SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

cl,

After reading your responses in your thread, it seemed to me that you were kind of "hoping" to find a phone. The phone would be the last straw you needed to really break things off - once and for all. So, I read your profile and then read your journal (which you suggested people do to get your "full story"), to get a broader perspective.

After reading everything, I can see how hurtful this has all been to you during the first year of your marriage. Your H sounds very immature and has very poor boundaries, to say the least. He seems to have no idea how much pain he has caused you. He just seems to do whatever his childish mind wants to do at the time. He doesn't sound like a great H, I'm sorry to say.

I don't have any big ideas for you, but here are a few thoughts:

1. It seems like you already know the answer to the equation you are trying to solve. You're just trying to prove how you got the answer. You'd like something more solid, in terms of proof, before you make any final decisions. I can see why you feel this way, although the answer already does seem very apparent. (Are you prepared financially and emotionally for what you are probably going to find? Do you have a plan, because you're probably going to need one.) With that said, here are some thoughts on getting what you're looking for.

2. "Ithoughtiknewya" has a good idea about getting a Voice Activated Recorder. This should accomplish the same thing as finding the phone...and more. If you find the phone, you still don't know what he is saying on the phone. With a VAR you do.

3. Brkn_heartd also has a good idea about a key logger.

4. In terms of finding the actual phone, Brandon's idea is clever.

5. after installing the var and keylogger, I would also suggest providing him with plenty of open space opportunity. Take the kids for play dates with friends. Visit a relative some weekend without your h, etc.

6. During this time of "additional discovery" you need to be relaxed and casual and not show any suspicion.

Flirting during a marriage is bad news, IMO. For your situation the news is obviously much worse. Unfortunately, your H is more than a flirt. He is being inappropriately sexual with other women. Whether he has slept with one of them yet is still unknown, but he probably has (business trip...bringing something to her room at night) there is no question that he will do that in the future, just IMO.

I don't know how to end this post, other than to wish you luck. With a VAR and keylogger in place, I'm sure you're going to all the proof you need to justify the answer that already seems apparent. Good luck.

Look for it in plain sight. Ex's secret phone was nearly identical to his "real" phone. I don't know it for a fact, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out he had plugged in the secret phone and charged it right in front of me.

Also, don't be surprised if you find the proof you're looking for, and he continues to deny. Or better yet, he accuses you that it's your phone. Or that you're crazy and planting evidence. Or...

Good luck and don't let him blameshift/gaslight any more than he already has.

cl131716 -

I understand your need to know more. I was in the same boat for awhile, but there comes a point in time at which enough is enough.

What are you going to do if you find his secret phone? I think my WW had one, but I just let it go. Why? Because there are MANY ways to communicate on his phone, the regular one that you know about, that you'll never be able to track. My thought is this: if you get to the point you're at, it's time to draw "the line in the sand" and stick to it. It's time to stand up for you with or without finding the other phone.

Finding the other phone may give you what you need to move on, but if you're like me, you'll want something else. At this point, I've got everything except a picture of them in bed together, and I still doubt at times whether or not she actually had an A. I didn't want to admit to myself that she could hurt me that bad, and so I kept looking for something that would prove to me that she didn't hurt me that bad. When I finally admitted to myself that she did in fact intentionally hurt me, it made it easier to stop digging for more "evidence". I, and so do you, deserve better than that. I don't want a M where I have to wonder if my wife has a secret cell phone. Do you?

If you HAVE to find this phone, Google "cell phone detectors". They'll find it, but they're somewhat pricey. But, is it worth it? You already know he's a cheat. What more than that do you need?

Bottom line: your (generic sense) spouse should be able to have an infinite number of cell phones, email accounts, Facebook accounts, etc. and remain faithful to you. But if they do cheat, finding all the "evidence" won't make it go away.

Hang in there, and don't let his crap drive you nuts.

Hang in there, and don't let his crap drive you nuts.

Thank you. I started thinking about that this morning. What would be the point? I already know the first time he continued contact so chances are he did this time too. He didn't care about my feelings or how hurt I was then so why would he now? What I know is already enough and it's probably best I don't have all the details anyways. Really it's not worth stressing over. I'm done stressing about it. I'm done wondering what he's not telling me. It's really only hurting ME anyways. I can't control him or his actions so I am giving that up. Even if I found more evidence would that be enough to just leave? Probably not. Honestly, it's the present I am more concerned with. I don't have the feeling anything is going on at this moment. If at a later date I do then I will trust my gut and cut my losses. If all that has happened is already a deal breaker...well I will figure that out with time. I'm still in limbo but I feel more at peace today because I decided to let it all go. Stop analyzing and just continue to take it day by day.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 4:03 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

I too think you have found something. The program will have a download date attached. I am sorry but I think there is more to it than your H is willing to admit.

Cat- the program itself has been deleted but the shortcut is still there. As far as I can tell it says it was created on 12/04/13 at 7:58pm. The ironic part is I looked back and that was the day he "found it" and accused me of having a phone.

So I've looked around but found nothing. I did however discover it was a Droid which I believe is a Verizon phone is what was plugged in based off the installation version. I'm going to run a program on my computer that is supposed to come up with a log of all devices ever plugged into the USB with time and date as soon as I can. Hopefully find something there.