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I realize it is NOT healthy if the motives are not sincere or honest....if the motives are pure, meaning you genuinely WANT to be a real part of the experience for self- less reasons (rather than self-ish reasons) you allow true mature intimacy to grow??????

blake, I found one note between them where he offered to contact a family member for her who was high up in family services as her ex was (apparently) making some threats/demands. I then saw the note to that family member where my H is asking if AP could contact him. Of course the family member had no idea the nature of their relationship and agreed to speak with her. So...I imagined my H swooping in to save the day - KISA! I then recalled a convo between family member and H on a summer day when he was casually asked how his friend was doing - you know that one who was having trouble with her H? I asked him later on in the day what that was about and he just kind of blew it off, "oh, just a work friend who needed some help."

When he read that note again after I saw it, he said he was ashamed for getting a fam member involved.

On another note....it still amazes me how there was so much going on in his A-world and I hadn't a clue - just seemed like an innocent convo on a summer's day to me.

[This message edited by LA44 at 10:53 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

The roles are defined more by the role-player's internal dialogs, thoughts, and feelings than by behavior. The same transaction can be in or out of the DT. Some examples from true life.

Yesterday, the clothes drier cycle was complete when my W said she was going downstairs to mail a letter. I was reading and asked her to pick up the laundry, since she was going to be close to the laundry room. (We live in an apartment building, and I do most of the laundry.)

I could have whined about being tired, hoping she'd get the laundry because I hooked her Rescuer by acting the Victim. I could have said something about having done the dishes and cooking, hoping to hook her Victim by being a Persecutor. Instead, I made a simple request she was free to accept or reject.

She could have taken my request as burdensome but felt she had no choice but to agree (Victim). She could have seen it as an attempt by me to dump my task onto her and gotten angry (gone into Persecutor). She could have seen herself as doing something that I really couldn't do for myself (Rescuer). Instead, she saw it as the simple request I meant it to be.

If I had hooked her R or V, she would have resented me, and I would have not respected her very much.

I hope this is at least somewhat clear....

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:15 PM, February 7th (Friday)]

I hope this is at least somewhat clear....

Very much so!

Thanks Sisoon. It's clear....but I will read it a few more times just to be sure I got it. I am a slow learner!

LA - remember the anniversary gift fiasco I had with hubby? He got his secretary something that day but not me. I mentioned how hurt I was (I cried) but then said "let's just move on." but he threw a fit for the rest of the night - put himself in victim mode. Had he apologized for screwing up and we just went on with our dinner we wouldn't have been in that dynamic.

that was why I was SO ANGRY and that he lost me that night. Because after two years of therapy, he still didn't get it - not the gift part - the victim part.

I'm sure I've done this in the past to him as well.