SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry you are seeing things more clearly and that its painful. Good for you for setting boundaries by letting him know what you were feelings and that financing him was not acceptable.

(((Cayc)))

I know it hurts, but he sounds very manipulative. Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

It sounds like you're very generous and patient, yet he throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way.

The tantrums are a way to manipulate and control you. You push back, he blows up, you feel bad, then he starts getting what he wants. It's a pattern.

Block him from everything so you're not tempted to get hooked back in. NC him.

He's an expert abuser and he is pushing all your buttons.

If you continue to communicate with him or give him one penny more, you'll experience nothing but the same, over and over again.

The choice is yours to make. For your own sanity I hope you make the right one.

Why on earth would you settle for this?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:47 AM, March 6th (Thursday)]

I hate to say this cayc, but you shouldn't have sent that message. I understand why you did, it's hard to end things on an abrupt note without getting your say, but you still shouldn't have. Your gut feeling when he asked for money again told you everything you needed to know.

Please try to learn from my mistakes. I dated someone very much like this guy for a little over three years. He was and still is one of the nicest people you will ever meet. It was what made him good at using people for money. It was always about just this one time, or we can partners if you put up the cash and I'll do the work. It's funny, but I started to notice what he was doing to other people financially before I noticed what he was doing to me.

By the time I ended it I had $10,000 in additional debt. I never actually handed him any cash. For instance he'd tell me he was taking me out on his houseboat on Saturday and ask what I was going to feed us on the boat. After I we'd decide he'd tell me about the other 6 people he invited too. I'd feed them all. This kind of thing went on routinely. Because I was having a good time, and I felt privileged to be on his boat, I didn't really think about it. It turns out he didn't really own the boat. That was another no money from him "partnership" deal.

Please spare yourself the financial burden you will almost certain incur if you continue this relationship. He reaction to your refusal of the money speaks volumes. His wanted to make you feel cheap and superficial because he knows that's how he can keep you roped in.

I would never have the audacity to ask someone for money like that. Then, when turned down, lash out viciously? Seriously? Talk about screaming red flags!

Since I've sent that text, the FB friend request disappeared and there are 9 new ugly-grams which I haven't bothered reading.

I learned an expensive lesson but I've learned it. I reall have no feeling about this right now. I'm just stunned and numb.

I believe you have dodged a huge bullet. In fact, a freaking grenade!

My mother always told me that if a man asks to borrow money from a woman, he's a bum and don't waste your time.

I used to brush it off and told her times are different now (she's 83).

After some hard lessons, I have found Mom was most definitely right.

I know it hurts, but please cut off all communication with this guy. You deserve sooo much better. In the long run, you'll look back and see it with a different set of eyes.

If you continue with this guy, you will become a piggy bank, care-taker, a mother. HE WILL NOT CHANGE!!

Good luck to you. Stay strong!

(((cayc)))I have nothing to add, you've received some good advice here. Be strong. Stay the course.

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

^^^This is an interesting thought. I don't know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And I third the motion that there IS someone out there for you that will treat you how you deserve. You just gotta be brave enough to let go.

(((cayc))))

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?

But you did and I realize now who you really are and not someone who I want to be with.

Definitely this....

((cayc)) you are a good person with a large heart who is also going through a difficult time right now which makes you more susceptible to manipulators like this.

I'm having a difficult time in some ways myself lately.

I'm going to say something you already know. You. Deserve. Much. Better.

I'm sorry he's acting like this, but I agree that it's better now than later. He really is showing you who he is. Dump the chump and don't look back. ((cayc))

You definitely deserve so much better.

I also have to add: At our age, who does this kind of shit over facebook? Be a man if you've been an ass and want to apologize - don't sent me a fucking friend request.

I just broke down in tears. And crying I told him that I loved him but I felt our relationship had become solely about money & his health.

Ok, so I really want to point out that you say this, but then earlier in the post you basically say that you need him to be done with CS and surgery because then he won't be such a leach on you.

Hon, you made it about money from the moment you were not ok with being the bread winner.

As far as him, he showed you who he was more then was necessary to tell you what you needed to know about him.

* I have a boundary which is really important to me

and

* Hey, you're violating my boundary really hard; I don't want a relationship focused on this violation

seem logically consistent, to me. Having the boundary does not automatically focus the relationship on the boundary.

Does it seem odd to you that his reaction was disproportionate to the subject of the conversation?

^^^This is an interesting thought. I don't know what it means, but I agree. His reaction was swift and cruel for no reason.

And this is why I'm stunned. And remain so. I'm still just numb in my reaction. It made no sense whatsoever. This is the one thing I'm turning over in my head. What's this about really? My best guess so far is that he's is ashamed of his situation and instead of doing something about it, he's lashing out at me. So that's where some of the over reaction is coming from, but it still doesn't account for the scorched earth policy.

He's still texting, it's up to 12 today alone. I'm still not reading them. What's the point? I guess the only good thing is that I'm not thinking what do I need to do to fix things, or what should I say, or really anything. It seems I am stronger today without even knowing it. I guess it crept up on me :)

(@undefinbl3, go back and re-read my opening post. You seem to have misunderstood.)

cayc, this is a teeny bit off topic, but do you have an emergency fund?

Shockingly I do. With the exception of the chunk of change I gave this idiot, I've been responsible since the D. I'm ok. Not great. Not buy a plane ticket to the SI G2G next week room for maneuver. But ok in so far as I can meet my monthly obligations and eat without incurring more debt.

he is ashamed of his situation

Nah. He was pissed off because you didn't give him money.

I vote mental illness. It's been brought up about him before.

Good for you for recognizing this for what it is, for not internalizing it, for not blaming yourself, for not reading his vitriol (can you let someone else read them and delete without you seeing?). That's huge growth and progress, and I hope you see that and take pride in yourself for handling this well.

And finally, huge ((((hugs))))

It made no sense whatsoever.

Kind of like my Dday - it never fucking will because it isn't logical - it's crazy shit - and you don't need it in your life - ever again.

((cayc))

Please block this guy from all avenues.

The unfriending on FB...and the texts.....are all part of the game. Once you didn't respond, then he sends a friend's request (ooohhhh - lucky you....)

When you did not reply favorably (in his opinion), he pulls the request back and starts the ambush of texts again.

Please disengage from him (block his number, FB, etc). He is playing games - you deserve better.

hugs!!!