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As long as your money is sitting in the joint account, HE still has access to it.

Move it to your personal account as of YESTERDAY.

I wouldn't tell him you're leaving. Get your ducks in a row first, then go.

Honey, he is abusing you thru your finances. You staying gives him more opportunities to continue doing what he's doing.

He's been down this road before, he knows the signs. Don't be surprised if your time frame gives him more ways to sink you deeper into debt.

Hugs,

K

I agree with Kajem.

I think you should pay off the washer/cc after you leave. Concentrate on getting the funds to get out and away from him.

Please do not sign on for any more joint debt with him.

Gaby & KJ thanks for your input...

i pd for the washer and he purchased the dryer with cash...i was suppose to pay it off with my income tax but did mot....he doesnt ask me to buy anything with my money so i'm not worried about that....

I have to play my cards right so i dont set him off.. I know how he can be when he get upset...

This relationship sounds like a hot mess.

Just get out. Do whatever you have to and get away.

If he is paying another woman's bills he is in an emotional affair at the least.

and really I have no idea why you would tell him that about his son, that isn't your business, it's incredibly hurtful, and anyway oftentimes brothers just don't bear a resemblance. What was the point of that? I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I introduced a man to my family and on the drive home he decided to tell me "I don't think that's your real dad"

wtf???

Regardless, you need to make a plan that involves you being away from him within the next week. Not 5 or 6 months. The fact that you're worried about placating him means it's time to quit worrying about placating him. If he is the type of guy who gets vengeful when he's angry it's going to happen anyway. Start moving.

Absolut: i didnt tell him on the drive home... We've i realized it was hurtful for me to say that to him but this young man rubbed me the wrong way the second time we spent time together and i never forgot it....he really is diff than the other sons and i cant help the way i feel... However i apologized to my SO for saying that to him about his son....

I cant just pick up and leave now i did that once when i left my ex husb and struggled... i do not want to make that mistake again....

I'm getting anxious about all of this....

Absolut: i didnt tell him on the drive home... We've just met him two years ago.....after meeting him my SO asked me did i think he looked like the others and i said no not really..that was too years ago.... The incident i wrote about happened itwo fridays ago.....i realized it was hurtful for me to say that to him but this young man rubbed me the wrong way the second time we spent time together and i never forgot it....he really is diff than the other sons and i cant help the way i feel... However i apologized to my SO for saying that to him about his son....

BTW; I cant just pick up and leave now, i did that when i left my ex husb and struggled... i do not want to make that mistake again....

I'm getting anxious about all of this....

idk

I didn't think you said it under any particular set of circumstances I was just trying to make a comparison.

Maybe you can't help how you feel but you can control what you say. if you can't control what you say when you drink don't drink. Also if this man really does have horrid children that would be a reason to seriously reconsider the relationship, not knock him down a peg.

I fully understand struggling. I didn't work when I was married. Now I struggle. That's life, people struggle, mostly for their freedom

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago

RUN!!!! This should have been your 1st and only red flag. You went through this... Did he get IC? I know I am being sorta of a bitch here but I would never chose to be with a man who was in an A after what I just went through. They don't seem to stop lying or having that wh mentality. Well, I should not say all but this man is starting to show wh signs, please be careful, I don't want you to go through another shit sandwich. I feel for ya.

Absolut you're correct i should leave it alone and i have left it alone....thats the only incident that i mentioned anything about his son...

I mentioned in another post that my SO thinks everything is fine bc he got into bed last night (i guess he thought he was going to get some sex) and asked me how long am i going to stay mad? I told him as long as i want too... He turned over and went to sleep...

Yes he had an affair on his first wife 30 plus years ago

RUN!!!! This should have been your 1st and only red flag. You went through this... Did he get IC? I know I am being sorta of a bitch here but I would never chose to be with a man who was in an A after what I just went through. They don't seem to stop lying or having that wh mentality. Well, I should not say all but this man is starting to show wh signs, please be careful, I don't want you to go through another shit sandwich. I feel for ya.

