SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dysfunctional people are attracted to other dysfunctional people (that is not to say YOU are dysfunctional but your BS is and maybe in your marriage the dysfunction is magnified by communication style or something - I am citing the case for mine, anyway). They put the "bat signal" out, so to speak. You may have been approached but you have healthy boundaries and probably did not pick up on the signs.

ETA - On the lines of someone else's response in this thread…I used to think it was harmless to joke around with married guys. Now I realize how easy it is to cross the line. I confided in one married man I worked with on a project shortly after DD. He told me his experience with a girlfriend who cheated on him and how he's never gotten over it. Subsequently, that has changed how I interact with him. I never want to be alone with him or get a ride with him - not that he or I would ever try. I just know it's easy to cross the line. I always avoid the appearance of wrong doing….that is my motto.

[This message edited by womaninflux at 4:52 PM, February 25th (Tuesday)]

I agree with the main thought; i.e. about affair opportunities. But I often wonder about it in the more literal sense.

I mean, affairs take so much planning, worrying, schedule coordination, etc., I just don't understand why someone would ever take on that much extra work. Frankly, it seems exhausting. I barely have the mental capacity to keep my work schedule and my son's school schedule straight, I cannot possibly imagine trying to squeeze in time for another person in there.

I have very strong boundaries. When someone is more than just casually friendly or seems to be approaching at functions too much, I am immediately disinterested and move away to a different group of people there.

Example:

Last week at a school fundraiser at a restaurant, the 13yo wanted her friend and her friend's father to join us at our table. Just the happy four of us. I tried to just ignore her, and distract her- but then she announced that he was fine with sitting with us. Well...no. He's very friendly and a nice guy but how does that even look to the other parents there? And since F10 and I have agreed he has a boundary about doing the same, I should too. I have no idea if this friend's father has a "reputation" or not. Doesn't matter. So I told her that she could pile her friends in at the table but that I was saving a seat for someone who I thought might come (no one was) and that friend's father needed to sit with one of the other dads there, which he did. He came by the table to talk with his daughter and was gregarious, and even more so when I went to pick up 13yo at their house a few days later after she attended a sleep over. I didn't get out of the car. But he came out to hang out while the girls gathered stuff up. This is probably all just innocent friendliness on his part- but it doesn't matter. I'm nice but distant. He's not asking me out for coffee or lunch alone as sometimes happens to me. At this point, I'm sure that if he was going in that direction, it's shut down. My radar goes up on this kind of stuff because it's happened often enough to me to cause me to evaluate critically.

Frankly, it seems exhausting

It makes me think the WS doesn't put much effort into the marriage or committed relationship. DH keeps me busy. Add that to a job, keeping a house, chasing animals around the house, crazy parents and it gets tiring. I joke that I don't do affairs because it's exhausting. There is truth to it though. Who wants that extra shit to deal with?

My sisters ex SIL could and would pick up men any place. She's not much to look at and the guys are no prize either but I watched her in action out of curiosity. All it took was a look and the men were tripping.over each other to get to her. I used to ask if she sent out a scent like a dog in heat because I couldnt figure it out, til.I saw it. Then again, she's not selective and neither were they.

It is what they make it. They flash the sign (I am pretending I am single) and act inappropriate. They wear their availability on their shoulders with a big broken easy sign.

We are not. We show confidence and allude to it. We are intimidating in our security and don't have that open sign coming from us. We don't behave in ways that present us as single.

I have wondered the same thing.

I had a friend who would not allow her husband to go to a bar. She didn't go either. Because, the only reason to go to a bar is to get laid. Funny thing is I've been to a bar. I've even gone alone and not only didn't I get laid, I didn't even get hit on.

I didn't see that there was only one conclusion to be made. I believe my WH found OW at the convenience store. A co-worker made a comment about him being there every morning when she was on the way to work. OW was cashiering.

I've been wondering this for months now. I actually deeply, truly don't understand how this happens. Where are these "signals" everyone's talking about? I read people fairly well, I think, but clearly not about this? Am I just blind, or do I just not give off "the vibe"? What the hell is "the vibe"?

I'm reasonably attractive, 30, thin, and I go out to plenty of bars (well, I did pre-A anyway). I have tons of guy friends (and girl friends), none of which has EVER, EVER made a move on me, not once since I've been married. Not even serious flirty talk. Is it just that I'm choosing my friends because they're good people, and WH was choosing them based on wanting to eventually jump into bed?

