SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks Clarissa--

What I meant was that the talking happened in my sleep, so I don't have conscious control of what I say while dreaming. I'm in IC and everything else that comes with R, and I'm not afraid of anything happening as far as actions.

And thanks-- people posting here have been very helpful; i've been reading a lot, as a way to understand myself.

[This message edited by kmom2662 at 3:54 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Hi All,

First I want to say thank you to you all for your honesty, candor and non-judgement. I am new to posting here, and although my dday(s) were some time ago, you all give me comfort and hope, although I often believe I don't deserve either.

For me the hardest thing to do is think back on the person I was when these things happened. To think of how selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic and pathetic I was, and know that I put my family, children, EVERYTHING I have at risk. It just rios my insides out.

I have since made major changes in my life that are for the better, and luckily my family is still in tact and thriving, but looking in the mirror and seeing (or at least remembering) the old me gets to me and triggers me. Every. Single. Day.

Everything about my infidelity has been full of 'hardest things'. Picking one, that would be finding out that I am not who I thought I was.

Peeling away these layers of self-deception and facing all the ways I have propped up a persona at cost to others and myself has been brutal.

NoGoodUsername,

That's a great and honest answer.

If this thread has brought us all here and open, then it is exactly what I wanted. Thank you all for taking the time to share your feelings and stories. My letter last night affected me so strongly. I wanted to know if and when those kind of moments happened for anyone else. There is a nice thread in General about all of our stories here and how our BSs are proud of us for opening up and sharing to help others.

I never thought I would be able to bring those kind of feelings out of a BS. Especially mine. Teach8, I love you. Thank you for the chance (I don't deserve) to show you.

kmom, sorry if I misunderstood.

So you said your APs name while you were asleep. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that. Very few people can control what they dream about or what they do/say while they're dreaming. Alot of people don't remember what they dream. For example, a couple years ago I woke up to my H grasping my wrist. Why was he? Because I'd just popped him a good one (and he sported a fair size goose egg for almost a week after). I'd done it while asleep and dreaming. I had *no* clue what I'd been dreaming, even though I'd been asleep just seconds earlier.

There's no way you can really guarantee you or your H that it won't happen again outside taping your mouth shut every night. Did you talk to your H about it? And are the two of you working through it?

(Apologies again if I t/j'ed)

If I had to pinpoint one thing, I'd say just watching BBF reactions. All I could do is hold him and make sure he didn't get dehydrated from all of his crying. This happened for weeks post Dday and still happens every now and then. I have never hurt someone so badly in my life...but I needed to see it. I know I won't ever do it again...tear someone apart like that.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 4:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

Yes, we've talked about it. I'm less afraid of it than I was because it's been a while without recurring. H has a lot of trouble with it though; if he wakes up during the night he is afraid to stay in bed in case it happens again. What I hate is that I can try to do everything right in my conscious state, but I may cause him more pain unintentionally. It was the worst moment of my life, and I think the worst moment of his too.

I wrote, at my BH's behest, a letter to our children detailing what I had done. I was heartsick and terrified of how they would react.

They never saw it, but my BH said to me that he could not believe I would do such a thing to our children. I was totally shocked and angry as he had insisted on it and now he was condemning me for writing it

Cissie, thank you. I really do know how you feel. My wife asked me why I had the stop sign up when I started the thread? Truth is I was so afraid of what a BS might post. I know that is selfish and not true growth. But it was and is still so emotional to grasp. I sat at work today reading and crying. Trying to keep it together in front of other people. And being happy when I had to be. It really is something that I believe has changed my view on my life and my family. And that may truely be a first. To think of them. Now to put them first. To really put them first. To be a husband and father they can really be proud of.

Everything about this nightmare I've caused IS the hardest thing. But the most painful thus far was sitting alone on Christmas Eve, not allowed to see my children, separated from my wife and just sitting and brewing in the horror of my making.

I called my dad that night and we cried together on the phone. It felt like the end.

And then I realized no matter how bad I felt, my wife was in even worse pain. No one, not least of all my amazing wife, deserves to be put in this position and I did it all. Surviving this IS the hardest thing I have ever done.

I'm sorry that's how you got to spend your christmas. I am glad your dad was there to listen. I hope you and your wife can put the pieces back together. Did you get to talk to your wife or kids over the holiday? Were you able to express your love for them? To them? I don't know how I would handle a christmas without my family. I honestly don't want to know.

Still early in the process so: every minute of every day. Every discussion, every gut wrenching detail, and knowing it won't end any time soon. Knowing that I turned BH into the bitter, angry, hurt, sad, and unkind person he is today.

Before October I would have told you that he was kind, selfless, a little obsessive/controlling... but overall a good, compassionate, and loving man. Sometimes a shadow of the good falls on our relationship. But most of the time it feels like the biggest power struggle we've ever had.

I know he is thanking his "lucky" stars we don't have kids. Frankly, I am too. I'm not moving (progressing) fast enough for him.

Let's see:

- Confront my Narcissism

- Confront my FOO Issues and start taking steps to patch things up with my mother

- Lose my last grandparent shortly after DDay #1

- Summon the strength to carry on and help Heart

Hi scream, yes, I did get to see my family over the holidays. My BS was incredibly fair in that regard and it made the difference between me crying over Christmas versus me losing it entirely.

She let me take the kids alone to church on Christmas Eve (I had to leave them afterwards). She then, amazingly, survived to be in the same room with me for an hour while the kids opened presents on Christmas day.

I left mid morning so she could feel safe again in the house and that was that...a few hours with my family over Christmas and it will forever be the hardest thing I have ever done.

I wish I could give you some comfort. I guess seeing you are still early on is a plus. Are you and your BS considering R? Do you talk about each others feelings? And more importantly...do you listen? I had a very bad way that I would hear my wife or even other people...but mostly my wife and family. But I wouldn't listen. Maybe best advice I can give to you right now.

Too soon for her to talk about R, which is normal (thank God) this early in. BUT, we are going regularly to MC and it gives me hope. I won't bore you with everything I am doing to show her with my actions how much our marriage means to me, but I am fighting with everything I've got - including LISTENING to her, which she has told me many times I never did during the A... Thanks for your help - it helps!

Your welcome. and you can pm anytime you need help. God and my wife know I don't have all the answers. But I will listen