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If you want to move past it, you need to believe him. So trust your gut and verify stuff he tells you. Then you can move forwards.

I wanted to move past it when I first found out, but didn't check it out fully and I had 5 weeks of TT which is a killer. Once I got the full story (very different from the first story) I verified it and we are rebuilding trust now.

I know what everyone is saying and I am sorry if it doesnt sound like I am grateful. because I truly am. It is just so hard. My head and my heart tell me differnt things. I feel like a bad person for spying on him. I feel untrusting. I want so bad to save my marraige and I guess I am trying to sweep things under the rug, but I know I cant. I will do the detective work, but I am scared of what I might find. I am scared that my demand for a divorce if he is lieing to me will be my reality.

Hi Cbrum,

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

but promises that it did not go that far.

My H said this too. Sadly, it was a lie.

Also, as others have said:

Secret cell phone - yes. OW gave him her husband's phone.

Secret e-mail accounts - yes, pleural. Having the passwords to the accounts you know about does not cover the ones about which you know nothing.

We have never had a trust issue

Now you do. So sorry.

she is scared that he will hurt her if he finds out she was texting.

This one smacks of manipulation. Hmmm, not really your concern anyway.

I want to make her feel the pain that I feel.

Trust me, if OW knew he was married, which I presume she did/does, there is no way you can make her feel pain. She is an empty shell. She is not your concern anyway. She is so far beneath you, I would just pretend you cannot see her.

Have you considered a polygraph to see about getting the full truth?

Hugs to you.

E.

We all understand,honey.

You are not a bad person. he has done something terrible and has broken your trust. What you are doing is protecting yourself. You deserve to know the truth about this affair and your marriage. It IS terrifying. but you have to know the truth so you can deal with it.

You feel untrusting because he is untrustworthy. By HIS actions,not yours.

(((((cbrum84))))))

He is a maintenace manager, and she is a housekeeper. They have different schedules he works during the day and she at night. He said they started out as nothing but her texting him how is your day going...did you enjoy your lunch, and then it became more sexual...you look sexy in your uniform...and more graphic ones that I would rather not type. My husband doesnt even text me. He admitted he liked the attention, but when she wanted more from him he ended it. Thats the story...but I guess I will ahve to wait for the truth. Im just not very patient. Here I go crying again. I hate reliving this crap in my head

Hmm. Why did she have his phone number in the first place?

I was a housekeeper for awhile,years ago. There was no need for the housekeepers to have the maintenance guys phone numbers.

As for her being scared her SO will hurt her if he finds out she was sexting? That's a typical OW bullshit tactic they use so the OM can play KISA.

Tell her SO. Chances are, he will make her quit her job.

Your WH needs to find another job.

And, I hate to ask. But. It sounds like this is a hotel? Has your WH been late at all in the last few months? Even a few minutes? has he had to go out at night for any reason? Also, don't discount the fact that OW could have come in on her day off, or come in during the day to see him. When they want to cheat, they find the time. Mine was never late. Well, he was once. 20 minutes. It was "traffic." No..he was cheating.

I know I know I know!!! Every thing i read is me taking up for him or making excuses. I have to stop that. He said that she asked him to call her phone because she couldnt find it. LAME! It is a hotel...sadly there are many places there they can be alone. He has had to go back to work a few times but it was always his boss that texted him or called him. But i guess that could of been a lie too.

If I doubt everything wont it just eat away at me. I dont want to go through the rest of my life miserable.

You need to take a breath. Calm down. Stop worrying about the rest of your life. Right now you only need to worry about today. You have suffered a terrible trauma. You are probably in a bit of shock.

You don't *have to* do anything at all until you are ready. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is making sure you are taking care of yourself, and your children. Are you eating? Are you getting enough to drink? This is very important. There have been BS's who have wound up in the hospital because they're severely dehydrated. Are you able to sleep? Have you called your doctor? You need to do that. make an appointment for STD tests, and if you feel you may need it, an AD or something to help you sleep. There is no shame in being tested because your husband cheated on you(this is not your fault at all), and it is ok to ask for medication, if you feel you need it. Many BS's have gone on AD's after dday.

Try to do something today for YOU. Take a bath. Let WH watch the kids..and clean the house...and make dinner..and clean up..and do the laundry. Let him handle everything for now. The most important thing is that you are taking care of you.

I know the advice on here sounds harsh sometimes. Sometimes a new BS is in a fog of their own..understandably so.

Hugs to you.

Thank you. No im not sleeping or eating much. I know i need to take a breath but it hurts so much to breathe sometimes. I try to pretend I am not thinking about it at work, but I cant stop thinking about it. I do have some support here at work. I am the only female here butI ahve worked with these guys for 10 years. My husband worked here before too before getting the other job. I have only told one of them what happened, but he knew some of it already because my husband confided in him also. He says I need to trust him, but he also understands that i cant right now. Thanks for listening to me vent and for the support

Unfortunately, people who have never been betrayed by their spouse have no clue how to handle this in a healthy way. Im sure your friend meant well, but telling you 3 days after your WH admits to cheating on you that you need to trust him is crap advice. WHY should you trust him? He has just shown you he is untrustworthy. Can you trust him again some day? Yes. But not until he earns that back..and it will take a very long time. Also, keep in mind, your WH told him his own spin of the stroy...your friend only knows what your WH is telling him...it's not necessarily the truth.

In order to R in a healthy way your WH needs to:

Be completely transparent. You get full access to all of his accounts,email,facebook,bank, and cell. This includes passwords. This is non-negotiable.

