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So he's basically going to hang out somewhere from 4:30 AM until I leave around 7AM and then coming home thinking he got me to believe he's going to work.

This is just so deceitful.

Do not let him know in anyway, shape or form the ways you have to snoop on him. If I were you I would wait until I have any evidence of actual meeting with her before you confront. Just act cool and keep watching. He will probably eventual make a mistake.

I apologize for HIM lying to ME! I've always tried to please people no matter what.

I haven't read your profile or previous posts much so I can't tell but are you in IC? This is a MAJOR problem moving forward from the A and setting boundaries. You MUST be willing to stick up for yourself and stick to your guns. If you are not in IC, now is the time to go so that you can find your bitch boots and start setting some real boundaries and consequences for his actions. As many say here, you have to be willing to lose the M before you can save you. You have to be willing to alert him that you know he's lying and have the uncomfortable confrontations for him to realize this is not a game and you WILL leave if he continues. You have to put your foot down and say enough is enough when he crosses the line either by staying with someone else for a while, making him move out, or filing for S/D (whether or not you go through with it). Until you find the strength to fight for yourself, your marriage, your family, and the respect you deserve, he will keep contact, keep lying to you, and start back up the A (if he hasn't already). R isn't even on the table for you until you've made it clear you will require NC to be kept, you will require full transparency (including him GIVING you passwords to everything) so that you can trust AND verify, and you have a plan in place for how he is going to rebuild your marriage and make sure this never happens again whether that be IC, MC, or both.

Imagine yourself as another woman, maybe even someone you know and care about (a sister, mother, best friend), and vividly picture this woman experiencing everything you have, being down trodden, being blamed for things that aren't her fault, and experiencing immense pain that she did not ask for or create. Now, get angry for that poor woman. Find your inner Mama Bear and want to protect that woman from further pain caused by her WH. Now remember - that woman is YOU and YOU deserve someone to fight for and protect you from pain others have caused. Some times the only one who can fight for and protect is ourselves and we are the ones best equipped to protect ourselves when we have full knowledge of the danger that awaits. You are going to be your biggest advocate in this fight and your biggest chance at R as soon as you are prepared to demand the respect you deserve and dole out consequences when you are not shown it. IC will help you get there and give you the tools you need.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:21 PM, April 21st (Monday)]

Mapper, I don't have much information about your situation to go on....children, your age, your support network, etc.

But it is evident you are with a LIAR. There is more than just the stuff with Jen going on. I agree with Shiloe, his work charade is very deceitful. I do not understand why you don't hefty bag his crap over the job situation alone! If my H had changed his password to his banking after a confrontation, that's all it would take for me to kick him to the curb!

Are you in IC? You need to address the fears you have of standing up for yourself or you will spend your life as a doormat. Love yourself enough to get strong and protect yourself. He will keep telling you lies as long as you let him.

((((Mapper))))

Okay here comes the 2x4...gently now~

My dear where is your self respect?

This guy is using you for a soft place to lay his head and 3 squares a day. He is not even working!

You know, at the very least, he is having a EA with his Ex Jen. Why in the world are you letting this happen under your nose??

IMHO You need to put a stop to all of this crazy snooping around and confront him already! You have enough intel to bury him now! Why wait until it becomes a PA...It may have already become one.

And not having access to his bank account while your are working and shouldering the financial load at the home is not helping YOU one iota.

Can you imagine how much worse your going to feel if your foolish husband helps Jen with her car by paying the 4K or helping her buy a new car...?!?

Ol' Jen will be delighted if your husband helps her pay for her car dilemma. So thrilled she may even screw with him...

Only you can stop the madness. You have the power.

Find your self respect and don it like a glimmering robe and make sure to doff those bitch boots. These will give you the strength to protect yourself and your marriage.

If you act like you don't care what he does he will take that as tacit permission to f%*k around with her. You need to send an appropriate response the the disrespect he is showing you and your marriage.

His showing you who he really is...believe him.

Trafficing with his ex is a recipe for disaster.

He is being pretty transparent about wanting to include Jen in your marriage. Trust me he will insert himself into Jen. He will make her his lover and you will remain the good housewife paying the bills and making a home for him.

Is that really what you want out of life? You are going to have to get mad and stand up for yourself. Don't allow him to gaslight you and turn the convo around. DON'T get into a discussion about how you got your intel. That is not the issue! Stay focused on his actions and his stupid texts and calls to this "Jen". And why he thinks its okay to spend so much time and give so much effort to this girl.

