SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

All I can say is we are truly connected....I am NOT in competition with OW anymore....he is ashamed of himself and his actions...I don't need to go out of my comfort zone to prove ANYTHING ....so I really don't need to know all their dirty little secrets....he had sex with her no doubt he enjoyed it AT THE TIME.....he now and very early on says he wishes he could take it ALL back....

do I get mind movies? You bet! And they are fading with time...

but this is just MY opinion....I know enough and my main thing is to move forward....those details would set me back....

I felt the need to know all the details. I read an article that explained this mindset really well and it also explained why people don't want to know anything...it all made sense. I do wish I knew less in a sense, but I don't think I could go through life wondering...I'm not good at being left wondering and I find the truth is usually not as bad as the mind movies. The problem is, the mind movies are more realistic or vivid when you have the details. My H had no emotions for any of the oW, so my only focus was on the road trips and the sexual details. I wish I had enough restraint to not need to know it all, but I don't - I almost obsess about the question until I get the answer. I think it's personal choice and it's what you think you can handle. I don't compare or compete with the OW in any way. I know they hold nothing on me and he does too, but the details have helped and hurt me...it goes both ways IMO

At first I really struggled with this question, and I believe I have asked similar questions. I was soo worried I wasn't going to heal without ALL of it or I was going to ruin my chance for R or prolong it with ALL the details. I was so conflicted with myself. What should I ask? How much should I know? How much can I handle?

Let me tell you. There is no rush. One thing I told WS was that I may ask questions months from now or a year or years. I needed to know that WHEN EVER I want to know something that he will tell me. So I took my time. If I wanted to know something I would sit on it and ask myself if it will help me or us and how. The more unsure I was, the more I would wait. Some of those questions I have no interest in asking now.

I asked things like how many times? protection? Where? Anal? Or oral? Who was on top or in control at the times ( but not specific positions, I didn't want to ruin MY sex)

Also I wanted to add that the more honesty I got from WS, the more I thought about the questions I wanted to ask. I believe alot of it had to do with trust. Trusting that he is going to tell me. That he is willing to tell me, even while he is feeling ashamed and horrible about himself and what he has done. How do you know its truthful? I believe i read in the healing libraries ...when they tell you things that hurt or arnt what you really want to hear, it's a good sign of the truth. Once I saw this, the questions really died down. I am content with what I have, the whole story makes sense in a weird way. But if in the future I have any questions I won't hesitate to ask.

I've not asked too many questions about the actual sex- other than whether it was protected. I've not asked anything really personal yet. I want to, but I'm also afraid to because I'm not sure how to bring it up wihtout being angry and I know how hard it will be for me to hear the answers. Also, I'm concerned it will be TMI that I can't undo. What sort of questions did other people ask?

In my case, I didn't want the details (I didn't want to read emails or texts, I didn't want to hear what they did to eachother and how long it lasted, etc). But I did ask for an honest timeline....in my case my husband had multiple infidelities and it was important to know the facts and when they happened. I tried to save myself from the deep pain of the details.

For me, I didn't want there to be any "Bridges of Madison County" notebooks or memories. Every single detail of the A belong to the M, and are no longer special between WW and OM.

That need for detail has led to facts and feelings I really wish weren't true, even though I still I am glad I saw them.

I am NOT in competition with OW anymore

t/j Hopefull77, I'm hoping you can tell me what helped get you to this place, I'm envious.

I wanted to know everything.....

Most of the stuff came out in dribs and drabs....it was awful. My H was the great minimizer........nothing was ever his fault, but he was the enabler..went along with whatever she wanted, nothing was his idea blah, blah, blah.

At some point, all that really mattered to me was that he was no longer seeing her, ended it right and was willing to give me what I needed to heal and really understood just how badly he hurt me.

It took a LONG time until he understood how, from my point of view, he went along with everything she wanted and then was resistant in giving me what I needed...basically, you can do this for OW but you can't do it for your wife?

