SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BH here and I'm a cop. Please don't be offended by what I have to say and I'm sorry if anything I do say hurts you it isn't my intention. I'm also new at this so cut me a little slack.

Dear he is abusing you and your children. It isn't borderline as your therapist said. I've been as angry as any other BS. I've said some things to WW that I regret. While I have struggled with it I've never really called her whore or anything. It is tough when you feel second best after an affair. I'm not judging mind you, but it is tough for the BS to accept.

But here is the thing. I love her and she is the mother of my children. She will always be the mother of my children and for that reason alone I treat her with respect. It isn't always easy but I do it for my kids and myself. I won't be an abuser and I would never hurt my kids intentionally.

If he can't stop what he is doing. Call the police, it is domestic violence in most states. The police can help you if you ask. Someone posted your in a no win situation but here is the thing. That wasn't your choice you are still there and you have tried. If he isn't willing to try someone needs to leave. You have to protect yourself and your kids. I'm not gonna lie it will get ugly and he will probably get even more nasty. But he needs a slap upside the head. He is angry I get it, but if he ever cared about you and your kids. He's got to move past the rage. Be it R or D. Someone has to take the first step forward.

I wish you the best of luck.

I am speaking as a BW here. Believe me I understand his anger and I have said some pretty nasty things to my BH but NEVER within earshot of the kids. It's not fair to them. If he cannot control his anger in front of the kids you need to protect them and if that means filing than so be it. I'm puzzeled as to why he keeps pressing you to file and not just do it himself if that's what he want. The spitting-that's just abusive.

Please consider this empirical fact:

Often the first episode of physical abuse is a betrayed spouse being abused by the wandering spouse. Some researchers think its a control problem where the philanderer has to take back control after their wayward activities have been uncovered.

The second most common commencement for abusive situations is when a wayward WIFE is abused by a BETRAYED HUSBAND. This one makes more sens to most except psychologists and researchers. You see men are most likely to pursue a divorce after discovering a cheating wife. For the men that choose to stay may be asserting their control and dominance with a different unhealthy tactic. If he has spit in your face in the past month then you absolutely must take action.

You need to get into marriage counseling so that their is a professional counselor who is aware of your situation. I would suggest that you find a licensed psychology to work with him because episodic rage is a precursor to manslaughter. He honestly can not control himself when the rage takes control of his thought processes. A Psych can help him develop coping skills. I would hope that you could find a good counselor. You will have Family of Origin issues and very likely a significant trust violation somewhere in your childhood. Once you start coming to terms with who you are then you can do more to help your husband. You should continue to apologize for your very bad behavior and tell him it is 100% your fault. Tell him you wish you had taken a different path in your unhappiness. NEVER BLAME HIM especially if he is rageful

double post

[This message edited by angerisme at 2:46 PM, June 7th (Saturday)]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

I disappeared because we've been dealing with his moms cancer and I am trying to get all her treatments set up. She lives with us, and I care for her.

Good news is he hasn't spit or thrown anything in the last couple weeks. His words haven't been nice, but that's nothing new. I can't ask him to not speak the way he does because his response is always "I am speaking truth and there is nothing wrong with that."

I am seeing my counselor still. Our oldest daughter is now also seeing her. His work schedule isn't allowing him to go to IC or couples. She diagnosed him with OCD a while back, though, and says that is part of his reactions. She also has me reading a book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" about BPD because she said the way he splits between love and hate and always has makes her think of that and thinks it will help me with some boundaries.

I totally flipped out on him last week and it got a few days of quiet around here. I have told him I am going to do everything I can to "be an open book". All passwords are saved on my computer to all sites, I track all purchases made and save all receipts, he has full access to phone logs both cell and house and also gets an email copy of every text message that comes and goes from my phone. I tell him who I am talking to any time I am on the phone and let him check my phone for all messages and calls when he is home and my phone goes off. I call from the house phone and text every time I leave the house and every time I return. Anyway, last week our oldest daughter (8) wet the bed. I didn't think too much of it as accidents happen. I told my mom about it on the phone just because I talked to her literally 2 mins after I found out. Fast forward a few hours later when I talked to hubby and I didn't mention anything about the wet bed because I forgot. It wasn't noteworthy in my mind.

That evening my mom was talking to my husband and mentioned it. She was using it to point out that outbursts in front of the kids are doing harm. Anyway, he flipped out on me. Said because I told her about the wet bed and NOT him, I was proving I couldn't be trusted, I was not holding up my deal to be an open book and being honest like I said I would and that because of my dishonesty and lack of transparency we were back at the beginning with the trust. Something in me snapped.

I tried to reason with him but when he told me I had had plenty of chances and this was the last straw, I simply started yelling that I would gladly divorce him over this one. There had to be some sort of boundary for what an open book was and wasn't. I then told him I was leaving with the children within the next 30 mins and if he wanted to say goodbye that was the time frame.

He got home and we all left. I ended up only being gone for a couple hours before I returned. He said he was sorry he over reacted. He should have handled it a bit better, etc, etc... I apologized for snapping so quickly.

i KNOW I have his healing to endure. But I feel like there should be some sort of reasonable boundaries. The counselor even wanted him to write out for us both to sign what exactly an open book meant to him so that I could be clear in what he needed from me. he has refused that. He said I should just know. Some days I feel like he refuses to give me clear lines so that he can tell me I have failed him yet again and have destroyed everything every couple days...

Anyway, he realized how close I am to leaving and it had him calmer for a couple days. Tomorrow is my next counseling. Will continue to talk to her about setting and maintaining reasonable personal boundaries WITHOUT losing my temper like I did this past time. last night was another ugly night... praying for a better one tonight....

