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As gently as I can, your list is for you. These are things that you want to see happen that he has refused to do. He's had no consequences for not doing any of these things, so why would he do them now? And as long as he is seeing the OW and you are tolerating it, no matter how much he cries or what verbal noises come out of his mouth, he is still getting what he wants and you AND your children are #3.

I honestly don't think that your letter is going to accomplish anything except push the decision that you have to make farther in the distance and cause more hurt to you. I wish that it weren't so, but that is my honest appraisal.

I'm with Skan. Your list and letter will pretty much be blown off and ignored like any of your past requirements from the times he cheated before.

Unfortunately, you've been in this position a few times before and nothing has changed, so I can't imagine this time will be any different. I really hate to say it, but when you start having to issue ultimatums to your husband that he's not allowed to have sexual fantasies anymore unless they're about you, that pretty much speaks volumes.

This is a man that says he won't even fight you if you want to divorce him, so I can't imagine he'd be interested in doing much of anything on your list. Oh, he might lie and claim he's following it, but this man is so apathetic that the only one he seems to serve is himself.

Don't you want someone in your life who respects you and loves you and treats you the way you should be treated - because he wouldn't have it any other way and not because he was given a list of ultimatums by you?

I think sometimes we become so deeply mired in the dysfunction we're forced to live in year after year after year that we start to lose our clarity on what's 'normal' or 'rational.' God knows I spent a little time in those compromised 'woods,' no longer being able to see the forest for the trees.

I honestly think you need a clean break from him...some time alone so you can achieve some clarity and decide what the healthiest option is for you and your children. Your current situation simply doesn't allow you to do that, unfortunately.

Good luck to you.

I had no time to prep for the talk. I confronted him when I found the text messages. He told me to leave and I did. He was in control of the money, but I had credit cards. I saw an attorney the next day and started looking for an attorney right away. I had a temporary stipulation in line about two months after, so lived on credit cards during that time. He's been paying me support since then. I am in school and not working.

In hindsight, yes, I would have done things differently. Maybe I could have stayed in my home. I don't know.

What I want you to know, is that I was okay. You will be okay too. With space and distance, I have clarity now. I know that I don't want to be married to a man that lies and cheats. He showed no remorse and continues to lie. My life is better without him in it.

Please consult an attorney, to see what your rights are. Confrontation is scary but better than living in a lie.

I really am battling with trying to understand why I keep allowing all this from him. I keep accepting the lies, excuses, rug sweeping, blame shifting & minimizing. But why?

He wrote me this 2 page email trying to explain away the porn charges on the credit card. He actually blamed it on one of the kids. That's pretty sick and low! He's seriously ocd about credit card charges and counts every penny spent but now all of a sudden he says he hasn't been paying much attention to his statements and never event noticed them, and now that he's looking, there are a dozen other charges he's questioning that one of the kids must've charged.

He has no intention of taking responsibility for anything. At some point I MUST stop enabling him. I realize I am doing it, I just don't understand why. I know I don't want to live like this & I don't want to spend my life with someone that thinks so little of me.

Thank you all for the 2x4's. I clearly need them..... & a few more!

(edited for clumsy fingers)

[This message edited by FoggedIn at 10:21 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)]