SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I would definitely look! It may hurt but I really need to know and so far I have nothing. He just can't understand why I would want that info! So- if I see an opportunity...hell yeah- I'd take it.

The book How to help your spouse heal from your affair might also help your WS to see the importance of telling you the truth.

I'm reading a book called The Seven Levels of Intimacy which discusses how intimacy is increased when we share secrets and things we are ashamed of with our spouses. So there may be an unexpected benefit of him telling you the truth if he's been too ashamed to. I know it has also helped my fWH to build more empathy as he has opened up more. And it has made us closer than we would have been if he withheld the truth or lied.

[This message edited by whattheh at 7:16 PM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

I would just like to thank you for starting this thread. I waited for 9 months to get a timeline. I couldn't wait anymore so I opened the encrypted emails last week. I got my timeline and more. I came to understand that my WS is capable of sharing his emotions, just not with me. He also admitted to an EA with a good friend of mine. I always suspected it. Now it is confirmed. So I got another DD in addition to the desperately needed timeline.

I felt so bad that I have tortured myself by looking. That i have another DD because i snooped. i feel like i took a giant step backwards. After reading this thread, I no longer feel this way. Knowledge is power. Thank you for reminding me!

So sorry for the TJ. This thread is supposed to be about you and your suffering. Just know that I feel the same way. You have, however, given me some peace. Sorry I intruded.

Lowlow, please don't apologize! You in no way threadjacked! The fact that my pain is shared is no intrusion. It just seems like every A is the same story over and over, just with a different cast.

The timeline is so important to me. I need to match up what was actually going on with what I thought was going on to better understand it.

It's still tough because it feels like everything during that time was undermined. For example, we worked so hard to get a tiled metal backsplash installed in our kitchen one weekend. WH humblebragged to OW about it ("I am sometimes kind of handy"). Meanwhile, at the time I was thinking how well we had worked together as a team to get the backsplash to look perfect.

Whattheh, I bought a copy of "How To Help Your Spouse...", read it all the way through, highlighted parts that struck a chord with me, and crossed out things that I felt weren't applicable to us (religious and child related stuff).

The book is on WH's nightstand. I have told him it's important to me that he read it.

I realize this is an old thread, but I'm fascinated: How do you plug in an old phone, charge it up, and bring up old texts from 2012? Wasn't he erasing all old texts?

I should mention that due to my job I am fairly handy with electronics. I'm kicking myself now for never trying to get into WH's electronics before but never would it have occurred to me that I needed to.

The old phone was a Palm Pre. That model never caught on but it's a damn fine phone. A few minutes on a standard USB charger gave it enough juice for me to start reading while leaving it plugged in. Still, I was surprised to see that WH hadn't thought to delete his old messages.

He completely cleared the memory of his subsequent phone in front of me, but I thought that was just because he was trading it in on the Galaxy Note 3 that I bought for him.

And when I first saw an incriminating texts a couple of days before DDay he deleted OW's texts off that new phone.

Yes you should have looked & you should continue to look. If you give the gift of R you deserve to know exactly who you are giving that gift to, so your relationship is 100% open: full disclosure!

I looked up old texts too (even after S) and found dizens occurred at the exact same time I was in the ER with our 5 yr old son getting X-rays after a bad fall (he was fine). It made me realize S/D was the right decision- i couldn't be with a man that is focused on getting his ego (or penis) stroked when our son is in the ER.

Turned out ex is NPD and that was the tip of the iceberg).

Thank you for this thread! Dday for me was 7/28/13. Mine did erase his texts, but what I'm struggling with , among other things, is wether or not to get a program that will get back all deleted texts and pics. I NEED to know but I don't know if I WANT to know if that makes any sense? My thoughts are with you!

Here's a bit of a postscript: We had our first MC session last Wednesday. At the session WH expressed frustration at my seeking out the old texts, saying he wondered why I wanted to see things that would just hurt me.

What really amazed me was what he said next. He said that he wished I could have seen the more recent texts (the ones he immediately deleted when I saw the first suspect text two days before DDay). That if I'd seen the more recent texts I would have seen him pulling away from her -- her pressing him for more time with him and him pushing back and making himself less available. But instead all I have is a picture of the early stages of the A.

(Not that early -- I probably only got to see texts from months 6-12 of the A.)

But the recent texts are all gone. And like I've said before I'm handy with electronics so I can confirm they are all gone. So there's no way to know now, is there?

Good Lord TYF,

Girl, I am amazed at your strength. 3 years is a long time & kudos to you for even trying to R.

Has OW & her uncle left you alone now?

Sending hugs your way!!!