SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, sorry, haven't been on here since yest morning. I get your points and she agrees with your last paragraph in her more lucid moments! General idea is that she is no use at the moment so is trying to her head straight and then we can try and work together. I would rather be alone at the moment than putting up with her and it has all been complicated further by her friend's death. Plus I think we all agree that some action was required!

I certainly won't be welching on the separation as think bending would be the worst thing to do now and I was the one who specified no contact! Also, don't think she is having an affair as specified. She was never 'given permission' and is a terrible lier so I would find out anyway!

Right well, I'm four days from the end of our separation period so thought I would throw up a quick update and see if there is anything I need to consider before her return on fri.

We have both kept our resolve and not contacted each other. However, one of my friends told me he rang her this weekend to speak to her and she was so upset that she put the phone down three times in a short conversation. So the idea that she was going to sort herself out and come back in a more constructive frame of mind seems somewhat fanciful but we will see I guess!

I think I've done pretty well and done all the things I said I would. I read codependent no more and haven't been tempted to even check her facebook profile, which I think is a positive way to handle it and not sit around moping, etc. Have thought about it a lot but I suppose that's natural.

In preparation for Friday I rang a solicitor tonight and have arranged a free divorce consultation, and I am also going to get a valuation on the house. Think this will be handy info to have to hand if it all goes wrong again. Have also realised that if i want to site 'adultery' in divorce proceedings, I will have to do it in the next three weeks. Don't know if that's just me being petty though and if it really matters in the grand scheme if we go that way.

I am going to approach Friday with an open mind but my friend's verdict on her state of mind tells me that my plan to use this month as a final wake up and give it one last go together may not be doable!

Not sure I want to divorce but need to move on with my life one way or the other and a month apart has to be a turning point of some kind! Especially as I know I've done good work on handling being alone well.

Is there anything else I need to get in place before Friday? Thanks!

Okay, well, it's all over. Wife came back and told me she can't be bothered to try. Long story but she tried to talk about it but I was quite calm and told her there's no point in taking about it any more. Also said she still loves me but there's too many issues to resolve. Main one being she is 38 and desperately wants to have a baby in the next two years. I said that basically she just didn't love me enough any more.

Managed to get out of her that she got drunk a week ago and slept with the guy she had the ONS with again. She said something about she was drunk and she had to prove to herself how evil she is and that it was over between us. Said she didn't want me to find out, but I'm glad I did because now I know what she is really like and that it's over.

Talked about divorce and she agreed to be amicable and cried (?!). Then she had to grab some things and so I started watching TV. When she came back down she was hanging around still talking to me and I said she needed to go. She was saying she didn't want it to be like this and wanted to still be friends. I said what go you want to do, go for a pint? Then she eventually left.

Has been four hours and haven't cried or anything so think I'm dealing with it okay. Have kind of worked out that this was where it was heading over the past five months. Just need to get through tonight then I can go and stay with friends tomorrow. All seems a bit of a waste but there you go. I've got the message!

Hi,

I didn't read all of the responses...but did read your responses.

I counted a lot of "anyways" in your posts.

My go-to friend has a lot of "anyways" in his language pattern....may be nothing, but I think it is something.

What is that something?

Is it boredom?

Is it apathy?

Is it worn out?

Is it you denying your own pain, feelings, needs?

I can't answer that...you have to.

I will do for you what I do for my good real life go-to guy. I will pray for you.

My friend is in a "solid" marriage....but the more we visit the more flags I notice. He is starting to notice them too.

Just check up your assumptions....investigate as deeply as you can for YOUR motives. Focus on YOU.

Just what you shared with me....your wife is far from stable. She is hurting herself and you. Getting drunk and sleeping with another man recently speaks loudly here. Is it her FOO pain? BPD or other personality disorder? Is it a mid-life crisis? If she feels enough pain of doing the same, she will see fit to find ways to change. Pain of Same has to be greater than Pain of Change for change to occur. You can help your wife by NOT taking pain that is hers onto your shoulders. The cause of that pain is NOT YOURS TO DIG FOR!

I see you, like me, very willing to jump in and do. Great!!! This will serve YOU well. Jump in and dig for YOUR "whys".

