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Sorceress, I remember your story.

I know you want to further protect your little girl, but please heed the stories of those who have experienced sexual abuse (themselves or a loved one). I so often hear stories of abuse victims, that they told someone, and then nothing happened. Nobody helped them. In many ways that pain is just as great as the original abuse.

Your daughter is telling you because she needs someone to help her deal with all this. If you don't seek a way to help her, she will always remember that you did nothing. The issue at this point is not contact with her father (although I hope you will ensure that does not happen), but helping her find tools to deal with the fact that this happened to her, so that she will not continue to be victimized by it in her mind for the rest of her life. The TooGood Wife tells that story so eloquently.

Does the school counselor already know about the abuse by her half brother? It sounds like maybe a specialized counselor with expertise in this area may be in order.

Has she had any counseling outside of your school counselor at all (back when she was 2)?

I had to take my DS for a sex-abuse exam at that age. The Ped was very good at speaking to me first (before he confirmed or ruled out abuse) on what roads we would take if he had been abused. He made sure I was assured of the great impacts a good counselor would have to if DS had been touched (he hadn't).

Yuo are dealing with a DD that already had verified abuse at two; did they do anything back then to help her deal with it all?

IDK how it works in the UK, but I would definitely do an appointment with a GP (he can refer to a specialized if needed) and get her into a program with someone who specializes in this.

You can help her now - they are use to dealing with victim's defense tactics (shutting down, anger, etc). Please seek it out for her.

I definitely don't want to rug sweep but I am afraid the authorities will. I had a very bad breakup with him andI feel like he will claim I am being malicious for revenge and they will say "that's plausible and we have no evidence- nothing to proceed with."

I believe her but I am scared that she will not be believed because of the person that he and his family will make me out to be. I was not a victim in their eyes, I was an annoyance and out of order for even speaking out against their golden boy when he hurt me. They are like demons walking this earth, and they live so close.

I want to just grab my kids and my partner and curl up in a cocoon where we can all be warm and safe. This man infects our life with his filth. Always. I just want him to die. And I had a gut feeling, when started thinking about my daughters intense rage outbursts and her other problems- little things she said about "bad secrets" and stuff that always turned out to be something of nothing, almost like she's reconsidered. I put 2 and 2 together, got 4 and got very scared for her. I wanted to ask her very directly, but I waited to be told for certain. I would never prompt an abuse confession, it's inadmissible if you lead them with questions, I know this.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:07 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

And yes, she had a counsellor aged 3.

It was only when we broke up and I went through all his stuff that I realised he had not taken so much as an hour out of his Internet porn and inappropriate chat time every week to take his daughter to counselling while I went out and earnt the money he was too lazy and selfish to provide. Obviously I thought he was caring for the children at home, not neglecting their emotional needs and closing himself in a room with a PC, leaving them alone for hours at a time. Aged 1 and 3. No wonder they used to cling to me so fiercely when I came home.

Sorceress I see you are in the UK. Go see your GP. They will refer you to the appropriate medical authorities. I.M.E the NHS does not take sexual abuse of any sort very lightly especially with children.

I want to just grab my kids and my partner and curl up in a cocoon where we can all be warm and safe.

This may seem like a good option to you right now, but this IS rugsweeping. You won't be warm and safe, your daughter may have been abused and she obviously remembers it. She needs counseling and her abuser needs to be faced.

Who cares that anyone thinks you are hysterical? If anyone harms our children, as mothers (or fathers) we do become hysterical.

I'd rather be called a liar and a nervous Nelly by making sure my child was cared for and her abuses were heard than be concerned about people who don't seem to like me anyway (aka, your ex-inlaws!)

Honestly, who cares what they think?

You and your family need help, support and counseling. Please seek that out.

You may think you are protecting your daughter by not putting her through this now. But later in life she will be angry at you if you don't take steps to get this reported. Her reasoning will be that she told you and you did nothing, because she's too little to understand your fears about what she might go through.

Even if his family tries to convince others that she is lying and you are lying it doesn't matter. What is paramount is that you believed her. If you do nothing with this confession, she's eventually going to think you didn't believe her.

To this day my sister hates my mother. My mother learned my brother was abusing her and she chose to protect him by doing nothing about it.

Of course I won't ignore it. Nor will I simply let it slide. But she only just told me a little bit right now and it still needs to be clear- if I go in all guns blazing and call all the authorities, my extremely emotional daughter may well consider this a consequence of telling me things and will neer do so again. It's scary enough to go through a sex abuse investigation as a parent of a child, absolutely terrifying and I have no illusions that it is much much worse for a child. This is part of my job, which is also why I am hesitant to march straight in, because I have seen how infrequently these sickos actually get prosecuted for the harm they do to innocent little ones. The child is emotionally scarred from the abuse, from the feelings of being betrayed and of betraying by telling, from the pressure and fear generated during the investigation and then by their worst secret being picked over by professionals and then dropped as if they were lying or that what happened to them wasn't really that bad. I know it's a risk I have to take with her and heaven forgive me for wanting to give her a bit of time cuddled up with her mummy before this madness begins.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:09 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

I get that she is in no immediate danger.

