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So he fails a poly because he's still clearly LYING to you, and then uses emotional blackmail on you by claiming if you don't believe him the marriage is over?

I'd tell him, "Good. When you can you be out by?"

Sadly I'm torn, I just can't believe someone would not come clean after failing, could he have possibly failed when being truthful?

Did he fail all 8 base questions?

Who are you going to believe - your lying eyes that saw the poly results or him because he claims he's not lying?

And what a crock of CRAP that he told you to call his OW and she'll tell you how innocent they were. Good Lord. She was already coached by him a long time ago on exactly what to say should you ever go looking to her for answers. Not only is contacting her degrading, but it's a dead end because her loyalties lie with HIM, not you. And she's as big a liar as he is.

Good luck to you Jls.

I haven't seen the results, poly called me with them yesterday. Even if he is being truthful, he is behaving the same way he was when I discovered his other sexual activities, angry, selfish, more focused on how this affects him with little recognition of how I'm feeling. He slept like a baby last night, while I was up all night. Rather than talk after the kids were in bed, he zoned out on the tv. Yeah and calling AP makes me want to hurl. She already lied to me last year.

You are dealing with a classic narcissist socio dear. He is a jerk for sure. Please get tested for STD's. You really cannot have sex with him without condoms from now on. Start saving money in a separate account he knows nothing about. He will likely leave you if he knows that YOU know he is truly screwing around. They do not like that mirror at all. He needs his mirror to reflect that he is a great, wonderful, good man. When their cheating is discovered they get REALLY upset because suddenly they look at you and see that he is a weak little kid who lies and hurts other people. He will blame you and then he will cultivate and groom his next mirror to reflect back to himself how great strong and wonderful he is.

If you believe he is narcissist then quietly save your money and make no effort to make things better with him. Print the 180 and get busy preparing for your future WITHOUT him.

When you can separate your emotions from his control you will see MUCH more clearly. If you were still healthy and had not been manipulated by this pile of human excrement, you would be shocked that he is claiming the polygraph is a lie. It is just STUPID. HE IS STUPID.

I can promise life is calm and predictable when the narcissist is out of your heart.

Even if he is being truthful, he is behaving the same way he was when I discovered his other sexual activities, angry, selfish, more focused on how this affects him with little recognition of how I'm feeling.... Rather than talk after the kids were in bed, he zoned out on the tv.

Gently, does it matter if he's telling the truth or not?

I just had a thought. A narcissist would never tolerate being told that he is a liar and you are going to believe the polygraph test. Before you take that stand you should be sure to understand. Most narcissists would go away if they had another supply girl waiting on the side. BUT...many narcissists turn physical abusive when faced with something like that. Also, I would find it hard to believe that a truthful person who failed the polygraph would be angry toward YOU. Maybe angry at the polygrapher. For sure they would not be able to relax and sleep well. If a truthful person had a false polygraph result they would be EATEN UP....could not stop talking about it...googling it...calling to ask questions. There would be a passionate search for an explanation. Screaming and yelling at you before settling in for a peaceful night in front of the TV then turning in for bed???? NARCISSIST IN CONTROL.

Angerisme- he wasn't yelling at me, just upset at results. He was angry that I didn't believe him, by why the hell would I?? He's been online researching polygraph success rates and showing me bad reviews out guy got, but come on, everybody that fails is going to post a bad review! He wants to take another, I told him that's on him then. I am still unemotional about this, I guess I knew in my gut. I did cry a bit this morning but I have two little ones I don't want to upset today and of course we are all home for the holiday :( I never thought he was this kind of man

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had my H take one 18 months out because I had issues with things that didn't add up for me.

I had it in my head that if he failed that I was going to end our relationship. It was daunting to me to even think of what that entailed but I was going to do it because I am worth being in an honest relationship.

You need to put you first! It sounds to me that you are not accustomed to the view from the top of the totem pole but that you may want to get used to it.

I wish you strength and the sheer power to create positive change.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had my H take one 18 months out because I had issues with things that didn't add up for me.

