SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You just keep coming back for support. We all got your back! (((hugs)))

Thank you!! Each day brings new emotions I was all about R yesterday but today I don't know if I can or want to. I just keep going back and realizing that the past few months have all been a lie and how do I get over that ? I hate this so much

Rippedsoul: Is so spot on. We didn't start MC till 17 months into R. Up to that point I was doing IC. WH...none of that, but that didn't stop me from doing a shit load of questioning and educating myself and questioning again.

His reasons and ideas about the A and our M are so different today, then they were on D-day and the months that followed. Hell, even for the months prior to the full-fledged EA.

Yeah, there were things that could have been worked on before the A that were weak in our M.

More communication, more time spent together, and being less child centered.

However, what makes a person have an A...was there in that person way before you came along. It IS all about the broken WS. Their level of integrity, their level of honor, their level of commitment, their morality, their lack of self-confidence/esteem, their selfishness, their bad coping skills, their hunger for excitement, their sense of entitlement, their ability to justify anything to get what they want, their need for instant gratification, and so much more. But above all-their selfishness. I bet looking back, you may discover that it was always like that in your relationship. Are you a giver? Has he always been a taker?

BTW: I would journal his responses and thoughts. I wish I had since D-day. Then you can go back and use it as reference for healing and understanding.

The spouses tend to forget what they said on D-day and after as they come out of their fog. Then they throw their hands up in the air and wonder why we are having such a hard time with it all.

Just let him know you are doing it. No secrets. This way it doesn't seem like you are keeping score.

That's great advice I'm just confused on how I heal and move forward if I can't stop thinking about it. Today I just want to sleep and be alone but I'm making myself work and fighting back tears. I don't think he is where I am or understands the hurt I'm going through maybe he doesn't even care I don't know.

Have him read some of the things in the healing library to help him understand the impact.

It took that, me leaving him one day (Dear John style), and the outing to family members (he heard from someone else's point of view how horrible he acted) to finally get it.

Try not to stop the thoughts. Let them come. Process them. Just make sure that you continue to live at the same time. The goal is to not get over it. You never will. The goal is to live with it. Learn from it and move on with your life. Unfortunately this is your life. Your marriage. You can rage against it and the injustice of it all, but it will never change.

It is true what we all say. Only time and answers heal the wounds.

Oh, and the hard work of fWS as well. You just have to let them know here and there that their hard work and good behavior do make a difference or these selfish fWS may just give up from disappointment that it just isn't happening fast enough. They get discouraged easily.

How is all this achieved when he isn't even sure if he loves me anymore. What do we work on first? He says he is willing to try but if he is focused on moving forward and trying to make that connection again and I am focused on the A don't those two things kind of clash?

My H didn't want to "focus on the past". Just wanted to look ahead and go forward because actually having to look at what he did was way to uncomfortable for him. With it all lying bare, his justifications looked really lame and he knew it.

For me, there was a flag on the play. I needed to stop the clock and review the tape. It's a necessity to be able to process everything that you have learned. It's definitely a clash but, that's why you keep hearing that you need to focus on you. Do what YOU need to do for YOU. Now is the time you take care of what you need to do. IMHO, his needs shouldn't even be a factor right now. He has been busy making sure his were met without any consideration for you.

Outtanowhere

Omg your post just hit me like a brick to the head lol. I have never focused on myself I have always put everyone else's needs and wants before mine. I honestly don't know how to focus on me! I'm sure there is a book for that lol!! I can see my husband being the exact way. I don't know where our marriage is going but I will make dang sure I am taking care of me from this point on.

My H didn't want to "focus on the past". Just wanted to look ahead and go forward because actually having to look at what he did was way to uncomfortable for him. With it all lying bare, his justifications looked really lame and he knew it.

For me, there was a flag on the play. I needed to stop the clock and review the tape.

Same with us. It isn't always rugsweeping. My husband lives in the here and now. I am the type that focuses on the future. If my future feels unsafe, then I focus on why. Which of course is because of the past.

Our present is fantastic, but I can't always see that. The past overshadows it. I can't fix that. I can't retrain my brain to be a here and now girl.

So, I did the next best thing. I focused on me. I will never be that naive giver again. His happiness is not what I strive to give. I focus on my dreams. My wants and making connections with a load of other mothers that are where I am at this point in my life. Joined MOPs.

Think about that one passion you put on hold, and pursue it. Live for yourself,God (if that is something you believe in), and your children. Focus on building yourself into a person full of grace and mercy.

Don't worry about the relationship. Do the 180. Move on in your life as if you were single again. Just don't become a madhatter.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:34 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]