1. Who gives a rats a** what your former in-laws think or say - they are irrelevant;

2. Call your GP and explain that you need to have her seen by a pediatrician;

3. You will need help with how to approach her, talk to her, etc. Along the way you need to get her a counselor that she can talk to - someone that knows how to go about this and make sure the child understands that they did nothing wrong and that telling was the right thing to do.

This animal has to be stopped - how many other small children are being abused by him.

If you stay calm and dont get ballistic, she will hopefully follow suit. Explain calmly that it is important that you take her to a doctor so that he can make sure she is ok.

I understand that you are concerned she will think she caused a shit storm, so don't let it be a shit storm, let it be a rational, calm investigation into the matter.

If his family gets wind of it, don't talk to them.

Sorceress, I am a card carrying member of people who can "what if" themselves out of doing something critical to my mental and physical well being. We can tell our own.

Try to quiet the part of your mind that is writing how you think this is going to go. You're not actually going to know until you get there.

You can save your daughter's life, or you can hide. Those are the two paths before you.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Get to that doctor. Get to that counselor. Responses be damned - now is the time to act.

You can do it. You love your daughter too much to trap her in this emotional hell for the rest of her life.

Honey, I'm confident that you will do your very best for your darling little girl. He doesn't have access to her now, and you do have some time to make sure that she's not scarred any further by your reactions. It would be good to get that referral from your GP so that it's ready to go. How about you getting a referral to a sexual abuse IC and going in to talk with that person first, so you can tell them about your daughter, what's happened, her reactions, and get some guidance as how to lead her, as gently as possible, to getting the help that she needs? if you can do this in a calm, matter of fact way, and all of the adults that will be involved with getting her help can do so as well, then perhaps you can make this intervention as low-key as possible. (((hugs)))

She told me much clearer when in an emotional state a few days back and there is no doubt or confusion over what she meant. She was very angry, very upset and very sure. i reported to children's services and the police yesterday and they're coming out to see me and my baby today.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:11 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Just want to send hugs and strength. This is such a terrible situation. I can only imagine what your going through and the thought is horrible.

(((Sorceress)))

(((Sorceress)))

Trust me you have done the right thing for your daughter.

The one person she feels she can trust right now... is you.

She told you and you believed her. Regardless of whatever happens now she will ALWAYS remember that fact. "I told and my mommy was there for me."

I hope the police take this seriously- I feel they will look at this more seriously because he IS a convicted sex offender.

And screw his family if they don't believe you or your DD.

FWIW- you'd have had to be pretty persistent and pretty clued up to 'put an idea' like this into a 6 year old's head so stop worrying they will think that.

It is easy for trained practitioners to see when a child has been groomed to say what an adult wants them to say.

You need to stay calm and focussed as she is going to have to tell this big secret to strangers and she needs to know that never, ever will her confessing this change your love for her.

I am sorry yo are going through this but I am glaad that you have done the right thing by standing side by side with your DD and in calling the authorities.

(((HUGE HUGS to you and your DD)))

Thank you- I am just waiting for a phonecall now that says they have a female officer available to come and speak to my little girl. Because she was so traumatised before, they feel that she needs to be handled very sensitively indeed, and that this cannot take place without me being present. Which is good.

[This message edited by Sorceress at 8:12 AM, February 21st (Friday)]

Sending strength and healing to you and your baby girl.

Stay strong.

PPGA

Thank you for the update. You are doing the right thing for your daughter. Just wanted to add my support and prayers for healing.

I'm waiting in the police station while they interview my baby. She became quite anxious and started babbling and getting quite "high" if you know what I mean- she was clearly nervous and I wonder what they're getting out of her- apparently I couldn't be present because she told me first which makes me a witness.

The best thing you can do is be there for her if any new admissions come to light but try not to push her for information.

Leave her disclosures in the hands of the professionals as they are trained to get as much information out of her as they can.

She might be clingy when she comes out so you need to hug her lots and be there for her BUT try to maintain a routine if you have one.

She has enough on her plate without her routine being altered too (she might want to start sleeping in your bed for instance etc or not want to go to bed at a set time etc)

You are her rock and her ally and your feeling of helplessness and upset will soon turn to anger and thoughts of revenge but you need to try nd stay as calm as possible.

If needs be you might even need some IC to held you with her disclosure.

ETA: I am not trying to teach you or them how to suck eggs btw. It's just that helping sexual abuse survivors and thrivers as well as dealing with perpetrators of it used to be my profession... but it burned me out.

I always try to offer what limited knowledge I have if I feel it will help.

I'm thinking of you and standing with you!

I can't imagine how terrifying this is for both of you.

Be strong.

(((Hugs)))