I had it in my head that if he failed that I was going to end our relationship. It was daunting to me to even think of what that entailed but I was going to do it because I am worth being in an honest relationship. In my case, he passed and we are still together, on the rollercoaster of ups and downs because of this shitstorm he brought on our family.

My advise to you is yes, get angry but You need to make yourself put you first! It sounds to me that you are not accustomed to the view from the top of the totem pole but that you may want to get used to it.

I wish you strength and the sheer power to create positive change.

Can you afford another polygraph test?

I would do it. If he fails the second one you will know for sure that the other test was not failed because it was conducted by an unskilled polygrapher.

Polygraphs can be off if an unskilled person gives the test.

It is unlikely though that he would fail all the questions, if the polygrapher was inept. He may fail more than half but not all.

If he is still denying after failing a second test, you can at least feel as if you gave him ever chance possible to come clean.

Some people will lie to protect you. That's misguided.

He may figure there is no point now to being truthful, and he does not yet understand that it is all the lying and deceiving that causes harm.

I absolutely believe he failed it b/c he lied.

Why?

Well first of all, I don't really believe a "sex addict" involved in an affair with his co-worker would only be emotional and not physical. I really don't believe EAs happen at all unless the parties are separated by distance, and certainly not with a sex addict

Secondly, he has motiviation to lie. He thinks he can beat it. It is highly unlikely he would have 8 control questions and fail all 4 questions, and it be an anomaly.

Also, as an aside - I think the last question is poorly worded (the "do I know about all your online activity" one). I just don't think a person could ever know about ALL a person's online activity - does that include knowing every date he saw porn and every site he went to? That being said, of course he hasn't revealed to you everything shady he's done on line.

Finally, and most importantly, his reaction. The fact he refuses to discuss, zones out in front of TV and sleeps like a baby. The fact he threatens you that the marriage is over if you don't believe he told the truth.

Like prior poster said, the proper response is "Good, when are you leaving"

Honey, this is a gift. Knowledge and truth is a gift. You are young, start over, move on being a great mom, get a great lawyer.

A lifetime with a lying cheating "sex addict" is not a happy one.

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 4:03 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

JLS and HurtingSo:

First off, JLS, I'm sorry.

2nd, being he IS diagnosed as SA - of course he failed. Why? Because even I totally don't believe he only did what you say he said he did. Please..... I wish he only did what he said he did.

My husband is SA. I was shocked by his amount of betrayal. The reason someone is SA is because they have done what they have done so long that is it what some professionals diagnose as SA. It's not "just one affair" it's A LOT MORE THAN JUST ONE AFFAIR.

Now, just one affair is devastating, because an affair is all about lying not only to the spouse but to everyone even themselves and there is talking and secret speak and love talk and so much emotions! It's like a second spouse!! The main difference with SA is usually they aren't interested in feelings, where affairs are feelings, even if they lie and tell you it isn't. The affair game is about feelings and physical. SA is mainly about physical. Sure some SA's have what they think feelings are = maybe yours, but really, SA is about SEX and sex and sex and sex and masturbation and porn. SORRY TO ALL THOSE WHO ARE EASILY SHOCKED. But SA is SHOCKING.

So, I waited 2 years until my stupid arse SA took his poly and he passed flying colors. I knew almost everything within about 2 months, but wanted to wait 2 years to pay for the knowledge. This is after he goes to 2 meetings a week plus group therapy. There is little to be gained, in my opinion, in doing the poly too soon if they have not fully engulfed themselves into "recovery" as much or more so as the whole sex addiction acting out. I have recovery in para's because I don't truly believe in sex addiction like I believe in alcoholism or drug addiction or eating addiction. That's just my own beliefs and I don't mean to offend anyone who does fully believe. Anyway, belief or not, he still has to do all that (5 hours of sex addiction stuff listed above - plus as much driving).

Anyway - get him into major therapy if you want to stay with him and there is nothing wrong with wanting to stay married to someone who cheated on you, ok? So get him into therapy and SA or SAA and any kind of church and get him into the whole recovery and then after a time you can re-test. That is my opinion.

Good luck and you will get through this - with or without him. With him, he has to do major sh*t, ok?