If this was the ONLY thing that could be a red flag, then running may not be needed. It was 30 years ago, and if he did actually get help and change, then I would be ok with dating them.

however, based on all the information that has been presented, I would suggest that your SO has issues with secrets and telling lies (even by omission) so he can continue to control his current life status quo. This is pretty selfish and disloyal to you.

He KNOWS you wouldnt be happy with the things that he has done, so rather then actually NOT do them, or tell you about them...he goes behind your back to continue them.

Cheating aside, this is not behavior that is good in a mate. He's not your partner in this right now. He's very much on his own, with you just being there as his GF right now.

I was thinking about you last night.

I was feeling a little triggery over something stupid. I knew it wasn't real but sometimes its hard to let the emotions go. My SO's computer is never locked so I went and checked his email accounts for comfort. Yeah it was snooping. No I didn't really need to do it and wouldn't have gone out of my way to do it.

The point is that it should be comforting when you have an unexpected glimpse into their private world. I'm glad you're planning an exit strategy but don't let it go too long or you might find your self staying.

Undefine. You hit the nail on the head, thank you for putting it all in perspective.....he is not a partner...

When i sit back and really look at all of the lies he's told me big and small i'm disgusted with myself for staying with someone like him....whats wrong with me?? Was i that desparate that i overlooked what i thought were little things so that i can have a life that i desired? The life that i thought would bring me a lifetime of joy....

I'm crushed...

Oh Hexed you're right it should be that way... I've only snooped a few times and i always found something but overlooked it... I believe it was because i didnt want to make waves... My focus was on school then it was on the house....

I'm sitting here thinking about all of his lies from the house in ATL being his but its his mothers, all 3 of his sons had the same mother when only two has the same mother, he owned a chken farm in his country which was a lie to his step dad was his bros father when his bros father was another man.....

I make me sick....

idkam - This may sound harsh but, you really don't sound emotionally ready for another relationship. You've ignored big red flags and it sounds like you don't really have self confidence or self-respect right now. The worried about struggling etc sounds like excuses and like you don't value yourself enough. You DO deserve better, but it doesn't sound like you believe that. And you need to work out why you're letting him treat you like this, rather than getting out.

SO just sent me a text asking "what are we doing? I asked him what does he mean? Then he said you are still upset anout me buying my son a car? I told him i was upset bc he never told me he was buying his son a car.....guess what he had the nerve to say???? If you felt differnt about him i would have told you.....WTH??? I told him i knew he would say that....then i said we need to talk face to face....i'm sooo done...

I'm looking at apts but im afraid with my student lian now on my credit its hoing to be hard for me to get an apt...

Soft, i believe you are right to some degree.. Yes i allowed myself to stay in this relationship way past what i should have...yes my self esteem was and might be still low otherwise i never would have stayed in a marriage for 9.5 yrs to someone who was a cheater....i thought this guy was diff and i should have walked away 3yrs ago but i didnt....

I was never this way before marriage... If someone cheated on me or mistreated me i was out of there... I was the type of person who would not drag a bad relationship into the next year, if we werent getting along by the end of 12.31 i was out of there....

I really do not have a problem working two jobs or doing what i need to do to meet my needs....i know i have to get out of this relationship and that is my plan....

((idkam)) It's really tough. I'm not going to be ready for a relationship for a long time. I used to be out of there too...funny, huh?

But so well done for being able to end things. You know that YOU are not the failure here, right? He's not done the work to be healthy, and that shows you're getting healthier because you can spot that now. He's no good for you, or for anyone else.

Thank you for the kind words Soft....

I really believe he thinks there is nothing wrong with him... He expects people to look over his indescretions no apologies from him....

I'm looking forward to being alone. I know that is a weird thing to say but i am....

I'm just saying people don't just pay other people's speeding tickets.....unless they are in a relationship.

If someone borrowed money from me years ago, I wouldn't call them up, years later, with a debt, and expect them to pay. After 10 years, suddenly she has a ticket to pay? You should not be believing one bit of this story.

I can't see much past all the red flags waving with this guy. If it were me, his ass would be out the door.