It seems like what I think I'll be capable of forgiving or at least being able to live with changes day to day. Things are still pretty fresh--2 months since I found out about an EA. 1 month since I learned it was actually also a PA. The OW was a newly acquired "friend" so the double betrayal is especially hard. Of course I'm angry and sickened about the lying, the fact that I feel replaced, the sex. And that is going to be really hard for me to overcome. But what really terrifies the heck out of me is the aggression of the act and the fact that my H did not protect me, that he didn't have my back. Our M was definitely on the rocks when the A started, and H now says he felt a lot of anger toward me b/c I had pulled away, but I always felt that even through that, we still felt a basic respect for each other. That we would protect each other, even though we had drifted. The knowledge that he allowed her to come into my home repeatedly while the A was going on, that he knew she was "befriending" me while stabbing me in the back, letting our children play together... basically giving her the green light to get off on having power over me that I didn't know she had, exposing me to someone I truly feel has major socio tendencies--that is the hardest part for me to get past.
I cannot reconcile the good person I always thought my H to be (and still do) and his actions.
We are trying toward R and H seems very sincere. NC, in MC, doing his best to listen to me through my darkest rages even though his instinct is to run from conflict, but just knowing that he was capable of that is really difficult. Our MC has said that while most A's are not really about the BS, he says in our case he feels that this was a direct act of aggression toward me, from both my H and the AP, and that I may have served as a stand-in for the AP's own need to assert her superiority over other women.
I don't know, maybe one day I can get to the point where I can see that all people are capable of terrible actions, but not quite there yet.