I mean, I get how the once-a-year ONS happens (logistically speaking), but every WEEK? I mean, really?

The only guys that ever blatantly hit on me are so drunk, they're literally drooling on themselves, in which case - gross! - and I walk away. Or maybe those are the only ones I notice. But really, I just can't imagine taking home a new dude each week. I wouldn't even know where to start.

And then I find out that WH has been with dozens of other people, hitting on dozens more, sometimes asking multiple women a night to go home, and succeeding plenty. I mean, really? How do you even do that? I know some of the people he tried to sleep with, and I can't even imagine FLIRTING with those people - mousey, average, boring types. We're not taking a series of pushy sex vixens here. I cannot picture how the flirting process started. Like, at all. Those people don't give off a "vibe" to me.

I said something about this early on to WH and he said, "You have this square-shoulder thing you do. It's intimidating."

Yeah, they're called "boundaries", and also "standards".

[This message edited by Thessalian at 3:04 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

I have often wondered how all these shenanigans get started. From reading these posts and taking to others, it seems so common. Yet, I have never been approached or even felt an opportunity to engage in such behavior. I am an attractive, outgoing blonde who looks younger than my age... So I am told. But never has the opportunity presented itself, or has any man propositioned me.

Why is that?? How do these things happen?

dude, you described exactly how I feel!!!

I've never had the opportunity for an affair either... I don't get it..

[This message edited by lovehatelove at 3:22 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

I used to wonder that same thing. I also believe that I am above average in the looks department, especially for my age. Yet there is only one time in my life, when I was married, that a man truly "hit on" me (according to my own definition of being hit on, I have to add). That was my sister's husband on my 25th birthday. I told him I would not sleep with him if he was the last man on earth and he has not bothered me since.

I have always been amazed at the number of women, even some on this forum, who say they get hit on all the time, often in the grocey store with several kids with them, or sometimes even when pregnant! I am thinking that others just perceive things different than I do.

For example, there is this woman who currently works with my H. I think she has got a very stong message from my H she had best not "flirt" with him but I know she is "that type."

Recently she put on FB that she was "hit on" in the grocery story. And she added that the guy's "pick up line" was to ask what kind of oil she preferred for frying.

Ummm, I'm sure if a guy asked me that, I'd assume he actually wanted advice on oil to fry it. Is that not possible? It also could mean he was testing the waters to see if she wanted more conversation, or wanted to flirt or whatever, but there is no way I see such an incident as "being hit on."

For me, I haven't had any. For the most part, I have worked just with guys. BUT, they have all been 15+ years older then I am. (Some are older then my parents.) But I have strong boundaries. And to be honest, too busy. Three kids, working full time, I don't have the energy for anything else.

For fWH, he worked with AP. They worked 10 hour shifts and had various days off during the week. That is when the affair happened.

A single PM on Facebook to or from someone could easily start an EA which could lead to a PA. Or it could be a text message on your phone or a number of other ways. The main thing is a strong sense of right and wrong and good (normal) boundaries.

Online offers many opportunities for cheating. My fWH perused craigslist for married women advertising they are looking for "discrete mature hookups". He found a willing M whore witin 2 weeks and said he spent little time trying. He never had to set up an ad.

They met at a grocery store and parking lot to look each other over and talk terms. The whore invited him to her family apartment where her children and husband lived and at that point she still only knew his fake screen name. And this was after the "craigslist killer" fiasco.

I researched craigslist casual encounters and was repulsed by what is out there. Its sick sick sick vile and disgusting stuff. From the pictures I saw looks weren't important just a willingness to spread their legs or go down on their knees. I wish I could sue Craigslist for damages for what they helped my fWH and the whore do to me and for the stds the whore gave to us. Id like to see them and other sites like this go out of business.

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:02 AM, February 26th (Wednesday)]

Yeah, I don't know. When I saw the subject line, I thought, I agree, I'm no model but I'm not a dog, and I've never had any opportunities. But then I stopped to think about it, and yeah, there have been times that if I had responded in a certain way, it could have gone down that road. In my younger days, I DID have an emotional affair, and it was not my intention, at ALL. As I got older, I guess I just instinctively shied away from those "opportunities."

There's a guy here at work who's a boundary-pusher. I guess one of my female friends who knew about the almost-divorce told him about it and he started pushing some boundaries with me a while back. At first I denied to myself that was what was going on, but it was pretty obvious when I stopped to think about it. I've had to almost be rude to him, I don't want him to overshare with me, I don't want to know about his ex-wife, I don't want to talk to him about the current (or past) status of my marriage. That's how trouble starts.

