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18 months out here. But I recall feeling exactly how you do AML04. That was about 10 months into this for me..... Wife was slow to do many things your husband is apparently doing. Might have been a factor of my limiting FOO issues, her infatuation with her fAP, combo of the two or something else.

Point is.....you are processing and growing. 18 months out now I am very familiar and almost "comfortable" with this rhythm of processing. Just yesterday we had yet another MC session. Seemed like same advice our old MC gave us...... Honestly express your feelings, seek to understand before being understood, ask these questions to go a bit deeper with intimacy, greet your wife first thing when you come home......so left feeling kind of flat.

Like you, not raging mad.....maybe a bit irritated, but not angry. Perhaps a bit sorry for myself.....a bit aggravated that our latest session basically told us that we need more practice on something we had been practicing for 6 months or more. But, like most treatment and training.....there will be set backs and pauses in progress.

I pray for courage . It takes courage daily to do what we are all trying to do . 18 months out and I still have a sense that my wife will not have the fortitude for this.....it's not passing judgement so much as looking at the facts . Think this is part of your struggle now? Coming to the realization, the full realization of what your husband was not only capable of doing but that he did do it?

If yes.....let me say it does get better. I see in your post a similarity to my journey....so you are on the path to getting better.... Have already seen movement in you towards this goal.

In a 1-10 scale I would say that at 10 months out (which is my 8 month AML04 benchmark) I was at a 9. 1 being my wife fully committed to our M and family.....

Now, at 18 months, I have seen enough fortitude in her for the work that she must do to put that scale mark at a 3......so , like you guys, we ARE growing.

Courage and wisdom.....2 key components of this process.

We gain courage by "doing even when fear is present".

We gain wisdom primarily through "stumbles".

If we don't stumble, we gain very little wisdom.

Without wisdom we stumble harder and more often which, if we let it, could break us and keep us down.....at that point "failure" is a real risk.

"It's not how many times you fall off the horse that matters .....it's that you have the courage to get back on that horse after you fall that counts."

Let's ride!!!!!

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:55 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]

Thank you so much Blakesteele. I think it is really starting to set in that not only did he do this but while it was happening he didn't really feel bad about it either. I was so completely blindsided by this, I never thought he would ever hurt me this bad and I'm having a hard time reconciling that with who I thought he was. Who I thought he was would move heaven and earth to try and fix this, to figure out how he could do it.

I'm beginning to realize that neither of us was who I thought we were. I guess the whole thing just confuses me because there were two distinct parts of his A but at the same time they're not so different because I never factored into his decisions for either.

Thank you again for your perspective. It definitely helps hearing from people that are further out than I am.

I'm here too. Although, because of several additional DDays, and an actual separation which lasted for about a month, I'm back to being at only about 1 month in. But I wouldn't go back to last summer for anything. My husband finally seems to have come out of the fog, he's been remorseful, he's reading books, he's going to IC.

My best friend recently asked me if I felt like he's doing everything he can. And when I really thought about it, I think he is. We're both doing the best we can right now, with what we have. But it's rough. Some days I feel so positive, other days I dwell on everything that is bad - all the memories, the losses, etc.

I would say we are in the "not divorcing" phase, which on some level is comforting. But in some ways I'm so impatient.

But I know we're both growing, we're learning how to communicate better, we're being more present. We've gone through a lot of life events in the last 5 years (death of 2 parents, 3 deployments, etc), more than most couples our age, and it obviously became too much.

I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore :-) It's a rough club to be in...but it does seem like we're all better off than we were 8 months ago.

This...

If we don't stumble, we gain very little wisdom.

(by Blakesteele).... is hard for me to accept. And yet over and over it proves itself to be true. H and I had a brutal weekend with heartache and tears galore. I'm fragile and shaken from it, and yet, I feel stronger too. And I see a growth spurt in his understanding as well.

He came to me the other morning and said that he glanced at a pair of his jeans and was reminded of AP saying they looked "hot" on him, he wanted to throw them out. This morning he told me that he is running low on his old stand-by after shave and he had planned to next use a very expensive one that he ordered from England... but he realized that he bought it during A time and even though he rarely used it, it felt tainted and did I mind if he threw that out too.

They may be small steps, but when I see him taking initiative and telling me his thoughts I feel a little bit safer.

I love this thread.

WI-One of my main issues is I feel we're still not communicating like we should be. We need to be more open about what we're feeling and thinking even if it's painful. I worry we're to go back to our old avoidance coping mechanisms. Hearing all your responses has helped me with this though, knowing it can happen!!

Morhurt-it's very strange but I usually feel better (not necessarily the word I would use but not sure how to describe it) after we have one of those painful, but honest, talks. It's when it's more one-sided that I get really frustrated and feel myself shutting down.

I could have written almost every post. It is comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way.

I have chalked it up stabilizing from emotional aftermath, but have so many hidden fears I feel like I am worse. I am having trouble wanting to discuss the heartache and sadness I feel, because I am just tired of it. So I shove it down, and then blow up!. I know its not the healthy thing to do, but sometimes I just don't have the energy.

I completely relate to being tired. It's emotionally exhausting thinking about this all the time. I try to shut it out but that just makes it worse.

I have actually had friends joke about H being the least likely person they know to have an affair because we are so close. Even the AP seemed to envy our marriage (see where that got me?). We were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but if there is any message I want to be able to give to friends, is that it can happen to almost anyone. It has been very humbling.

I think it is really starting to set in that not only did he do this but while it was happening he didn't really feel bad about it either. I was so completely blindsided by this, I never thought he would ever hurt me this bad and I'm having a hard time reconciling that with who I thought he was. Who I thought he was would move heaven and earth to try and fix this, to figure out how he could do it.

My thoughts articulated. I also love this thread. It's lonely being sad and confused by yourself.

My H said the other day that he was sad, but felt badly talking about it with me because there's no way his sadness can compare to mine. It was very eye-opening for both of us because that was part of what led him to having A--not sharing his feeling and then self-medicating with whore.

Shoving your feelings down is a hard habit to break and I think he is genuinely working on it.

We are reading "Five Love Languages" together and this has been wonderful. We have had great conversations about each chapter. Next we will read, "His Needs, Her Needs" together because we so enjoyed that time reading and learning ways to improve our relationship.

I'm still not ready to renew our vows, which hurts him. I don't think he will contact her. I don't think he will have ever hurt me like this again. What's missing from our marriage? The knowledge that we love each other so much that an affair could never happen---The safety and security and trust of a happy, loving marriage. Gone. We have a happy, loving relationship or we wouldn't be together right now, but the security is gone. My world is not what I thought it was and I'm still trying to make sense and mend the fracture.

Our MC said that the "firsts are coming." First kiss, first time having sex....and that we may very well experience the lowest as it has ever been. I'm trying to enjoy this period of healing before we get there. I'm not comfortable renewing vows and wearing my wedding ring until I feel safer and until we go through "the firsts" together.

I hope we are able to support each other through it all.

My H said the other day that he was sad, but felt badly talking about it with me because there's no way his sadness can compare to mine. It was very eye-opening for both of us because that was part of what led him to having A--not sharing his feeling and then self-medicating...

Shoving your feelings down is a hard habit to break and I think he is genuinely working on it.

I would like to think this is why WH doesn't talk about it much or bring it up. He also told me he gets sad but I never know because he doesn't share it with me. I asked him to read this thread to give him an idea of where my head is at. I thought it might help seeing how many others feel the same way.