Dlp50 that is horrible info to live with. Those days between my suspecting and prior to dd were the darkest. I wonder how I made it through. That time span for me was only 3 weeks. I can't imagine what your going through being at it this long. I too dealt with a work phone with no access to texts, and only numbers. WH had No computer and no other devises so I was left to sleuth using a flip phone. And I had 1
Singular red flag. One. Plus I had a mini confrontation before before true dd, giving him more than enough time to delete. And delete he did. He was sewn up tight and was never going to admit, in fact after dd and into R I asked him what he planned to do if I never found the proof. He said the mini confrontation scared him to death, he immediately ended it and planned to take it to his grave. Anyway, so back to the flip phone. I went into his texts and phone log and wrote down every single phone number. I then went to my computer and I looked up public records to do a reverse look up on every number to find the person associated with the number. If I recognized the person i crossed them off the list. If I found a name I didn't know, I goggled the shit out of it until I was satisfied it wasn't a woman. After about 4 hours of doing this in the middle of the night I was getting to the end of the call log and I had nothing. I got to the very last number. It was last called 2 months earlier. I looked it up and there it was. Not a name I recognized, but I still knew immediatey she was Ow. It sucked. I was very lucky to find it. When he deleted the numbers he just missed this one. I cringe thinking about what would have happened if I didn't find it. It actually is an ongoing struggle for me. Anyway I waited until morning and got to work and did more public searching until I knew in my gut it was her. But there was still a chance it wasn't. Anyway he came home, I suddenly had diarrhea of the mouth and blurted out "who is xxxx"?
He answered both trying to not lie anymore but still minimize. A few days later I told him to meet me at the park and I told him he either spills it all out and I try to see if we can work it out, or lie for one more minute and he could go home and pack a suitcase and be gone within the hour. Hard as hell for me to do as we have 4 kids, 1 In college, 1 was heading off to college out of state the next minth, 1 heading off to college the next year and then our precious youngest and only son 12 years old. Not only did he then confess everything (I use the word confess lightly because technically this was not a confession) but all of the lies stopped at that minute. Not one more lie. Nothing but brutal honestly from that day forward. That was 2 years ago. Still no lying. So my point is I believe you will get no where with the lies until you get to the bottom of what he was up to. He is still in self preservation mode and unfortunately that involves excessive lying to work. It's a rare case where an A doesn't involve lying. I know you are perplexed by the lying about mundane things, I get that, but he has found a way to live in a caccoon where he thinks he got away with something and that was only possible by lying. And I have found that if you lie, you don't lie in just one aspect of your life. Lying doesn't get turned on and off in different situations or with different people. It's said here daily, liars lie. I will add to that liars lie about everything. My H only stopped lying when he didn't have to lie anymore. He's actually surprised at how easy life can be without lies. So it is possible to make the lying stop but I don't think you can get there without getting to the bottom of his secret life. You never know, you may find that he is worthy of R.
Good luck and huge hugs to you. May you find peace in whatever you choose to do.