Ummm, I'm sure if a guy asked me that, I'd assume he actually wanted advice on oil to fry it. Is that not possible?

Yeah this. I don't assume every time a man I don't know speaks to me that he's hitting on me.

I find that I am super sensitive to all this now. The other night at my son's basketball practice a father was there bitching about his wife to another woman with a child on the team.

It grossed me out. Maybe he was just complaining and as inappropriate as that is, it may have been all it was. But maybe, just maybe he was hoping to garner some sympathy and strike up an ongoing conversation with her. It made me wonder if bitching about his wife would be their common thread and they would be seeing each other at every practice and at all the games...

He's a creep now in my mind. Can't see him any other way.

I agree with Stillstings. I was invested emotionally and physically in keeping the old M going. Working full time, cleaning, shopping, cooking, laundry, etc. Maintaining a house and cottage is challenging. I continued this labor after retirement. It was exhausting trying to meet my own arbitrary high standards.

My H's energy was invested in sitting all day on the computer looking at political and (mostly) porn sites. The opportunity to cheat was obvious to him.

I had a store for 20 years in a rough area, right near a hooker motel, and the hookers would walk past me and my store throughout those years, and I was never propositioned until the last week before I closed up my store for good.

I was locking the front door and felt a tap on my shoulder and this gal asked me "Do you want a date?" I said "No, but THANK YOU for asking!".

I thought I was chopped liver but know......I'm really pate.

I have noticed a few things:

First- guys rarely hit on me. Not because I am not attractive, or nice, or “worth” being hit on. But I have been told by many people that I present myself as unavailable. I don’t flirt, I don’t go out to the bar alone- I go with friends. And I talk to my friends, not sit up at the bar flirting with the guy next to me. I am very social, but I don’t give off an “available” vibe because I am not looking for that, open to anything- I am married. But I am sure you have been out and seen others- women and men- who present themselves as available. Try it. Next time you are out, look around the room. If you were to go hit on someone, who would it be? Why? More times than not, the people we are drawn to hit on are ones who present themselves as people who are open to that.

All that aside- opportunities are all around us all the time. Do you work in an office and have a male coworker? Ever stay late? Come in early? Those are potential opportunities that some use to flirt, and build a relationship, and ultimately start an affair. Do you stay at home? Maybe there is a neighbor man who works from home in the area. Go to the gym? The grocery store? Go out to the bar with friends? So many people use these simple things as avenues to start affairs- mostly because they are looking for one. Sometimes it is almost subconscious- they don’t necessarily go to the store or the gym and actively SEEK affair partners, but if there is someone flirty, or someone smiles at them or strikes up a conversation, the WS jumps on that train right away instead of nodding and getting back to their workout or shopping or whatever it is.

And then, of course, there are those who are ACTIVELY seeking affairs- not just the opportunity arises naturally, but they make opportunities happen by looking online, perusing bars, and actually being the initiator.

When I look at things that way- gosh. I have had plenty of opportunity to start an affair. I used to sit by a male coworker. I go out with friends sometimes. Although it is not very common, I have been hit on while married. The thing is, nothing ever happened because I didn’t even consider that as an option.

To those of you who don't get what the vibes are I will give you some good examples.

Example 1 - in my line of work we had to wear a uniform. A co worker of mine would constantly tell me that he would love to see me in his bed with only his uniform shirt on. Or he would say that he would love to see me standing in front of his bed with his uniform shirt on wearing a black thong. He was also always asking me if he could come over at night (when h worked) so we could go over work realted issues.

Example 2 - After h's a two of his very good friends would call me to console me. Hah, in every conversation with me one of the guys would say things like, "you really need to let me come over when he is at work to help you relax a little." Or he would say, "what if I come over when he is at work so you and I can really do whatever needs to be done to take care of your stress."

Example 3 - I was at the market one day buying stuff. H's other friend called me to see how I was. I told him I was at the market and the first thing he said was, "well don't bother getting any cheese." When I asked why he simply said, "because I have some really good cheese for you that your will love and it is very easy to swallow. You just have to come over and get it."

These are the opportunites that I speak of. These comments, questions, statements, were nothing more than sexual advances. Probably the same type of advances our whore neighbor threw at my h and him at her at the onset of their a. The difference between him and I was that I valued him and our marriage and chose to honor our vows. H on the other hand chose bi-weekly blow jobs.