SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Jules, I'm so sorry for your pain. Keep your focus on your children and your education. Your husband is a lost cause right now. I'm sure it'll only be a matter of time before he realizes what he's losing (or has already lost). It sounds like your "friend" is a really horrible person and her ego stroking will only last as long as she feels as though she still has yet to "win the prize." Once you take yourself out of the equation, he'll meet the REAL HER and he'll be sorry - by that time, I hope you're long gone and moving on to bigger and better things.

Do your children know what's going on? How do they feel about it? Have you considered "letting it slip" that your husband and "friend" are having an affair to other parents of teammates or whose children go to the sports center? I'd imagine many people would be VERY concerned about such inappropriate behavior taking place around their children. Perhaps the disapproval of other parents/community members would help put things in better perspective for your husband.

I really think you need to take some steps to protect yourself. He has said that he will continue to support you while you are going to school..etc. But this is coming from a man who said he would be faithful until death do you part, this is a man who has cheated and lied to you. How much time is going to pass before OW starts complaining and whispering in his ear about all the money he is spending on you.

I have seen lots of stores on SI of couples where the WS has said they would support them and turned them back on them not long after. Please becareful and do what you can to protect your family.

Here is the page with info on the 180: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

The 180 is so calming. It grounded me and restored my self-worth.

I thought my husband might be having some kind of psychotic break when he morphed from kind and loving to cold and cruel. (I was actually worried about my kids having genes for mental illness from him.) But it wasn't sudden onset bipolar, just the all too common symptoms of f@cking someone else.

They have to withdraw from us, block off their compassion for us, and rewrite the marriage. Otherwise, how would they live with themselves? The ones that are masters of denial create a deep, deep fog for themselves. They lie to themselves so much that they don't know which end is up. It's pitiful, actually.

He is a sinking ship of filth, lies and self-hatred. 180 his ass so you don't get sucked down with him.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 12:00 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Thanks you for the 180 info. I still feel like this is a nightmare. I cannot stop my mind. I am trying so hard. There is no chance for reconciliation...he wants out. I don't want the new him anymore anyway, but I am terrified of the future. I thought I had found "my person". He took away all my stability and my choices and I feel like my heart could just stop beating at any moment. I thought they had an emotional affair. I thought it was over. I never ever ever expected to read what was in those texts. I do not know how to go on. Everyone says it will get easier, everyone says it's only been 4 days. But these are the 4 longest days of my life. I don't know how to do this.

I'm in the middle of my third week since DD and I promise you, you will get better a little bit each day. It's up and down. You just have to accept that, be easy on yourself. Drink lots of water, get some Ensure, sleep. You really will feel better.

I also write in a journal constantly. It helps me sort things out; I find I out pull out truths about our marriage I wasn't even able to admit before. It gets me straight before I see my therapist too.

My husband went from telling me I was the greatest love of his life, to shutting me down and wanting out of the marriage overnight. He's rewriting history too, saying he hasn't been happy in a long time but everyone knows that's bullshit. They do this to validate the shitty thing they did.

Right now, you first! Take care of yourself.

Jules,

Hugs, sweetie! I doubt myself every day when wondering how to respond to my WH and his shenanigans. But, a year out, I can say--with NO doubts whatsoever--that the best thing I have done is to focus on myself. Me, me, me! I have complete control only over myself and I am struck anew on a daily basis about how wonderful that can be.

Since you have children, they--naturally--come into the picture, too. But focusing on yourself right now will bless them big time in the future. Taking a deep breath and doing whatever is necessary to pass your exams is imperative. Maybe that means hiring a mother's helper so you can study. Or finding a study group or study buddy. Or napping every day so that you have renewed strength to study. And EXERCISING!!! Every time your feet hit the treadmill, you could be squishing his (or her) face. Every time you hit that punching bag could be a fist in the gut for one of them. And the high you'll feel when you're done is simply a bonus. Wear dark glasses and a hoodie and cry while you run. Who cares? No one will know you.

You also need at least one confidant. A therapist or a best friend or both. Make your choice wisely--no loose tongues until you ask for it to be loosened. Know what I mean? Then ask your bestie to attend games with you. Your children need your presence at the games, but you could stand on the opposing team's side to add distance. You could also take a camera and focus on taking the photos. Anything to keep your attention on the game and your children.

As for next semester? As long as he'll pay, let him pay. But prepare a back-up plan. Talk to the school about scholarships/grants. Talk to his parents/yours about loans. Get a student loan. You want to get that ball rolling so that you'll have the money when you need it and aren't dependent on him.

And, once finals are over, get yourself a trim or an entirely new hairstyle. Or a massage. Or a pedicure. Or a new outfit. Or . . . whatever helps you look forward to your new life. You have no control over the past, but you have lots of control over the future.

