SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I thought that I'd posted something a little earlier but I guess I lost it. What I wanted to say is in a couple of weeks will be a year since my h had an ea. Almost a year and I'm just saying it kinda aloud I haven't spoken a word about it to anyone. I love my h and I'm totally hurt lost and just devastated was not on my h but my bf. He says it was emotional so he hasn't done anything and we should be getting (I) over it. But how when I've not said the words to a living soul. I may or may not come back to this site it was a Godsend for today I was drowning. I'm a very very private person and for me to do this is a little daunting. But I really and sincerely thank you all for a vehicle for me to be able to released that poison that I had kept inside of me for nearly a year while walking around family and friends pretending that I'm not dying inside. Thanks again you don't know ho much I needed this and you guys tonight. Just the thought that my pain is understood gives me the strength to put one foot in front of the other for one more day.

Prester, I'm so sorry you have to be here.

Your WW working with the OM is going to kill you. My H was able to go fairly NC at work with the MCOW, strictly business on email only, very rare sightings. And it still just about did me in. I read every email between them after NC -- every time I saw her name it was like a knife in my heart, even if it was a completely business like and brief exchange about scheduling. Every time he went to work I felt sad and anxious. Even when I knew she was on vacation.

She arranged to work from home a lot, got a schedule at the office that barely overlapped with my H's, and my H made sure that he was not on any teams or committees she was on. Not until she finally got another job several hours away and *moved* did I finally feel the knife pull out.

If she had not been able to leave, I think we would have D. My H did not want to leave his job; not easy for him to find another and his current job pays well and has huge job security (tenure) and good benefits, and frankly I did not want to have to move either. I like it here, I have a rewarding and meaningful job, I have a wonderful supportive community, our DS's oncology team is here. Lots of reasons. Fortunately I did not have to push him to look for another job -- I knew she was looking for another job and was willing to wait it out, as long as it didn't take too long (took a bit under a year -- that was my limit, in fact).

Your WW may find it hard or impossible to get another job as good as this one, or to get one in this same field. Is she willing to take a lesser job, or one in a different field? Is she willing to do something different at her current place of employment, something that will take her out of the AP's orbit? Is she willing to even start looking?

Thinking back on it, I feel I gave my H too big a pass on this one. I will always know that he at least initially was not willing to choose me and our child over his job -- that's always going to be between us. It's one of the things that makes it hard for me to trust him with my heart.

Give yourself some time to think about what you want to do, but I would also ask your wife to state just what *she* is willing to do to start earning your trust back and to demonstrate that she is serious about being married.

Be kind to yourself, Prester. And it's ok to change your mind, and even to be too nice, for awhile. Do what you have to do to get yourself through, and to be true to yourself. Take care.

The fact your wife said they work together well on a team tells me she is deep in the fog of the affair, and that is not good.

It shows me that she has no idea of the seriousness of what she has done.

She needs to understand the extreme magnitude of the wrongful actions she has done and come to grips with it. And that starts with even acknowledging she even did wrong and the the why she did it.

Quitting her job does not always mean the affair ends. In my case, I made my fWW quit her job and it did not stop the affair right away. It just hurt us economically.

You can make life miserable for this OM. And you can make them even having an affair impossible.

But that will get old after a while unless your wife shows some understanding that the things she has done and even said to you are as wrong as wrong can be.

I must agree with the others here. WW cannot work with her AP. That is the primary reason your here to begin with. That is non-negotiable.

Never tell the OM what you're about to do. Never reveal your sources. Are you really sure the woman you talked to IS his wife?

It seems to me it's high time for some serious consequences. At some point, after all the shock and disbelief wears off, we all have to make a decision if we want to salvage what left of a real marriage, or keep playing Let's Make A Deal.

All I will say it that the biggest thing I regret is that I didn't kick my WW to the curb for a least a few weeks right off the bat.

I just read an angry rant about WS. It made me feel like the things Im feeling dont make me broken. I cried for the first time since I found out 5 days ago.

5 days is a short time to have much perspective on everything getting thrown at you. It will be some time before you can sort out all the details, take some time to figure out which ones are true and which are just covering up and made up excuses.

From experience of all here, assume there will be lies and half-truths.

You will be second guessing yourself a lot, so take your time and get a little space. Figure out what YOU require in a marriage. If she can't meet or at least try to meet those requirements, well, maybe you should take a hard look a new future.

I am sorry, but I just have to commiserate with you on your wife's choice in APs. You know, they always affair down, right? I mean, a pot smoking dude with a shoe fetish?

^^This^^ I know right?!?!?

How are you doing, Prester?