Why are you doing what you are doing?

What hurts and pains are you not facing that you need to heal from?

Get, read and own what is written in "Codependent No More". There is always going to be life stress's (deaths, financial hardships, illness, etc.). That is not a reason to stay in a CoD cycle.....because you will always stay there. Amazing what people can use as excuses for "stress" that enable them to choose destructively and those who love them to enable them to. I know.....I was "that guy".

A thing that helps me is to put one of my daughters in my place. I then let the scene play out as I am planning on playing it.

So many times I get a "OH SHIT!" moment....and stop. I give up on that course of action and do two things.

First, I find a suitable action....one that has no "oh shit" moment involved in it.

Second, I make a note to investigate why I was going to choose the "oh shit" feeling route in the first place. Pretty ugly answers most of the time....but is the only way for me to break free from MY part of a destructive, unhealthy cycle.

peace brother.

I don't think this is the end.....I think this is you getting ready to cross a threshold to a new start.

I pray all M's survive this. I also know if they don't, its in everyones healthiest interest to do what they can to get to a healthier spot. If not, cycles will repeat themselves.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:22 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

Main one being she is 38 and desperately wants to have a baby in the next two years. I said that basically she just didn't love me enough any more.

Managed to get out of her that she got drunk a week ago and slept with the guy she had the ONS with again. She said something about she was drunk and she had to prove to herself how evil she is and that it was over between us.

Goodness. I hope she doesn't have a baby in the near future. She is incredibly immature and selfish. And, according to her - evil.

A lot of it doesn't make any sense but I guess it's not my problem any more! I just need to move forward. I wish I could file now and get it moving forward. I just need to move on with my life. Thanks for your responses, much appreciated.

Hey TWM. I've followed you since day 1. I'm very sorry it has come to this. We were all hoping this wouldn't happen. None of it made any sense from beginning to end. Now you can see how broken she really is. Please know that this was not your fault and is all on her from beginning to end.

There is a D section too. I hope you continue to stick around. I wish you luck, success, and happiness no matter what your final outcome may be.

I don't give out hugs lightly brother. But here's one anyway.

(((TWM)))

Thanks mate, I appreciate it! Am going to put my feet up and try and get some sleep (it's almost midnight in the uk) then I've got Glastonbury Fesival next weekend. Onwards and upwards!

Enjoy that Festival, TWM.

Enjoy Glastonbury. Something to really look forward too!

Well, the icing is now on the cake. After all that she has just tried to call me twice in the middle of the night! First time at 1.56am but I assumed was an accident, as only rang about twice, but then she tried again 10 mins later and I cut it off without answering. I then thought 'I'm going to lie here wondering all night now'. So it's texted back "Why do you keep ringing me? I think you're being very unfair as this is making it very hard for me to sleep" about 20 mins ago and she hasn't replied. Looks like any idea I had of getting any sleep is now gone!

(Double post)

[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 8:49 PM, June 20th (Friday)]

Hey TWM, I'm so sorry your WW was unable to come to the party to do her part. Look after yourself the best way you can.

As to the phone calls- I believe that it is probably just a way to suck you back into her drama. You were so strong with her, you were ready to end your marriage because you would no longer carry her. She isn't going to like that, she has probably relied on you to just be there when she needs you to be. My WH was similar during our marriage before dday. He took me for granted that I would always just be there and in the mean time her could do whatever as long as I didn't know. Luckily, so far, he IS showing all the signs of wanting to change.

My advice, either turn your phone off or put it on silent if you don't need to have it on. You are no longer her person to be there and my guess the more that settles in, the more she is going to hate that. Do buy into it. She knows what she has to do if you two were to stop the divorce process. There is nothing more to talk about. So go about living your life the way you want. Drama free!

I knew it was too good to last. Two phone calls? What would you possibly want to discuss with a possibly drunk STBXW in the middle of the night? Be glad you didn't answer the calls.

Your attitude is exemplary. I'm quite sure she was trying to get to you by pronouncing the M over. You were ready for it and had mentally beaten her to the punch.

