SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Divorce isn't an option for me.

Since she knows it will all come out she's going through what she lied about now.

Did you send exchange pics?

Then: no

Now: he sent me one I sent him several

Did you tell say I love you to him? (I've already known she told him "part of me will always love you and I just want you to love me."

Then: No but he said it to me?

Now: When he said it I said 'I love you too, but I didn't mean it."

Did you talk to him about me or our relationship?

then: no, of course not.

Now: I told him I was no better then a prostitute if I stayed with you for money.

What's insane about it is none of these change my prospective of what happened. The fact that she lied about it until she was on the verge of getting caught however does change my prospective.

Why is D not an option?

From all the lies she's told you'll never be able to trust her again.

I made a promise to myself. To her and to God. When I did that I didn't mean if things get hard I can just get a divorce.

And yes I know from a biblical prospective that Moses made provision for divorce and that Jesus validated the provision for one thing and it was infidelity. It's not a religious chain. It's more about my personal belief system.

If she knows that she can do anything she wants and you won't draw a line in the sand(divorce), she will take advantage of that.

It's sucks that she is only telling you the truth because she knows you're going to recover those deleted texts. But that does tell you a few things..but the most important thing it tells you is that she is still lying. That she will not tell you the truth unless you have proof. That she has been lying to you since you confronted her.

Is OM married? Have you investigated him any? If he is married his wife needs to know. Since OM knows you know, he will be watching for you to communicate with his wife, and he will intercept that communication. His wife needs to be called. Offer her a copy of any and all evidence. And do not warn your WW that you are contacting his wife. She will warn him and by the time you call his BW he will have her thinking you are crazy and violent and there is no affair. His BW deserves to know.

I get you. I married my first husband late, because I came from a broken home and I didn't want the same in my family. You'll note I say my first husband. Because sometimes, broken cannot be fixed and, no matter how hard you commit to your vows, when the other person sees no problem with throwing them away and with you being reduced to a dependent, beaten child, you have to sweep up the shattered pieces and put them away.

I digress.

Listen. Your WW is right on target with all other WSs who think that they have SUCH a unique set of circumstances. She is TTing (trickle truthing) you. Feeding you dribs and drabs of truth at her convenience. Her reasoning is right out of the Cheater's Handbook too. "I don't want to hurt you more." "I'm afraid that you'll leave me." "It didn't mean anything." "I forgot." "I'm concerned for your mental well-being." All Bull Pucky. It's because they are trying to save their asses by doling out info when each and every time that they feed you more lies, it's as if they have stabbed your heart again. I told my FWH when he TTd me that I had held out my bleeding heart in my hands to him, to give him the gift of trying to help heal it, and he took a knife and slashed another wound in it each time he TTd me.

Healing from Infidelity is said to take 2-5 years IF and only IF the WS comes clean immediately and does absolutely everything right to help the BS heal. And every time TT or another DDay is found out about, the time clock is set back, sometimes to past zero. I'm approaching year 2 physically, however it was about 6 months ago that I was having legal separation papers drawn up after I thought that we had it made. Because my FWH was caught in a lie that leveled me. It's by grace that we are where we are today.

If you haven't already, please read The Healing Library which is located in the yellow box in the upper left corner. Look through the first 3 pages of this forum for posts that have red "targets" next to them, and read the first page. This is all information that has been written by people who have been there and done that. You will find it immensely helpful.

And keep coming back for support. We're here for you.

I'm upset the counselor is not allowing the word "affair" to be said. That's taking away your wife's responsibilities for her actions. She's not a child "acting out" she's an adult who made a choice that hurt her husband. Jeez! I don't understand how people now don't ever have to take responsibility for what they do or don't do!

He's not married. He had a live in girlfriend, but he moved out when he and my wife started talking about her moving to Washington. He's staying with friends. Even if he does go back to that Girl friend I really don't care.

How do you know she moved out the week he started talking to your wife?

brother I'm sorry you're here.