Like another poster said maybe he needs to get his wish of being single since he is acting like he is single.

Don't know how to be angry? I guess that does explain why you are still with him, and why would he ever ever want to change knowing you will put up with everything, and not even get angry? His type are floored when and if you ever get angry and they will claim you went off the deep end and are crazy, but that is because he "expects" you to be a permanent doormat and you have been allowing him to think of you that way.

I would DUMP a man who made excuses not to go to work as much as what you described in these posts. To me, that alone would be a deal breaker and people who do that are such a turn off to me. The fact he has this crap going on Facebook and whatever, with his ex would be just all the more reason to get rid of him. Sorry I don't have something more positive to say. I do feel for you. I don't usually recommend counseling, but I do think you need to start with getting some help with learning to respect yourself, and learning to get angry. It is normal and necessary in life when you are mistreated and disrespected, IMO.

I really feel for you in this situation.. but gently here..

he will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. If this is not the life you imagined / expected then change it. It might be scarey... but many of us have done it and are smiling on the other side

Does it really matter if he accuses you of not trusting him, when in fact...you have proof that you should not trust him?

What are the chances that he is meeting this Jen at this shop? Does she live or work near there?

Anyways, do you really want to stay married to a man that is still "in love" (sounds one way)with his ex? She just sounds like she has moved on in her life, but enjoys his attention and enjoys stringing him along like a fish.

The longer "Jen" keeps him at arms length, the harder he will try to get something going with her. She plays coy, supposedly uninterested and he busts his rear to get through to her. She's playing him and it's just a matter of time before she 'lets him' catch her. But first she makes sure he has to work hard to get her. She wins and he wins her. Gee, wonder how I know this ?

It bothers me a lot that you have no access to his bank account. What happens to his account if something happens to him ? Your marital funds but only in his name ? You won't be able to access it if something should happen to him because it will have to go into probate. That's just wrong.

You really need to put a stop to this before it escalates. If "Jen" wants it, it WILL escalate. Your marriage has included 3 of you for its entirety. No marriage survives 3 'spouses.' You're like I was: you love a man who disrespects you, dismisses your feelings, uses you, turns HIS shortcomings around to become your shortcomings. It's no way to live. The two of you have to either fix what's broken or you need to respect yourself more and boot his rear through the door.

So we are sitting on the couch last night watching tv and H is on the laptop looking at Facebook. I have been checking his messages on there and looking at Jen's personal page to see if he's made any comments or likes to anything. Of course he has been "liking" just about every comment she puts up! The latest one is apparently where she is in Paris and posting a picture of her in a cafe.

As he was going through his Facebook last night and I was looking on we come to just a general post by her (not to him, just something on her page) and he goes to me "Oh she just went to France and Iceland". Really? Well thank you for sharing that info with me! Nothing she does or doesn't do gets past you does it? And I am SO glad you shared those details with me!

Oh Mapper... You are in complete avoidance to the fact you are enabling him to treat you like crap. I get part of it, whilst I have never been afraid to get angry, I have had trouble keeping people accountable to how they treat me. Why? Because I am afraid they won't love me if I stand up and say hey, that's not acceptable! Since dday I have worked hard at this and have made it clear that if I find out its still happening or someone new comes on the scene I am out of here.

But here you are, dying inside, posting here every pitiful, immature, ridiculous thing your husband is doing, whilst seemingly ignoring what everyone is telling you! YOU are your biggest problem right now. You are standing back watching your husband run the bus that is your marriage into a tree, whilst telling the person beside you, us, how terrible a driver he is but doing nothing about it?! When this becomes physical, and I'm sorry but it will, you will be partly responsible for the extreme pain you will go through, not to mention the mind movies, the need to pick apart every single deed they did together, every caress, every kiss, every word whispered to each other. I write this not to hurt you but to try and warn you that your inability to confront this head on is going to cause you extreme pain in the future, not to mention all the what ifs, if I had of etc! Get into ic at the least, work on you if you can't confront him, but DO something for yourself... We can't do that for you even if we wish we could! Hugs, find your inner strength, it's in there, buried deep!

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Since you can't get angry at him, you need to nicely tell him to vacate the premises, and nicely file for divorce.

You KNOW he's a liar, you KNOW he's seriously hung up on his previous girlfriend (which would be a deal breaker on it's own),and you KNOW he's a moocher. Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with? If so, then you need to focus on swallowing the shit sandwich he has given you with a smile and thank you. If not, the re-read my first sentence of this post.