Now, file for D. I don't know British law (going to Glastonbury Festival, I assume you are a Brit) but long ago the Brits decided a case that made it impossible for a man to sue to bastardize his child (as it was said in those days). May now be overruled, but if STBXW is sleeping around, she could become pregnant. Ask your solicitor,

This is suggested as a possible reason to file quickly. Nonaccess may be a defense to a child support claim, backed up by DNA testing.

The next time she calls with a need, tell her she sacked (is that the right term in UK?) you from that job. Tell her to go find OM at the local pub or wherever she originally found him. Maybe he'll be happy to help her.

Texted her to check it wasn't an emergency as was getting worried about that. Now says it was an accident and that she somehow managed to FaceTime me fwice even though she was talking to some on else (friend) for past two hours. Anyway, whatever.

Okay, it's a new day and I feel much the same as I did last night. Keep thinking about it but am stable and not tearful or anything.

Only got about two hours sleep but that was more tedious than tortured. Went to the gym at 8am and then came home and ate some healthy food.

Am going back to my hometown at lunchtime to see my oldest friends which will be good for me. I also mailed my 'wife' and told her what info I needed to get the amicable divorce done (dates and locations). Have also spoken to an estate agent and it looks like we are due to make £200k on a house we bought two years ago (that's London for you!), so things could be a lot worse!

Thanks for all your replies!

Her decision to sleep with the OM yet again was very unfortunate. It seems like a deliberate attempt to sabotage your relationship and make sure it is irreparable. If she wanted to reconcile she never would have committed adultery once more; and with the same guy.

If she got pregnant with him your divorce would be stymied until the child was born.

I remember posting on your thread few months ago. I'm very sorry that things went from bad to worse and that your wife just couldn't value your marriage. You seem to have a sensible path forward mapped out; maybe because your marriage seems to have died by inches over the last 6 months. Onward to better things.

One point that puzzles me somewhat. You state that you have not resumed marital relations as yet, but your wife wishes to. She can't get pregnant until you do; does this explain her reluctance to reconcile? She has possibly as much as 4 years to conceive and in that case needs to find a partner soon to have a child with. You are reluctant to be that partner for your own reasons, so she needs to move on ASAP. It could be that she has been having more sex with the OM than she admits; maybe she thinks he could do the baby deed. She does seem to want a child badly.

Forgive me if I have read your story wrong. Just looking for a reason for your wife's strange behavior.

[This message edited by OK now at 8:35 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]

Hi, yes, everything you say is true. The hard thing for me is that just how much she wanted a child was only made clear to me after the one night stand. Frustrating!

Weirdly, my friends and I just discussed the possibility that she has done it more than twice. She really can't lie to me, so was idly thinking that I should have asked her on Friday. Also, her telling me was in response to the question 'have you met someone else?' However, at the time my attitude was 'it's over, get her out as quickly as possible'.

My take on it is that twice is too many, so at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me now. The healthy thing is to think 'I'll never know for sure but it's not my problem now'. In my own petty way I am also taking strength from the fact that most relationships started as 'affairs' are doomed anyway. Also know that the other guy is 30, divorced and only sees his kid at weekends. Good luck to them with their form! Not sure you would want to throw a baby into that mix immediately!

Thanks again!

[This message edited by TheWrongedMan at 10:01 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]

Hi,

Bit weird but just logging in quickly as not been on here for a while as nothing new to report and have just been getting on with it.

Anyway, as everyone on here has been so nice, just wanted to say 'I'm okay'. Went to the Glastonbury Festival and had an amazing time with my friends and was the best thing for me. Wife is finally getting legal advice on Friday and will hopefully give me the info I need to divorce after that. She wanted to meet up face to face to discuss but I rebuffed as I didn't think that would be helpful/necessary.

Anyway, just to say I'm doing well. Obviously feel a bit melancholy about it at times, but that's natural I guess and I am just happy to be finally moving on with my life after five month of messing around.

Thanks again to everyone!

Thanks for the update TWM. Glad to hear you are doing as well as you can be under the circumstances.

Remember to keep your head up and that this had everything to do with her and not you.

I predict a bright future for you.

yop