Be careful, I didn't ask too much about the sex. It clearly was drunk sex, I was more hurt by the daily contact and emotional involvement. Which at some point, he claims, the whole thing became NOT FUN, but was told he was in a very vulnerable position...

Didact

I am not sure when I figured it out...maybe when I wrote that statement on this thread??!!! It felt good to write it actually...

I know he really knows how much this has hurt me....I know in the beginning he had guilt because she divorced her husband a year into their 2 year affair....with the help of his IC he knows she owns that decision...he tells me me he told her many times he didn't think he could leave our marriage....he has owned his OWN selfish choices and tells me all the time he thanks God every day that I am here...he was scared and unhappy those 2 years....

I believe she means NOTHING to him...his actions prove to me and himself that he/we are in this for the long haul...

Yes she will be a part of our marital history...but that's what it is ...HISTORY....

we are approaching 19 months out...time plays a big factor in this most definitely....

I try every day to think THIS IS NOW THAT WAS THEN...

I don't know if I have helped you but if your souse is remorseful and doing everything right...she will become a nothing....

onward and FORWARD! !!!

Easier said then done....but everyone here will tell you whether you D or R this shit takes HARD work...

I wish you peace!

I can't PM yet, but Hopefull77 that has been he most promising thing I have read/heard in days. Thank you

Didact

I realized after I wrote this that you are a guy. So I apologize for saying her instead of him!!!

But it doesn't change what I said!

today was an emotional day for me...someone I work wth had Avery serious surgery...it made me feel how precious life is...I just want to move forward I love my H ....he loves me...take it one day at at at a time..know what you want...read about forgiveness...I am learning its more for me...I wish you peace!

what about sex acts that they did and we didn't - and then did. Only now I know why.

Did anyone have this? How do you feel about that - grateful that your sex life has opened up or disgusted that it took the A to bring them out?

yeah this. What really was hard for me was noticing the new things in the bedroom in retrospect. WH A was LTA over long distance, very few meet ups. During this time period, we continued to be married and have sex. We had been each other's only partners for over 20 years (both had prior partners), so anything new stood out. Now after d day, I was left to consider every move and realize that some were likely new tricks from the A. This didn't sit well for me.

I am in the camp of those who earlier advised you to sit on any questions and think about whether you want the answer and why. I was lucky enough not to suffer from many mind movies, and WH also answered all my questions honestly. I did think about questions for a day or so before asking them, from about 6 months out from d day.

t/j

Didact:

Every single detail of the A belong to the M, and are no longer special between WW and OM.

That need for detail has led to facts and feelings I really wish weren't true, even though I still I am glad I saw them.

I didn't see everything. I saw enough for me. MarriedOW was somewhat of a pro, and she controlled the account through which they communicated. She changed passwords and deleted WH access on d day. I saw enough sext and IMs between them to have a good idea. And I saw the messages which were sent to me or intended for my consumption. (I knew of the friendship and even their get togethers with other (invisible, fictional) friends)

But I did want to understand what happened and how. One of the most difficult things that we did, but which helped me immeasurably (although it almost ended our M) was to have him provide me with an oral timeline of the A and his feelings, situated in the timeline of our M, and in the presence of our MC. It really made it clear that there is no space for secrets and fond memories with MarriedOW and of the A. It is a part of our marital history which i must accept. Like another poster said, it is history though.

end t/j

This is a good thread. For me, I wanted to know everything, I still do. Questions continue to pop into my head almost 6 months out. It feels like a way to control the situation--I was kept in the dark for a year and a half and I want to know EVERYTHING about what was really going on in that time. But, it's not without it's consequences...the answer about did she have a Brazilian wax didn't bother me (no), the answer about how tall she is did (she's 5'9" to my 5'5"). So, like all things...be careful what you wish for!

Shirley Glass the author of "Not just Friends" very much advocates full and complete disclosure of all the details as a way to help the Betrayed Spouse heal.

Good luck.