I realize you have said divorce is off the table so I would like to ask a question. if you can't change, control or cure her, what do you think you can do to save the marriage? forget what she is saying to you, at best you have to drag the truth out of her, what concrete positive actions is she taking to fix this?

you can't fix this on your own.

strength

I made a promise too and I kept it.

But your WW, just like my fWW, ended your marriage when she broke the vows she took.

If she has no consequences for her actions, she will repeat them.

You do not need to be in a one sided marriage.

Skan. I don't think she thinks her situation is all that different. I think she honestly is so messed up she has no idea what she's doing or why. That doesn't change a think however. and I did call her out on the BS.

I read the healing Library when I first got here. It's what got me to this forum. It was the first place where I didn't feel like I was being told that wives cheat because their husbands are crappy. That's what lead me here.

I will check out the forum sticky threads.

Confused,

I know that he told my wife they broke up on facebook and talked about moving to a friends couch openly on his. I don't know for sure could it all have been a ploy? possibly. The information he sent to all his friends makes me believe it though.

Real,

Thank you.

I drug her to a counselor and made her tell them everything about her past. All the stuff she refused to deal with. We are now both seeing her separately.

A lot of people here don't like that counselor because she tried to play word games about what my wife did. But I'm less concerned with semantics and more concerned with actions.

Everyone,

I'm sorry. I'm normally much more composed then this. I realize I'm all over the place and if half of what I'm saying makes sense then I'm doing better then I thought. I can't seem to collect my thoughts or put my emotions in check at all.

regrets,

The truth is I've been in a one sided marriage for the last 4 and a half years. I accepted it and work with it. But this time she went too far.

Also, I didn't mean to criticize you or anyone's choice. I was talking about what it means for me personally. I completely understand walking away.

[This message edited by Wodnships at 3:07 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]

Wodnships, you're clearly an honourable person and it's obvious that you love your wife very much and you are determined to get your W the help and support that she so desperately needs. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. My concern is that you will get so wrapped up in dealing with her needs that you won't properly deal with your own. It is vitally important that you a) Get as much of the truth as you need and b) Deal with the betrayal. If you don't do this it is very likely that this will resurface at some point in the future and when it does, it could derail your R (if you do in fact go down the R route). This is one of the reasons why your counsellor has taken a kicking on here... you need to talk about the affair like it's an affair because it is an affair. If you minimise it you will jeopardise your healing process.

I jumped straight into R with my WW, got caught up with her issues, didn't allow myself to heal and process my own emotions and then bam I hit a brick wall and now cannot R.

Get your W the help she needs but don't neglect yourself in the process.

[This message edited by Credence at 5:13 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]

Credence,

Wow you hit the nail on the head with me. I'm a proton-typical oldest child. Always trying to be there for and take care of everyone else often at my own expense. I know I do this and it's something I struggle to avoid.

I do love my wife very much. More then anything. I've been through a lot for an with her. And there were many times that the easy answer would have been to walk away. But I never had. Not just because I don't believe in divorce, but because I've always thought she was worth it.

The problem is if she doesn't deal with her issues, I don't know if I can heal from this. Or at least not with her in my life. I can't deal with her abandonment issues or the patterns of pulling away or getting angry because I won't fight or complete panic over mild things. The affair was the last straw.

I am in individual counseling. She's using some newer methods that I'm a bit skeptical on (biofeedback and nurofeedback) but her assessment nailed my issues with me having to tell her. It was very interesting. I'm playing that out and seeing how it helps.

Hi Ships, sorry you *had* to find us.

While reading pg 1, I was nodding and going "yep, ok, yep, WW's making all the right *sounds*". By the time I finished with the entire thread.....I went *neutral*.

C6 gave you a huge *truth*-nugget and you need to keep her words in mind.....***If [your WW] knows that she can do anything she wants and you won't draw a line in the sand(divorce), she will take advantage of that.***

I think that ^^this is the reason that you are beginning to get some *push-back* from your WW. My mind-set, initially, was much like yours....but C6 perfectly described how *that* played out.

I drug her to a counselor and made her tell them everything about her past.

