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Your friendship right now is based on lies and deceit." There's no deceit within the A.

Maybe not deceit, but lots of delusion.

I think HUFI means the lies and deceit are within your marriage. Your husband is unaware that you are cheating on him. A lie by omission is still a lie.

You have justified this so much you believe your own rebuttals of people who are on the other side of where you are currently journeying.

Do you not think that most of us said and have done the exact things you are doing now?

Your journey to healing (if you want it) will be a long one until you can truly see what your doing.

I say that not to mock your intelligence, it is evident that you are intelligent. I say that so you would listen to your heart.

I don't need the EA/A to validate me or anything along those lines.

Then why keep going back? Why not walk away forever? Why not stay NC? Be honest with yourself. You are getting something out of the "relationship".

My first A was "just" a friendship. He was my friend before QS and I ever thought of getting together. I was a teenager, talking to another human being. Then I got married. And I kept the "friendship". I put my time, effort, and feelings into this guy. It wasn't physical. We were 1,500 miles away. Didn't make it any less of a betrayal to my husband. Had I put the same time, effort, and feeling into my husband and our marriage, maybe I wouldn't be a member of SI.

I also disagree with the idea that there is no deceit in the A. Your husband is unaware yes? If there is nothing wrong with your friendship with AP, if there is nothing wrong with your life's path, why hide it? Hiding is deceitful. Period.

HUFI-PUFI -- Can you clarify this? Are you feeling that your EA is worse or better than other forms of affairs?

I've always tended to think of the Hollywood version of affairs--neglected spouse turning elsewhere for sex, WS filling the AP with false "promises" of some relationship that is never to be, etc. Basically, the cheap & tawdry characterization. Nauseating or not, I simply didn't view my EA that way, and it took me a long time to even categorize the relationship as an EA at all.

BaxtersBFF--So, there was absolutely no sexual tension in your EA?

Correct. None. That is not to say we didn't have sex, as that became part of our A. But the physical connection grew out of the fact that it heightened the emotional connection. It was never the motivator for the relationship.

HUFI-PUFI--This too is not uncommon. Many of us, including myself, were in good marriages before our affairs started. This reality is the reason that we say that its not your marriage that brought you to the affair, its "you" that brought yourself. And that of course refers to the "brokeness" of the WS. The "why" that drove you to seek something (validation, approval etc) from someone else.

I needed to read this.

BaxtersBFF--So, there was absolutely no sexual tension in your EA?

Correct. None. That is not to say we didn't have sex, as that became part of our A. But the physical connection grew out of the fact that it heightened the emotional connection. It was never the motivator for the relationship.

Okay. I get that you don't necessarily start out an EA with the whole sexual tension thing. I would say mine developed over the course of a week, and all of a sudden it was full on. The tension didn't start until long after...

But all this doesn't matter. You found yourself in an EA. You then had sex. Why did you have sex? How did it become part of your A? It didn't become part of mine mostly due to distance. I'm not saying either of us it better, it is just the circumstances of our own situations. And I remember thinking like you that mine was special. So why are you still idealizing it?

splitintwo - I'm a WW. Has anyone else struggled to end an EA/A? How'd you get out?

To go back to the question you asked in your first post, I would like you to consider two different approaches on how to end your affair that are available to you.

Approach I - Try to stop on your own. White knuckling is the phrase used in the AA to describe people who try to quit without support, relying only on willpower. It has a remarkable tendency to not be effective. Like you said, you feel a need inside you and as you also noted, when an opportunity arose, you found yourself too weak to resist starting up the EA again. Relying on "want to" will not suffice.

Approach 2 - You out yourself to your spouse. He insists on you writing a NC letter and establishes verification procedures to ensure that you don't get the opportunity to cheat again. As a condition to R, he insists that you start IC to determine the why behind your decision. As you gain understanding on how and why, you put boundaries into place to ensure that you won't start up again.

Can you see the difference and can you see how setting boundaries and guidelines in place for yourself will be more successful than just white-knuckling it?

I would encouage you to read the following posts. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=524944

I had felt guilt and regret over my EA right from the get go but it was not enough for me to quit. If my wife has not confronted me, the ugly truth is that I would have continued with my EA. Being compelled to answer my wife truthfully was the first step in my facing my reality without fantasy and wishful thinking clouding my mind. Being forced to dig deep inside my thoughts, feelings and motives to answer her question of "why" gave me the self-knowledge that I needed to really see how my EA addressed a brokenness within me.

Making the decision to confess to your BH can be the impetus towards a more honest and authentic life, if you want it to be.

