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knightsbff ( member #36853) posted at 12:14 AM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
I do not deserve forgiveness - to me that would be saying that it is OK that I had an A.
I disagree. I believe you DO deserve forgiveness.
I don't think forgiveness is saying the act your forgiving is ok at all. If that were true no one should ever forgive anything.
I think self forgiveness involves accepting what you did as a series of horrible choices. Accepting how truly wrong it was. Seeing yourself as a flawed and weak human being who made those choices and is full of sorrow for the wrong she did and the harm she caused to all. Forgiveness is accepting all that and then loving yourself enough to do the work to heal the broken and wrong parts in yourself. Forgiveness is giving yourself the gift of R with yourself. Believing and trusting yourself to do the work become a better person so that you will never betray yourself on anyone else in that way again.
In a nutshell forgiveness is acceptance, remorse, then giving yourself another chance to be the person you wish you would have been in the first place...or even better.
fWW 40s, BH 40s
D-day 27 Aug 2012. Kids 25, 17, 13. 2 dogs.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
NoGoodUsername ( member #40181) posted at 12:49 AM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
No, but I'm working on it.
It's not enough to be forgiven, one has to be worthy of forgiveness. Repentance, apologies and restitution, healing and growing, these are all part of what I have to embrace to be worthy of forgiveness. I'm working on it. I believe that it will happen, but I sincerely believe that real forgiveness has to be earned, so I'm doing the work.
Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."
MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 3:16 AM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
I do not deserve forgiveness - to me that would be saying that it is OK that I had an A.
Totally disagree.
44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....
scream ( member #36506) posted at 3:28 AM on Thursday, March 6th, 2014
Saw the title. Haven't read any posts on this yet. Wanted to respond first. Its been almost 2 years since I got caught. And that's the fact. Caught. Lied and lied and lied. Anything to not make it real. And when it finally was it was like I ran my wife over with a semi. Her eyes, her face, the feelings she was having and sometimes still has on a daily basis. I will never forgive myself for. I don't try to.
I don't expect her to either. Don't think for me its possible. I try everyday to just be a better man. A better father and a better husband. Do I deserve forgiveness? I don't know. All I do know is I don't deserve this chance to make it right but I have it and I won't let go.
Actionsoverwords ( member #41949) posted at 12:34 AM on Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
WH here.
No and I can't. I feel that if I do, it's granting permission to myself to hurt my wife all over again. I own my actions and every time I look at my BW and see the happiness that was once there gone, I die a bit more.
I doubt that I can ever forgive myself, but I can change and try to fix me and in turn, fix us.
Fallen ( member #4313) posted at 3:55 AM on Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
We're ten years out and we are happy and reconciled. Celebrating our 30th anniversary this year.
What I did is unforgivable, but who I am is not unforgivable. I have forgiven myself for being the broken, selfish person I was. That's enough.
[This message edited by Fallen at 9:56 PM, March 11th (Tuesday)]
You can't heal what you won't feel.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 4:26 AM on Wednesday, March 12th, 2014
FALLEN!!!
ok....now that I just yelled that...
(((((Fallen))))) 
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
cinnamongurl ( member #37879) posted at 5:52 AM on Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
I feel forgiveness is a multilayered process. I'm chipping away at it a little at a time. For me, I have so much more than the As to forgive myself for. My IC and I have been dissecting my life, how and why I chose to act that way, and how and what steps I am/can take to accept, change, and ultimately forgive that decision, and that part of myself.
When I look at forgiveness as a single action, then I feel defeated, ashamed, and incapable of forgiving myself, but when I break it down and begin to understand how much I have changed that one aspect, I can begin to forgive and heal.
Me:FWS 42 He: FBS 43 and my heart
Together 22 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos
CG
Joanh ( member #39146) posted at 12:18 AM on Friday, March 21st, 2014
The reason I don't think I will, is simple, For now my forgiving others and myself has been incorrect, been too easy, been to simple. No one has made amends , nor I to myself. I have allways allowed "people and myself off the hook" cause you know, they have a hard life. Well
right now I am kinda more like how my husband thinks, Everyone has a choice.
And I chose to cheat not once and correct myself, but twice. I chose that. Did I do it to hurt my BH no did I do it to hurt myself yes.
So not only can I not forgive myself for the pain |I caused my \BH, and I've made others make up for it when they have hurt my husband or children. I can no longer allow those or myself off so easy anymore. It has been more harmful being a forgiving person than making people or myself earn my forgiveness.
I have let people off that have harmed me. Not so much now. So to let myself off easy for the pain I have inflicted on my husband, well, maybe someday. I changed him, I changed myself.
BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....
devasted30 ( member #39439) posted at 4:57 PM on Saturday, March 22nd, 2014
WS ONLY
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:21 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
BlankPage ( new member #41985) posted at 1:11 AM on Sunday, March 23rd, 2014
No and I never will. I'm just trying to figure out a way to live with it. I didn't just cheat on my wife. I cheated my kids. Lied to my family. Lied even after I was cornered. And was pretty much a despicable person all the way around.
But, worst of all, I disregarded my own beliefs, values, and pretty much everything I stood for. I cheated myself. I was lost. And unbelievably weak. The people in my life deserve better. And I can be that person.
But, I know myself all too well. There will always be a broken little place inside full of self-loathing and hatred for the part of me that was capable of those decisions...repeatedly.
I wish that wasn't the case, but I don't have the capacity/intelligence to do otherwise.
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