[This message edited by mychild at 4:25 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I think you know Jls0320. I think you knew he was lying then and know he is now, otherwise you probably would not have gone the polygraph route. I think you know what you have to do now too.

I agree with some of the others in that you need to get away from him for a bit at least. He is making a lot of noise and trying to confuse you. You need to think without him in your ear. Gather up your strength. Put on your game face. Get your resources together and take care of you!

could he have possibly failed when being truthful?

I don't think so. With the baseline questions and a knowledgeable examiner... He was caught. He is throwing a tantrum to sway your confidence.

Trust your gut. Trust the test results. Do not trust a lying, cheating snake.

Polys aren't allowed in court because sociopaths can beat them - you know, show as telling the truth when they are lying, not the other way around...so unless your WH wants to also claim to be a socipath...

I know it's hard, but don't let him bully you into believing his bullshit.

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 6:12 PM, May 28th (Wednesday)]

I just wanted to give you a great big hug. I have been where you are. The DDay from hell, with the WS who has the history yours has, with the failed polygraph and the horrific reaction he gave when he failed it. Never saw any of it coming.

I think the main difference in my sitch is that he'd been in intense therapy for SA for a year, and the poly was actually required by his IC and not me, which is common in SA recovery therapy led by a CSAT IC. The reason being that active SAs, and those early in recovery, are often lying sacks of shit. The polygraph determines very quickly if there is serious work going on or if smoke is being blown. I am in agreement that he failed it, and that polys early in SA recovery are only useful in telling the BS what they cannot see for themselves at that time. He's not going to pass it any time soon, not until he fully realizes how broken he is, how pervasive the lying is in all aspects of his life, and he has done considerable work on himself in a therapy.

The other difference in my sitch is that I and the IC talked extensively with the polygrapher beforehand, so he had the back history and inside info to develop the right questions. The polygrapher had years and years of experience with SAs and with sexual predators. So there was no doubting his expertise. But honestly from what you've told me, your polygrapher sounds legit. It is more common to pass when you are lying than the other way around, and both are rare.

In addition, when we were given the results, both his IC and my IC was there with us. That way, they could both see his reaction, and prevent a lot of the gaslighting, blameshifting, honestly straight up emotional abuse that often happens when a cheater is freshly caught with proof. And the BS has the chance to get away from the WS if there is danger or if s/he just doesn't want them around. I am sure you are still getting a lot of this shit from him now. Ignore it best you can.

Now is the time to focus on you. Get you a top notch IC with experience in trauma, and with spouses of SAs if you can. Get you a L and get educated on all your options. Get yourself to the doctor and get tested for every STD available, and some anxiety and sleep meds. Engage in the full 180 and figure out what you need to do to feel safe and be happy again. If it means kicking him out, do it. If it means calling in the family and friends to support you during this time, do it. If it means up and leaving him with the kids on an extended trip anywhere for a while until you figure stuff out, do it.

I agree this is a gift. You now know what you are dealing with. If he is really worth staying with, he will own his shit and go through recovery and fix himself, without you. You have no effect on that, it is out of your hands. What is in your control is taking care of you and your kids, and doing what is in your and their best interests. The rest will sort itself out.

I am so sorry this is your reality. I know it's hard, and it sucks beyond belief. But keep posting, and we will get you through it.

Still denying. Asked me where we stood now, and if I believe him that he is telling the truth...barf. He says if I don't believe him then no point to continuing marriage.

That is a threat aimed at you so you will back down. Liars do not like to be cornered with the truth. They react like vampires to Sunday morning. There will be a lot of moaning and gnashing. If you stay strong he may try to throw a little compromise your way. If you still do not believe him, he will stomp off like a wounded child. All of his hurt will be your fault for not believing him and the focus will be on him as a victim, rather than you and your betrayal by him.

You have uncovered his secrets and side life. I am sure he thought he was special and could beat the test just like he beats your test. He got away for a while so he became used to the duplicity and the power it gave him. You just sucked all that power in your direction. Use it to put yourself into a better position. And insist that the OW stays out of it. She has nothing to add.