SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's an affair when they do something the spouse wouldn't approve of and they knowingly do it anyway. They justify it to themselves and every progressive step towards the bedroom becomes a little easier.

The moment they start doing/saying things they would never do/say in front of you.

^^^^^^This^^^^^^

I disagree that it's when they start keeping secrets. I also disagree that it's when they start doing things they wouldn't do in front of you.

For me, it's when they start doing things they SHOULD do with you. Whether that be a little too friendly with someone, share something personal that they should share with you, have a connection that should only exist inside a monogamous relationship.

the secrets come later.

OW is flipping out about someone meddling in their personal business and she may need to file for hostile work environment. They need to know the name of who I got this info from because they need to deal with it on a personal level so it doesn't blow up.

Omg can you imagine the complaint?!? "I would never have suspected that cheating on my partner who is in an authority position over the married man I'm cheating with at our joint workplace would be NOTICED, and now that it has been, this workplace is suddenly and unexpectedly hostile! Waaah!"

Obviously she "may need to officially file" and "deal with it on a personal level" are two opposite things, the first meant to bully YOU, the second implying they intend to bully the person who told. Your WH is being so emotionally manipulative it's puke inducing. He's being a complete drama queen, first of all, and how on earth is he supposed to join a life-or-death team with another guy if he can't even NOT sleep with the guy's girlfriend? Please.

As far as that goes, the truth coming out and your WH having to face the consequences will be character building. He will have to man up. He's in LE - he can be a man and face his actions. Don't tell him or his sidepiece anything, and be honest in your background check interview. Asking you to lie for him and his girlfriend and implying your child will benefit from it is disgusting.

_________

Now that that's out my system...

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In my experience an A starts when you open the door to it in your head. It starts before anything happens. You have the choice to enforce your personal, mental and emotional boundaries when you feel a compulsion toward someone. You feel "something" and you make the choice to turn in the other direction -- or you make justifications to keep putting yourself in their path. In my experience it doesn't matter what that path actually is - it can be text messages, "casual" conversations about work, looks, a ride home, agreeing to join a team they are on at work, including them in your guest list for a party you're throwing, taking a different path back from the bathroom, whatever. All perfectly justifiable events from the outside (and there are internal contexts and states of mind when each of these could be innocent in a different scenario). It's the inside where the A is already starting. They have opened the door to the A way before the first touch or the first flirty conversation.

I think it becomes an affair the moment a partner tramples on their partner's boundaries. For example, couple A might not view sex with someone else (with permission) as cheating, but couple B may be appalled by even the thought of it. I think it's less about the actual sex, and rather the dishonesty, lies, and manipulation that comes with an affair. The sex and emotional aspect is horrid, don't get me wrong, but the destruction of trust is what is the most damaging here.

When a spouse looks twice at another person and then lets themselves go over the boundary line... like complaining about a spouse to another...or looking for sympathy because of their marriage, as X did, instead of telling the actual spouse.

I think an affair starts when one person lets go of that invisible bond that is the caring and commitment to your spouse.

The fact that everything may not be rosy in a marriage is not enough to allow many of us to let go. There is still a hope to improve, become more connected, to "be one" if you will.

Letting go is the first step towards stepping away from the marriage. It is ceasing to care, nurture and protect.

After that, the rest is easy.

It's an affair once it is something they don't want spouse to find out or if they would not do something if spouse was present. And even then…I now know the first night my WH and his AP hooked up romantically was a night he started out with me and my friends but then took off to meet up with one of his friends. He was texting with AP about some party that was going to go on later that night and she asked him to meet her while he was at a table with all of my friends.While he was still there I even pointed out to him that one of the women at the table (a friend of someone there vs. one of my personal friends) was the woman involved in an affair with a guy we know. She happens to be unattractive. I remember texting this to my husband as he was across the table and he looked at me and made a wretching face and texted something to the effect of "are you sure X hit THAT?" Yes, even though I texted to him that night about someone else's extramarital affair craziness he decided to embark on his own. He was obviously out of his mind.

Like others said, I think the moment it becomes a secret. I had a hard time classifying what my WS did. For a long time I believed it was just two days of inappropriate conversations between him and a coworker. Now looking back I realize it was an EA for months. He never told me what they talked about or even that they were e-mailing and facebooking many times every day. He deleted messages. He admitted he got turned on when they sexted. He may not have intended for anything to happen or felt "loving" feelings towards her but the fact is SHE obviously had feelings for him, he played into it for "attention", and he hid it from me. It was an EA.

I totally think it's an affair once they say/do things they don't want their spouse to know. Once they build that secret relationship and check out of the marriage emotionally.

Tough spot, so sorry. This guy needs to be out of your life. IMO your issues are bigger than when did the A start. I hope you understand the gravity of what your WS is asking you to do and I truly hope you are not considering doing it for the 'sake of your family'. It's disgusting. He's in law enforcement and as such is held to a higher moral standard, among other things, than most. What you are helping him do is perpetuate a fraud against not just his employer, but the public. There is a reason they are running a background check. To, among other things, assess his character. If you do 'help' him, you will be in the mud with them. As a citizen of your community, I would be outraged if I found out there was anything amiss with this background check. I'm sure there are other ways to provide for your family and I hope you seek those out.

For me, it's when they start doing things they SHOULD do with you. Whether that be a little too friendly with someone, share something personal that they should share with you, have a connection that should only exist inside a monogamous relationship.

This one. Totally.

Thanks all. It is a little depressing to realize how long it has been an affair even if he is in denial.