He must answer any and all of your questions for as long as you need to ask them. This is how your brain processes this kind of trauma. And you will ask the same questions..and different ones, as time goes by. Once it sinks in, you will have more questions. he answers without blame or defensiveness.

He gets into IC to figure out why he did this. It has nothing to do with you or the marriage.

He owns this. He takes full responsibility for this affair without blaming you.

He gets tested for STD's.

He writes OW a NC email..and you send it so you know it went out unaltered.

He agrees to NC with OW..about anything..ever. If she approaches him, he walks away and he tells you immediately. ANY breach of NC is to be reported to you right away.

He is honest with you about everything at all times. This is how he rebuilds trust.

No friends who are not friends of the marriage. If he has any friends who knew about the OW and they didn't tell you, they are not friends of the marriage (FOM).

He needs to start looking for another job immediately.

This is a 2-5 year process..and that is if you have a remorseful WH who is consistent and doing the hard work to repair the damage he has done to you, himself, and the marriage.

ETA: I know it hurts to breathe. I remember telling my FWH that I couldn't believe I wasn't dead..how was it possible for a person to be in so much pain and still be alive? It does get better. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:11 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Tell him you have scheduled a polygraph to confirm it was just texting. Let him think he is going and just see how he reacts.

Tell him you have scheduled a polygraph to confirm it was just texting. Let him think he is going and just see how he reacts.

cbrum84... this is a great idea as well. You should consider it and do not back out of it.

I saw that your other thread was locked, and wanted to answer your question.

If he doesn't respond? No, unfortunately that doesn't mean he is telling the truth about everything. It means nothing more than he didn't respond. He might never respond. Or he might be thinking about it. Wait. If he comes home and tells you, or better yet, shows you the text, then that is a really good sign. but it doesn't mean he has told you the truth. The spyware might catch him in lies. BUT. It also might reassure you that he is being open and honest.

I've been thinking a bit more about what her text said. Obviously they have spoken. Whether in person,text, or on the phone. But there had to have been some kind of discussion for her to have sent that text. It was a continuation of the conversation...it wasn't "Hey, can we talk yet?" or "Are we still meeting at noon?" So they HAVE had contact.

He is proving he isn't trustworthy. He has spoken to the OW. He should have called you as soon as she sent that text. I know you hate it, but if you want the truth, this is the way to get it.

If he doesn't respond, and he doesn't say anything to you when he gets home from work, please,please do your best to not confront. You need the truth and if you tip him off, you may never get it. He will know you're upset, but that's normal. He just dropped a bomb on your marriage..you don't have to make any excuses for being sad and angry.

He needs another job. Tomorrow.

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:43 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

My husband worked here before too before getting the other job. I have only told one of them what happened, but he knew some of it already because my husband confided in him also.

If your H told this coworker what was happening, and he didn't tell you - you cannot trust this coworker. He held your H's secret. Don't believe ANYTHING he says! He is more a friend of your H's than of yours.

I dont know why the post was locked, but thanks for responding. I know I need to keep quiet. I just keep seeing my whole life fall apart. And he has already asked me if I wanted him to quit and he was willing to do so. I just dont think that is fair. He has a great job, great benefits and has only been there a year and they want to move him up. He has an opportunity for this be a career he can retire from. Why take that away from our family?

Sometimes I wish I never called the OW because all she did was make me feel like sh**. Once my husband threw her under the bus and I spoke to her BF she wanted to destroy me. My husband wasn't working when he started the affair and sent her some money from our joint account. She made a point to tell me "thanks for working hard to take care of me idiot". She was friends with him on Facebook and him and I where tagged in photos where I had gained weight she kept texting me from her and friends phone calling me "fat joe" and "your husband is disgusted by your body" "second baby vagina not so tight". I had to change our numbers. Some of these women get very nasty and hate to lose. She is a non-factor if you are reconciling.

Since he offered to find another job please take it! Now before he changes his mind and you want him to. Trust me. He can start over again. Take away the daily reminders and temptation. It's a struggle for them to stay away and if strays your family may not make it intact. Do whatever you can to give your marriage a fighting chance. My WS is looking for another job (unfortunately his is due to potential company buyout)...but him also leaving her behind is bonus. He's been looking for awhile now and I hope and pray daily something comes up. Only thing that hurts is it may mean us moving again but would be better in the long run to be far away from her.

Don't think of it as doing something *to* the family. Think of it as saving your family.

This is a hotel. He is there all day..she can come in during the day..you will never know if they are still in contact as long as they work at the same place. Never. This is a sad fact of your husband's affair. He has already broken NC. He clearly spoke to her prior to her sending that text. Did he tell you about that? Im guessing no.

This woman knows he is married with children. AND her SO doesn't know. She has NO reason to stay away from your husband. She has waged war on your family. You need to do all you can to shore up your boundaries and protect your family.

I understand, but in a way I want him to face her everyday. I want him to be tested, but I want him to resist that. Is that weird?

I understand what you're saying. But that is a dangerous game, honey.

I've been thinking about this some more. WHY would she have said she didn't throw him under the bus? Im wondering if her SO found *something* and he questioned her about it. She,in turn, told your WH to lay low or whatever. And your WH then told you because he wasn't sure if her SO would contact you and tell you his suspicions..so he told you what he did to minimize the fall out.

We tell BS's all the time to let the OBS know..but not to warn their WS they're going to do it..because the WS might warn the AP, and they have time to get a story ready before contact is made between the BS's. Im wondering if that's what is going on. If that's the case, then they are arguing over whether she told her SO who the OM, or if her SO figured it out on his own.

Have you contacted her SO?