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Bdell (original poster member #41673) posted at 5:48 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
It could be that she is more willing to "go to the wall" to stay married, than she is to stay married to me. If we are going to reconcile, she has to prove that she is in love with me, and not the security of marriage. It will probably be tough, but it has to be done.
crossroads2010 ( member #30213) posted at 2:07 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
You have A LOT to process...BSs react to finding out about betayal in different ways...your kneejerk reaction to the shock was to consider betraying her back...for me, it was to just wlk around paralysed...almost zombie like for 6 months. Find an IC..this is a journey you will need help with.
The fact that you found out years later adds to the betrayal...my dday was 4 years ago...at tht time WH confessed to another A with same OW he had 20 years before that...to me that was like 20 years of lying to me. The more trust there was before the A, the harder it is to regain...I have had to accept that I will never probably regain it entirely.
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 2:09 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
Crossroads- why do you stay? You seem to have a very realistic accepting attitude. I'm not there yet.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:00 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
If we are going to reconcile, she has to prove that she is in love with me, and not the security of marriage.
Oh, man - that's what I want, too!
My problem is that 1) I don't think either of the 2 approaches you mention will provide proof, and 2) I don't know what will.
That's why I say you just have to observe and take risks. (And remember, both R & D pose risks.)
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
steadfast1973 ( member #24719) posted at 4:53 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
Only time, and continued fidelity will convince you of those things.
Me- 42- BS Him- 38- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 multi EAs, likely PA, trickle truth, d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute Separated 1/2017
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah"
crossroads2010 ( member #30213) posted at 6:41 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013
You seem to have a very realistic accepting attitude.
Don't want to deviate from thread topic, but the why do I stay queston..why do any of us stay is a good question. There is no way to know...no real way to prove that the WS will not stray again and that even if they don't that they are staying in the relationship b/c they are truely remorseful and love us and not just because it is less traumatic than leaving. There are days when I wonder if I am staying b/c the fallout of my leaving would be so much. I accept the reality of the situation.
Bdell...there is really no way to tell if your W is regretful or truely remorseful at this point...time will tell you...listen to your heart and your gut feelings. Your situation is somewhat unique in that you found out so long after the A.
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