You can do this!!!

I would talk to attorneys again. Some do free initial consultations.

It seems like as a SAHM that you may be eligible for spousal support at least until you finish your education?

Does the sports related assoc have any ethical guidelines? I agree lots of parents would not want their kids coached or "mothered" by people like this?

Lola7 is so right. She was right were you were so very recently. The rewriting is common - too common. All of it is actually. We could tell you his next move because there are only 2 or 3 versions of this.

He will rewrite history so that he doesn't feel so bad. If he is honest and says it was a good marriage and you were a good wife, well that makes him a real piece of dogshit doesn't it? So he twists things in his mind to make himself tolerable. Its a defense mechanism. You were there in that marriage too. You know what it was like.

Most say they want out at first. It usually changes once that shiny new toy has a few dents in it. Letting light shine on an affair has the same effect as turning the lights on in a roach infested house - everyone runs for cover. Your H will be no different. Hence the dinner with family, etc.

Please do get some kind of nutrition, and rest. You will think more clearly with a few calories and some rest, and things won't seem so bleak. You will make it. We all did and we all felt just as you do now. You're a lot stronger than you realize, and when this is done you will have amazed yourself, I promise.

What do I do about our kids? She ruined her family too. Neither of our kids know the real deal. How can they expect to be together? I just don't get it. I wen to the grocery store and had to breathe out of a panic attack in the aisle. But I got some ensure. I know I need to take baby steps. And I long for those few minutes of clarity and confidence. But then I slip back into how the hell did this happen? How can he wan her? How can he think this is ok? This is not HIM. And the tears and panic start again. I am trying to believe in myself and listen to the words of support but at the end of the day, or in the middle of the night, its me. Just me waking up and freaking out. Me looking at my sleeping kids and sobbing. I'm not tryin to be bitter or rude, and I have great friends.. but after they console me they can go home to their husbands, kiss them and say "thank god its not us...anyway..." So I am SO thankful I found this site and I love hearing from all of you that made it through it. thank you.

Sounds like he wants his loving caring housewife....and he wants his trashy whore who strokes his ego and everything else.

You need to let him go or do a 180. He is deep in the throes of a fog and there is no way to reach him till time/and a 180 makes him realize what he is losing.

Any chance of finding support from the OBS?

There was a post in general some time ago that a WS posted about his time in a "fog" and the way they treated their spouse. I will find it for you.

Back on November 20th STBXW posted in general "Read this and wanted to share". That may help you to understand what he is doing and thinking.

But, you have made up you mind to leave....so still 180 him.

Honestly, I would want to tell the other team members parents about her. Talk to his parents while he is at work. Show them how devastating this is.

As far as panic attacks, I found that 5mg of Escitalopram helped with anxiety. I only used it for a few months till that phase of recovery/healing was done.

I still don't understand why it is such a big deal for you to be there at Thanksgiving. Maybe to help care for the kids? Does he plan on taking her? Do not go. Here is your chance to 180 and start living separately while under the same roof.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 4:35 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

He needs to talk to your kids and tell them the truth. He needs to be honest with everyone. You aren't responsible for hiding his sleazy secret.

Why does he want you at his family's place for Thanksgiving? That makes no sense. I thought his family knew he had left, so why should you and your kids be there. He wants a divorce so he can start acting like a divorced person. Tell him that you and your kids will be celebrating at home, and tell him that he needs to tell his sons why he's moved out. You owe him nothing.

Please see your doctor, or call for some anti anxiety meds. They will help you. I'm so sorry he's being such a coward. If this is what he wants, then why is he hiding it?

Cowards.

What do I do about our kids?

Consider calmly telling him to move out. Tell him to go live with her. "She can have you. She deserves you, but I deserve so much better."

If he won't tell the kids the truth about why he is leaving, you will. "Your father has been cheating on me. He broke his wedding vows and he is not sorry."

I think your boys need to know that you will not let him treat you like this. You will not tolerate his disrespect and enable his deception of his family. I'm sure they already sense sorrow and fear from you, and disdain and anger from him. They are going to find out what happened. Tell them the truth now and you'll be earning their trust and respect.

Sailorgirl is right. You need to tell your kids, and name the OW. Don't let him spin it with the kids.

You should expose this to everyone. Talk to his parents yourself. You may want to slow down rushing to divorce. Take a deep breath. Get through the end of the semester. But do not count on this man to support you. He is a betrayer of you and your family and cannot be trusted to keep his word. He's proven that!

After you expose this, because you NEED to, their relationship dynamic will change. Go slow.

