Did not have a double betrayal-----OW & I have never officially met (altho she has met our daughter), altho I have seen her from a distance while spying.
I too struggle with how much mental space OW takes up------we are 2 3/4 years out & I still think of her every day with hatred.
I know that one reason I have not been able to move on quicker is because she still works in the same building with WH. Every morning when he leaves for work I wonder if he will run into her today. I want to trust him, but if I don't know what he is doing during his lunch hour, or if he is a little late coming home, I get suspicious.
I have often thought how much different it would be if she was far away, out of our daily lives.
The only idea that seems to help a little is :
"NC means NC, by both WS and BS. " Thinking about her is, in a way, a sort of contact.
I do have to admit, tho, that she has become less & less important.
I felt tremendous pressure to take WH back to keep the family together for the kids, & so I am sure I transferred some of my anger from him to her, since I was trying to R with him.
More and more, as time passes, I see that she is not important. What is important is what is going on/has gone on between WH & I.
Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be