Neither D or R are good choices. Unfortunately, I don't see any other choices in my future either.
Ivyivy (and anyone else feeling the same)
In addition to R and D there is a third choice which is to "not divorce". I get that for some people the A can be a deal breaker, or the WS does not maintain NC or otherwise leaves the BS feeling unsafe in the M, so immediately moving to D is a reasonable and proper choice.
As for R, I believe the first few months (year or two) after dday is too early for many BS to commit to R. After dday the BS and the WS have work to do before they are ready to work together as co-equals to repair and build the M relationship. The WS needs to understand why he or she turned to an OP and A. What the A was intended to address, and then to learn and practice new perceptions, behaviors, and coping mechanisms to replace the dysfunctional ones that facilitated their A. Any re-writing of the M history, demonizing of the BS, or other rationalizations of the A period must be re-evaluated by the WS and aligned more with reality.
While the WS is working on those things, the BS is working on getting to acceptance of the A in their life, and to healing. This is a time when the BS can benefit from some IC to explore why they may have tolerated poor behavior from the WS, help processing their emotions, and values clarification for what the BS wants going forward. This is also a good time to watch the WS and see if he or she is owning his or her issues, learning new behaviors and coping mechanisms, and practicing these new habits for a sustained period.
Then, when the BS is willing and able to engage the WS as a co-equal again in the M to work together on repairing and building the M is the time to commit to R.
