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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 1:31 PM on Sunday, February 2nd, 2014
Bottom line is if you are really honest with yourself, and we all did it back then, but if you really think back your very first thought way back in the very darkest part of your brain was "what if...." but we quickly squash it down as we don't want to go there. So we say that we "trust" them.
Of course we never thought we would be there so this stuff takes awhile to actually sink in and become reality. But when we look back we see certain clues, small ones at first but we saw them. We of course don't want to be the police of the marriage either....so we don't say anything as well.
Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.
He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.
shiloe ( member #1224) posted at 2:01 PM on Sunday, February 2nd, 2014
RealityStinks
. I could have put a stop of all this crap right then,
But could you have?
It is only up to the WS to put a stop to it.
You should not have to put a stop to it, that is all on them.
That is why so many WS just take the A underground.
But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 58 Dday 03/2011
Cheater -58 Married 26 yrs
DD - 23 DD -21 DS-19
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA- new MCOW D-2/17
RealityStinks ( member #41457) posted at 3:20 PM on Sunday, February 2nd, 2014
Shiloe -
Yes, I could have stopped it if I looked at the phone bill last April when the A was young. Maybe.
We hung out with the OM a lot between april and August.
You are 100% correct that I should not have to stop it, but I think I MIGHT have been able to in my situation. Maybe not, but it would have been easier in April rather than August after it went physical ( 99% sure about the physical starting in July, maybe earlier).
You are also correct about it going underground. It did when I found out in August. Then I found the gps records in November.
million tears ( member #24416) posted at 4:17 PM on Sunday, February 2nd, 2014
Don't beat yourself up. I think this is common.
OW was my "friend" I knew there were texts and phone calls. He even put our phones on unlimited texts and blamed it on the kids. They went hiking together, she called him to do things for her while her BH was out of town, etc, etc. I even caught him talking to her and could hear her voice and he told me it was someone else. He had her under a false name on his phone which I knew about. WH was mean to me and the kids. He started running and lost weight and worried more about his appearance. On and on and on. I was clueless. I beat myself up everyday. What if?
We aren't stupid. We are trusting.
obliquestrat (original poster member #42165) posted at 3:54 PM on Monday, February 3rd, 2014
Doing better on this front. Still feel like a schmuck, but not obsessing over it.
RyeBread ( member #37437) posted at 4:01 PM on Monday, February 3rd, 2014
I don't know about that my friend. The way I see it you didn't do anything wrong. The real problem is that your W was willing to make the choices she did even though she is committed to you. Nothing you did or didn't do is the cause of this. If you want to coulda, woulda, shoulda anyone it should be your WW. She coulda, woulda, shoulda, done a lot of things to stop the A but she didn't.
Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates
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