him anymore. Do I feel bad? Sometimes. But that goes away pretty quickly!

He's the fool that had an affair...I had to know what he would do if she ever tried to contact him.

[This message edited by strongerdaybyday at 10:43 AM, October 21st (Monday)]

So during reconciliation, lies and deception are OK, as long as you're a BS not a WS?

Just something to ponder.

While this is not a route I would take, what you are saying does not apply in equal measure to the implied chastisement.

The problem here is that following dday, the WS has destroyed trust in the BS. If a BS is testing their WS then it's because you are right - there is secrecy and deception. The goal of this secrecy and deception is to establish whether or not the WS is safe to be with.

It's not so different from the use of a VAR - the BS is trying to establish whether or not their WS is behaving with authenticity. It's a means for a BS to decide if they are going to reconcile or not.

So in short: yes, it's okay if you are the BS and you are trying to establish whether or not your spouse is going to inflict further damage so as to decide whether or not they are safe to remain with in a relationship.

I never tested my W, but then she and ow didn't use e-mail, just text messages. W changed her phone number without forwarding, and she considers herself clueless w/technology, so testing never crossed my mind.

I think testing is very tricky, very difficult to do well, and very likely to backfire.

It's also dishonest. Before committing to R, I think testing is probably OK - it's just more data you gather that feeds into your decision to R or not.

After committing to R, though, I think it's a terrible practice. Once you're in R, IMO you need to model an honest, authentic life for your (f)WS and for yourself, and testing is the opposite of that.