HUFI

Wert - If you are struggling; remember that you can change that any time you like. Establish boundaries, leave, take emotional risks with your spouse, or just turn inward. Think about it and then doing something. The power is in you.

BSs are not allowed to post on stop sign threads.

WSs only.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:18 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

I don't think kelaney was supposed to post here because there is a stop sign. However, I do completely agree you are stealing your husbands life.

I have to wonder what your AP thinks about your relationship. My AP was always happy to continue being "just friends" when I would cut off the physical part (so many times I lost count). In retrospect I see that to him the "friendship" was a means of getting to the physical part. Over time he learned that if he were patient enough I would eventually cave- he would wait weeks, months. Any contact with him gave him hope that we were back on track for PA. I do think he liked me, cared for me, and enjoyed our talks but ultimately he was after a PA. I'd be willing to bet your AP is the same.

Splitintwo,

I was in a long term EA/PA. We both tried to end it for years. I felt the addiction and withdrawal. I planned to take it to my grave as well because I could not fathom hurting my BH with the knowledge of what I'd done.

After finding SI and doing some soul searching and the OM's BW outing the A to my BH (I lied and said she was crazy) I confessed all to my DH. It was AWFUL. But it was absolutely the right thing to do for all of us. My BH, my kids, and myself.

Looking back I can see how I lied to myself and deluded myself during the A. I had already done the damage to my DH before I confessed. He was hurt, he just didn't know what caused it.

I also thought by giving up the A I would be missing something I would mourn forever. The "friendship", the conversations, the "special connection" . When you are in it or giving it up it seems really tough. Looking back I didn't give up anything at all. I took out the trash. That relationship was rotten, like a cancer in my life. It was causing me guilt, shame, and anxiety. I was lowering my standards and beliefs and values to accommodate the persona of a lying cheater.

By confessing and working on cleaning the trash out of my mind and my life I have gained everything. The thing missing from my relationship with my BH was me. I was not putting anything into it but I couldn't *see* that then. I love my DH more than I ever dreamed was possible. Is he perfect? Absolutely not. But I love him exactly as he is and I don't have any feelings of missing out on anything. He is who I want to spend my life with. I don't need him, but I hellaciously want him and feel privileged and blessed to still be M to him.

I *knew* for certain that my BH would D me if I confessed my A. I had to accept that whatever my DH decided to do was out of my control. I needed to be truthful and authentic to be a person I could stand being and to be able to be a decent parent. I wanted to be honest and let my H see me filth and all.

Guess what? My DH didn't D me. We are still working on this together and I love him more than ever. Whatever I thought I was missing it was missing from ME. I am working on me. He is working on him and together we are working on our M. Things are still hard but we are a team and we are open and honest with each other. Having an A was the absolute worst decision of my life. Confessing it was the only right answer. Any other way would have led to more darkness and misery.

The only way out is through.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 5:04 PM, March 31st (Monday)]

You never will be ready to confess and you can try to take it to the grave but no matter how hard you run the one thing your never escape is yourself

This makes so much sense to me: "

IntoTheLight--I have to wonder what your AP thinks about your relationship. My AP was always happy to continue being "just friends" when I would cut off the physical part (so many times I lost count). In retrospect I see that to him the "friendship" was a means of getting to the physical part. Over time he learned that if he were patient enough I would eventually cave- he would wait weeks, months. Any contact with him gave him hope that we were back on track for PA. I do think he liked me, cared for me, and enjoyed our talks but ultimately he was after a PA. I'd be willing to bet your AP is the same."

Thank you all for your feedback. I'm going to sit with it, reflect, process. This is what I needed to hear...BTDT from WSs. I realize that my post is likely the equivalent of walking into an AA meeting & saying, "I'm an alcoholic, but I still want to drink a little." I apologize if I came off as insensitive.

And while I understand the confess POV completely, I'd rather white-knuckle my way through. If BH were to confront me, I'd own my behavior. But I do not wish to put anyone through that pain unnecessarily. And though I missed the BS post as it was edited, I can understand the "stealing my husband's life" POV, too. The fact is, pre-A, BH was dissatisfied in our relationship for many of the same reasons I am. We have made a decision to try to make it work, bridge our disconnects, for the sake of our family. And believe it or not, we have come a long, long way toward making that happen. Our M wasn't perfect pre-A, it's far from perfect now, but we are trying. And this conversation has given me some much needed perspective re: getting my shit together & stopping this. Thank you.

Good luck splitintwo. We all are pulling for you to end the A and to work on healing.