Yeah, well I was REALLY mad at 6 months. Homicidal. WS had told me he had to work all these extra hours and I was picking up all the slack and when I found out why I was mad. Here's what I did: I broke things (the large amethyst I bought for his bd, the photo of him with my favorite dog, dishes), I broke my hand (twice!)pounding it down on the table. I threw a pair of rose clippers and they nearly missed WH and hit my car. I once hit his leg while I was pounding my hand down, trying to break it a third time. Yeah, I understand angry, crazy angry.

Is this going to go away? What do you think? I don't do those things anymore. Now when I'm really mad I tell him that perfect revenge would be him getting to have her 24/7. I haven't broken anything in a year, at least. I don't call him names although I do remind him that his word isn't worth much to me.

Is it abusive and should you leave? I think you need to discuss this with him. At the end of the day you are individuals and NOBODY should put up with a spit cup on their head or abusive language. He is free to leave. What you did is 1 - in the past and 2 - not ethical. What he is doing now is potentially criminal and damaging to you and the kids. He needs to see this and to put it in perspective. If he can't accept it HE CAN LEAVE.

I hope you and your kids AND your husband stay safe.

Is it abusive and should you leave? I think you need to discuss this with him.

There should be no discussion with face spitting, tobacco juice being dumped on one's head or with ashtrays being lobed at the face IMO. Especially with children in the picture. If they were to witness such things, it is reportable and things will get messier for all parties involved.

What he is doing now is potentially criminal and damaging to you and the kids.

Which is why any spouse regardless of gender needs to get out and take children and pets with them.

He needs to see this and to put it in perspective. If he can't accept it HE CAN LEAVE.

Ideally this is correct. However trying to reason with someone throwing bodily fluids and objects around is futile.

Anyway, last week our oldest daughter (8) wet the bed. I didn't think too much of it as accidents happen.

This and

That evening my mom was talking to my husband and mentioned it. She was using it to point out that outbursts in front of the kids are doing harm.

Is a sign of distress. Most 8 year olds do not wet the bed (moms please correct me if needed) but if she is being exposed to outbursts there is a high chance they are related.

The counselor even wanted him to write out for us both to sign what exactly an open book meant to him so that I could be clear in what he needed from me. he has refused that.

Is your counselor aware of the physical abuse he's shown you? If not, I'd be very concerned. I have been in the mental health field and I will tell you, when signs of abuse are shown, especially physical, everything else is shelved and your personal safety becomes the focus.

Anyway, he realized how close I am to leaving and it had him calmer for a couple days.

Classic abuse cycle. You make a threat, he straightens up and makes a promise, sees it gets you into a space he wants, behavior will continue.

This is not a Wayward and Betrayed situation. It's an abusive and manipulative one.

Spitting, throwing ANYTHING at you is totally unacceptable (erm, unless you spat at him or threw something at him first) The kids seeing or hearing this is totally unacceptable also.

As a BH I totally get the language though, but you should be seeing a slow down of this after a few weeks.

Have you thought about say 5-10 minutes a day where he can rant and rave at you, but once the time is up he has to stop?

I don't know everything about your station but for me things run along nicely for a week or two, things bubble up in my head but not enough to say anything. Then bang, something happens and it all comes out.

Much better to try and schedule something. And at least you know when the "slot" finishes.

He has a lot of anger, and rightly so. But he must control this as best he can and let it out in a way that you are ok with.

It's a long road...

[This message edited by mozzchops at 7:16 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

I am a BS, but my God, what you are going through is horrific. I am new to this site, so I am not too wise, but I can tell you that talking to a domestic violence person has helped me. We are devising a 'plan', so if it does get too scary or dangerous, I can just up and go. If you have a plan, you will likely feel safer in the moment, and this will help you and your kids now, in the immediate situation. I too wonder if his rage existed before any Affair. He is in a lot of pain which he needs to address honestly so he does not replace the pain with rage and put you and your kids in danger. I do not know if it is ok to recommend books on this web-site, but I will go ahead and suggest a book that may help him deal now with his anger. It is called When Anger Hurts, 1989, by McKay, McKay, and Rogers. It was recommended to me by my therapist for my anger problems, and helped me very very much. Look after yourself.

Revised opinion: If you leave (and it sounds like good reasons you should) you should take the kids and go someplace safe AND THEN tell him (over the phone) that you are leaving.

No stop sign, so ...

I was lied to and cheated on for three years — in fact, 1.5 years after DDay the trickle-truth still hasn't stopped. If I posted all the details of what she did, it would probably make your blood run cold. So yeah, I'm pretty angry at my GF 24/7.

And for all that, I don't even think the kinds of things your husband says. Let alone does.

This has gone too far and too long, and there can be no healing for either of you if it doesn't stop. You have to go to marriage counseling. Either that or just file the damn divorce papers so you can both move on with new but separate lives.

You don't deserve this kind of abuse and he's not helping himself or his marriage this way.

[This message edited by capilot at 11:45 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Everyone makes mistakes. Not one person on this earth is perfect, and given the right circumstances, every person is capable of committing a terrible wrong. Every person. Please forgive yourself and stop accepting his abuse. You are a human being and you deserve love and respect. You deserve it! Please, get yourself and your children away from him.

[This message edited by tangledknot at 12:28 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

I'm sure it is very confusing, my heart goes out to you. I don't really care if it's been a pattern prior to dday or not, this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Having an affair is unacceptable and divorce worthy. So is the abuse you are enduring and your children are witnessing. Please make a plan, be safe, protect yourself and your children. Strength and courage your way.