Ships, I have to disagree with this and give you a reality check. You may have made her tell the counselor everything that *you* know about.....but there may be things in her past that you know nothing about (and I'm not even saying that there are things she may have done in the marriage that you don't know about...I'm referring to things that are a part of her FOO (family of origin)).

Skan gave you some equally important wisdom:

***sometimes, broken cannot be fixed and, no matter how hard you commit to your vows, when the other person sees no problem with throwing them away and with you being reduced to a dependent, beaten child, you have to sweep up the shattered pieces and put them away.***

I guess that my point is that you need to step-back and let this play-out a bit. If your WW knows that you aren't going to leave the marriage, then she has NO incentive to *fix* herself. None.

The way to *know* (at this point) whether your WW *gets it* or not is to gauge her attitude. Do you think that your WW REALLY understands that her FOO has, most likely, caused her to have some *issues*? OR is she just kind of placating you?

For some crazy reason, a phrase from college keeps running through my head: "break the seal" -- (when you go out to the bar and you put off peeing as long as you can because you know that once you do.....you're gonna be running off to pee every 5 seconds).

Your WW has *broken the seal* on inappropriate relationships. My concern is that, if she doesn't seriously buckle down and address her *issues*, that her behavior will escalate at some point. (my future profession is one where I need to be able to *find* issues that will present *problems* in the future and address them in the present -- makes me a pain in the ass, but you'll be glad for me if my *predictions* turn out to be right and you've *covered* yourself because of my Chicken Little ramblings. )

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 6:02 PM, March 13th (Thursday)]

Gonnabe,

First off you are 100% right. I made my wife talk about what I know from her past. Some of what I know is pretty serious. But that's not to say there are things she hasn't told me.

No I don't think she's talking about her past issues to tell me what I want to hear. I really don't. For her shes always known that something wasn't right inside of her, but she doesn't know how to talk about these things.

Now as far as me and my absolute views on divorce. Obviously there is some point where it isn't going to work. If I haven't seen any progress at some point I will be given no choice be to walk away. Not because I want to punish her, but because I won't be able to do it any more.

It was close this time. But It's been a week and 2 visits with the counselor. I can't expect results that quickly. It's not realistic or fair.

I know that's not what I said above, but my head is such a whirlwind right now. I'm just all over the place.

So, now the big question. Is she making an effort to change things? Yesterday I would have said 100% yes. Today I really don't know. It's so easy to confuse effort with results.

I was at the first session with her. She's going on her own now. So, I have stepped back. The truth is there is nothing more I can do. Either she's going to put in the time and things will get better, or she won't and they won't.

Well it's been too long and I could only recover a few messages. So, I don't know what to think now. I feel a little numb right now.

I did find out that she had screen captured some of our privet conversations and sent them to this guy. She says it was to "show him how messed up she was.' The more I learn the less I understand.

my head is such a whirlwind right now. I'm just all over the place

It's called a roller coaster for a reason. We've all been there. If some of us come across as too harsh, it's because we desperately want to save you from the soul searing pain as much as we can. This is a case where the truth definitely hurts. I had nightmares, honest to god wake up screaming/vomiting nightmares for almost a month. Couldn't eat for almost that long. I lost 35 lbs. We understand where you are. That being said:

she had screen captured some of our privet conversations and sent them to this guy. She says it was to "show him how messed up she was

In what world does that make any sense? What else is she hiding?

Strength

none of it makes any sense. Keeping things from me when I already know things that are worse. Telling him she loves him and then cutting contact (unless she's got a burner phone. Which I doubt because I do the finances and have been extra diligent this week. and of course what you mentioned above.

It's like she's completely lost her mind. Off the rails, over the top. I don't get it.

Now as far as me and my absolute views on divorce.

I had very absolute views about divorce, too. In my mind, I had taken vows....better, worse, sickness, health, yadayada.

I think that my stbx banked heavily on that fact. Hello -- *he* lost. Putting up with tomfuckery and marriage long serial cheating wasn't in my marriage vows. Gonna Out.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:11 AM, March 14th (Friday)]