He has moved out. We told the kids nothing about an affair and I lied to their beautiful faces and told them we just couldn't get along blab blah. His parents know about the affair and are sad. I lost my mom at 19 so my mother in law has become a second one. We even built a house next door to them. They are my family. My kids are the only grandiose as my two brothers in law are unmarried and childless. I want to tell my kids why but there is also one of my sons best friends to think about. OW is his mom. I'm sure the truth will come out and when I am asked I will not lie. We spend every holiday with my inlaws. When he made a comment about me going next door and I said I wasn't, he got really defensive. Why cant you come? Uh hello? I told him the divorce would eventually happen and I would no longer be able to attend family functions. He asked who's rule that was Bc it wasn't his.

And that I was still a member of the family. Hes crazy. Hes trying not to upset his mom or kids...nevermind what that does to me. OW will not be welcome there. Of course they are still hiding their 'love's anyway. He said he doesn't love me and loves her and wants out. I think he never expected to get caught and wasn't ready to be forced to play his hand early. So I keep telling myself things happen for a reason and I will be ok. I will eventually be ok or better. I have had an hour of no sobbing so I'm feeling pretty tough right now. Still nauseous and cold. But not a crying mess. I hope I have more moments like this. And all that keeps me going right now is my kids and me telling myself it is not real love btw them and it wont last and I hear she is having her ulcer problems again (heard from obs) I hope the guilt is eating them both alive even if he doesn't show it.

Maybe, that is the best. You not being there this Thanksgiving may just jolt him into realizing what he did. I agree with the others...don't let him dictate what happens. Make some of your own rules. Tell the kids...tell them he still loves them...that you still love him, but that their Daddy no longer loves you. He loves ....blah...blah...blah now.

Do go see an attorney -- ask if your WH can be charged for YOUR legal fees. This is normal as you are still married and can be made part of the divorce settlement. One consultation should establish if this is an option where you live.

You need a friend right now. Get out and talk. Join a free group of any kind after about a month. It might take you longer or sooner to feel strong enough to get out of the house.

Expect to be in pain for a long time. It gets bearable after three months and I started to sleep properly after six months.

Do one positive thing for yourself each day. Whatever that is. No matter how tempting, avoid destructive behaviour.

About the 180, it's different for everyone. It took me about seven months to be able to do it despite trying from the beginning. It's effective.

Consider anti-depressants.

None of this will solve your situation, but will help you survive the first year.

About seeing them together, it's OK to say 'no' and not attend their sporting events. You're human and you have feelings. Don't punish yourself for experiencing massive pain. If you're feeling it, you're feeling it. Tell your WH to figure out the sports games himself.

Vent here. It made a world of difference for me.

I want to tell my kids why but there is also one of my sons best friends to think about. OW is his mom.

Let her worry about her son. Sooner or later she's going to have to come clean - should your children be confused and experiencing any worries due to uncertainty in the meantime? Hell no! You owe these two sleazebags NOTHING. I understand this is still fresh for you, but you MUST conjure the strength from deep within to be a hard-ass right off the line. How you handle this at this early stage can greatly impact the trajectory of this ugly situation. Try to tap into some of the anger right now. Anger, in controlled amounts, can mask the pain and give you the kick in the ass you need to get some important things done. Anger will help you take some of the scarier steps you must take with far more ease than if you allow yourself to be consumed by sadness. Your responsibility right now is to YOU and YOUR children. Not your husband. Not OW. Not OW's son. Not your in-laws. Not to anybody but YOU and YOUR children. Right now your world is being turned upside down by two people who should have had your back - turn the tables on them by turning their worlds upside down. The best way to do that? Exposing them. Expose them to their children, their neighbors, their families, their friends, their coworkers, the people who think they're decent, and anybody who will listen. YOU are the victim and do not deserve to carry the weight of their actions. Force them to own their actions by exposing them. At the very least, tell your children in an age-appropriate fashion that they're father has been cheating on you with OW. They deserve to hear it from YOU before they hear it from anybody else - Mark my words - they WILL hear it from somebody else, it's just a matter of time.

I just cannot tell them. I cant. I wish I could. And I thought I had already hit bottom but I think I just did now. Because I realized that everyone does know (due to OW BS) and I am embarrassed. Like 'what is wrong with Jules that he chose to be with her' I am. The despair is back. Me praying guilt eats them up is back. Me praying that they will not last. Me praying I wont end up alone but thinking I will never trust another man again. Me begging God to wake up from this nightmare. I want to be PISSED. I want to have the energy to make a plan. I want to feel like my life isn't over. I know my responsibility i to my kids and I am doing the best I can. I do not want to tell my son there is another woman and especially not who it is. If they are going to continue this relationship yes my kids will find out. I hope if that happens my kids reject them both but as bitter as i

Am I cannot be the one to tell them. I know that sounds strange to some of you and its quite possible part of it J's denial but I wont gain anything by breaking my sons heart will I? I'm sure the truth will come out and when it does I will be there to pick up the pieces again.