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Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 1:53 AM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Memories of AP4 haunt me.
What does that mean? Because that''s the heart of my pain most days. I''m wondering how my H can think about what he did to me, without thinking about his AP... and I don''t want him thinking about his AP. I''m afraid ''memories of AP haunting me'' means he''s thinking about the curl of her hair, or the way she looked at him, or the way she ran her nails down his back... ?
For myself, the perspective changed. During the A, it was all unicorns and rainbows. AP was a dark brooding sort. And I found it "fun" to make him smile or smirk. I''ll spare you how I did it. 
When I got a reaction from him, I was happy and/or proud of myself. Woohoo, go me. 
Now? When the flashbacks and memories hit, I get sick. I see his smirk in my mind and what used to be a thrill, is nauseating. Any memory I have of him now is in the right perspective. I see him for the Black Hole that he is. I see him for the poison he was. Yes the memories are there, but they''re not good ones.
A friend posted a song in her FB feed a week or so ago. Great song, but one of the musicians in it is a dead ringer for AP4. (who ironically is a musician/music producer) I instantly felt sick and ashamed of myself. Not because I missed the AP or was fondly remembering things from the A, but because I know the damage my brokenness caused. I hurt my husband terribly with this man. That makes me feel terrible.
So the memories are there, but it''s just not the same.
Does that make any sense?
[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:53 PM, December 6th, 2013 (Friday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
plainpain ( member #40139) posted at 1:57 AM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Yes, thank you so much. It means a lot to hear you say it like that.
Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.
Aubrie (original poster member #33886) posted at 2:08 AM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Glad it helped. 
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
sodamnlost ( member #37190) posted at 2:48 AM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Thank you both! Your bravery is commended!!
Me - BS original Dday 10-2012, separated June 2014, divorce Fall 2016
Grief, loss and pain taunt her - "you will never be the same." Like a Phoenix rising from the ashes, she rises and spreads her new wings as she brushes off the ashes an
TimeToManUp ( member #37538) posted at 7:45 PM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
This post resonated a lot more with me than the original. I can relate to what was said here. There are a few key moments in your tale that just don't happen here, and I truly could make the difference in this day being the minority of our time. And I'm not blaming TCD... But I do feel there is a breakdown involving both of us that is keeping th good and bad days from flip-flopping... I'm feeling very sad today...
I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.
SoAngryAndHurt ( member #40150) posted at 10:57 PM on Saturday, December 7th, 2013
Thanks so much for sharing. This helps tremendously.
Me BW
Him WH
2 kids elementary school age
Married 12 years
05/20/13 I confront and TT begins
07/01/13 The whole truth. Admits to EA/PA
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