SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((((Praying))))

I've been reading your posts and wanted to say that I think you've made some incredible personal progress. I'm sorry for your pain; this must be so incredibly difficult. I would imagine your wife is struggling too.

Have you considered writing your letters to her in a journal, either a physical one or online? That way, you could get all those emotions out, and if things do change (and I really hope that you get your chance at R), you could ask her at some future point if she'd like to have them?

Hang in there. No matter what, all this personal growth is a positive change that shows a lot of strength of character, and is a positive change that you take with you into the future, regardless of the ultimate outcome of this relationship.

This is my first post, I felt compelled to jump in on Spotless Minds' post. As a BS, I think what SpotlessMind recommended (the journal of some sort) is a truly sincere, thoughtful and powerful gift to give your BS. It's one I would have deeply appreciated. That allows her open access to your love and emotions at there height, once she is ready to receive them. IMO, a beautiful thing!

Wow, everyone, thank you for the incredible input, guidance, opinions and just general reactions...getting through this life I'm living today, this horror I created for my wife and family, is only doable because of this community. I joined over the holidays when I had no where else to go and it continues to get me through each day. Amazing.

Onto to more pragmatic things.

Samantha is spot on, I have very reasonable access to the kids. My BS is not messing around on that front at all and WILL NOT put them in the middle of this. We are working so hard to keep their lives as untouched as possible through this and it's the one thing we agree on 100% when nothing else adds up.

For the record, this is what I get:

1 breakfast on Wed. 1 dinner on Thurs and ALL DAY Saturday and Sunday. Obviously it's not anything like living with them and I miss putting them to bed, but I'm letting my BS call the shots since it's her space I'm trying to protect (she also has been good about adding an extra dinner here and there when she knows she'll be out). The side benefit of this is it also helps my BS at some level because it gives her basically the entire weekend to just focus on her. She's been alone for a long time with me on the road AND in the A, so she can take as many weekends to herself as she needs.

With regards to the journal, I keep one and my wife has access since she has access to my laptop (Our agreement is I bring my laptop to the house every Sat morning for her review). So if she wants to read my journal or check the porn-blocker, website tracker she put on the machine, she can.

This part I don't really understand emotionally from a BS POV, just what I read, but sometimes she reads everything to the final detail and sometimes she needs to step away. I think it's been 2 weeks since she even checked my laptop, but it's there if she is interested or ready.

[This message edited by Prayingforhope at 12:55 PM, January 18th (Saturday)]