SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How long has AP been married? Is there a chance his wife will leave him? If not, do you think he may need to find another place of employment, as I mentioned previously?I'm just wondering really about the length of their relationship and if they have kids. How easy would it be for her to leave?

I'm not sure how she will react and have mostly tried not to think about it since I shouldn't care anymore... but since you asked...

She's a foreign bride, he met her while visiting extended family there, I believe she has a greencard but not a citizen. She stays home with their two kids, though he has been pressuring her to go back to work (idk why, didn't pursue that topic, seemed like meddling to discuss it with him). They sold their previous condo and are living in a rental right now while home shopping. This is one of the factors that made me feel guilty, reading posts here where the BS wished they'd known the truth before making certain decisions that would make it harder to leave.

A mutual friend who knows all that's gone on believes she will leave him in an instant, that their marriage has a lot of conflict rather than emotional intimacy and that their culture would see staying as shameful. Knowing him, I don't see him being capable of what is prescribed for R- he has controlling tendencies and likes to be right (mitigated between us by the fact that he somehow convinced himself I'm smarter than him, lol!). He has also lied to her about many things before / unrelated to the affair, and he resents being limited or told what to do. I do think he controls all financial decisions and would tell her he can't find another job, if he wants to stay on for whatever reason.

Personally I can see it going either way, and can see there's a lot of mess that won't be resolved overnight regardless. So I figure either way I don't want to be involved in the aftermath until/ unless he's cleanly separated from her. He was married once before, and divorced within a few years with no kids, but I know it weighs on him that he's on his second marriage already.

The affair lasted for a year and a half, including several months when his wife went abroad and he spent a lot of time with me - this wasn't some meaningless fling (that would have been much easier to resist!).

Gently, I disagree.

He was a MM, for a year and a half he lied to you. If he was serious about you in any way he would have left his wife before anything happened between the two of you. The reality is, he was cake eating. He wanted his marriage and you on the side, the best of both worlds. Any feelings he had for you in those 18 months were not real. They were all part of the fantasy of the affair.

For your own sake, you need to let this guy go. He may be in your office but it is not beyond you to behave in a professional manner. Disengage from him and become indifferent.

I used to travel a lot for work and that neither made myself nor DH single or not married. He didn't get to have a fling while staying in state and neither did I half way across the country.

Word of advice. Don't shit where you eat. Workplace cheating is so messy it isn't worth it. Especially when everyone else knows.

. This is the first time I've been involved with a married man, and I don't want to get involved with another one!!

If I am not mistaken, in a previous post you said you have been the OW to "taken" men before.

I think that your claim to enjoy being a "slut" is bullshit. I think many women convince themselves that they are fun and free and easy and sex is just sex. Free spirits!

That's fine and good. But eventually you may tire of being not taken seriously, not having a real R, always being the ONS but never the girlfriend, being the OW, the mistress, the joke.

I guess I am worried that you feel like this is the way to feel valued or to get attention. You have admitted to a pattern of behavior that suggests a lack of confidence...and perhaps you deliberately go overboard with men to prove yourself.

So I guess I would ask you to really think about your behavior and how you act towards men, and are you truly ok with that?

Even if you are truly OK with your behavior now, you may change your mind later.

I would caution you about these men in your office. If you present yourself as easy, they will see you like that.

You are smart, you are an engineer. Don't you want to be respected at work?

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 6:58 AM, March 3rd (Monday)]