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I love how he doesn't follow any of the damn rules and yet it's YOU out to get him. The lack of self responsibility is astounding. For the love of all that is Holy, please let lightning strike him stupid because the ignorance is getting exhausting.

this weekend Teslet will be traveling with his family to Illinois on a camping trip, I will forward you an address and specific dates.

Does he mean THIS coming up weekend?!? Today is fucking Wednesday night, and just when the fuck did he plan on telling you where the fuck he is going to be? Yeah, Fucktard, you have to give an address and specific dates. I believe we have a 2-week clause on that one, so I would check your paperwork and hopefully be able to tell him to shove it up his ass and that *HIS* family can go enjoy their fucking vacation.

Grrrr. All those little jabs and threats of his. Someone needs to hold my earrings..

Ugh, these asswipes that don't even SUPPORT THEIR FUCKING CHILDREN and then demand all sorts of crazy shit with the schedule, like the world revolves around them?!? The world should revolve around TESLET you fucking assclown! So stop fucking bickering about bullshit and follow the damn rules already!

UGH! Having lived through this crap, it's a total trigger for me. I wish I could take you out for a nice evening of R and R. These motherfuckers know how to get my heart pounding, and I know yours must be! I try to only allow their fuckery to make me go , but sometimes I can't help the !!!!!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:06 PM, June 4th (Wednesday)]

I don't know what else to say except I am so sorry you are dealing with him.

Wow, he sure is spinning himself into the ground on this one eh?

Oh, and FTG.

((((tesla)))) It's utterly exhausting to read. I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to have to actually deal with this brain damage over and over again. Sending you tons of strength, honey.

He probably won't even show up given his history.

That.is.all.

Regarding the documentation he owes: if you have an open case with the court (not sure if you do), you can (and should) file a motion to compel and have your attorney add a fine for every day he is non-compliant. That gets their attention really fast.

Cat

I don't know how you do it!!

F.T.G. Fuck him with rusted needle nosed pliers up his stupid fucking ass.

I am tired. And stressed.

We were not home today. Got a text from ex-shat at 3:30 asking if Teslet would be ready at 4.

I didn't respond.

At 6, I get a text from him saying that he will pick Teslet up tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. I don't respond. Then he calls and leaves a VM asking for Teslet to call him.

On our way home, I tell Teslet that dad will be here tomorrow around dinner time to pick him up. Teslet says, "remember how dad says that he should be able to pick me up from daycare? Why don't you let him pick me up, he says that he should be able to get me."

Me: "Well, we have rules that we are following and the rules say that dad picks you up at dinner time or at 4:00."

Teslet: "Does dad have a list of rules?"

Me: "I don't know, maybe."

Teslet: "but he can't be wrong, are you making a mistake?"

Me: "I don't think so. I guess I could read you the rules. Maybe dad is reading the rules too fast. Sometimes when people read too fast, they make mistakes."

Okay, conversation moves on.

Get home, and around 7:30, have Teslet call his dad...I put it on speaker and I go into the kitchen.

First thing Teslet asks is if ex-shat has a calendar with the days and the rules on it. He says he knows the rules. Teslet then brings up the daycare pick-ups and says that I said he made a mistake about that. Ex-shat says that 'mom is wrong.' Ex-shat asks if I told Teslet when he's coming to get teslet tomorrow. Teslet says he doesn't know. Ex-shat says he's coming to get him at 9 in the morning. teslet says that 'mom said you are coming at dinner time.' Ex-shat says that mom is wrong and is making up rules. It kept getting worse. He said I'm making up the rules...that I don't know what I'm doing. That he knows the rules. That he was there to get Teslet today but mom had a police officer come out to arrest him but the police officer says that mom is making up the rules and is wrong. Teslet says, hang on, I'll tell mom that she's not doing the rules right. He comes out to tell me and I say, "Why don't you tell dad about your day." He goes back to tell dad about his day...but within 30 seconds it's back onto how I don't know what I'm doing.

My kid is going to get mind-fucked for the next month he is with ex-shat.

This is bad...I suppose I should have stopped the phone call...but let's be real...this is what my kid is going to get fed the next month and at least I have something that I've heard with my own ears to work with.

So after the phone call, Teslet is like, dad wouldn't be wrong, he wouldn't say that unless you were making the mistake. I tried talking with him, but he was not ready to listen so we did something else for awhile. At bed time after reading him a story, I talked to him about what he heard. I reminded him that ex-shat and I are supposed to be following a judge's rules but we were having an argument over the rules. I told him we both thought we were right but either one of us is wrong or we both might be wrong. I asked him if he ever had an argument with a friend before...he said yes. I asked him who he went to for help with the argument. He said a teacher. I said that a teacher helps decide an argument so the person that is wrong can fix their mistake. Mom and dad are having and argument about the rules and we need to have the judge help us with our argument. Teslet says, "so you both might be wrong." I'm like, yep, we might be and if the judge tells mom that she's wrong, she is going to apologize and fix her mistake. And if dad is wrong he should apologize and fix his mistake. Then I made him a pinky swear that if he ever had a question about anything that I would give him an answer. And I also promised him that I would not talk about the argument that dad and I were having to him anymore because that wasn't fair to Teslet.

Okay, so he falls asleep.

I get ahold of my neighbor (I asked her to keep an eye on the place this afternoon). She says, "Was he blowing up your phone at 4?" I said no, I didn't even think he came over. She said he came over at 4 on the dot. Knocked on the door. When no one answered, he pounded on the door. When no one answered, he started yelling, "Teslet! Teslet!" over and over again. He did this for 10 minutes. Then he got in his car, turned it around and backed up by my garage. He got out and kept yelling "Teslet!" My neighbor said he was screaming it loud and clear. After another 10 minutes of this, my neighbor called 911. SHe relayed what was going on and a police officer came out. When the officer was talking to ex-shat, my neighbor said that she couldn't hear the officer but could hear ex-shat loud and clear...he was saying, "I know she's in there and she won't come out....she's in there!" The officer talked with him for about 10/15 minutes. Another officer drove by. The officer talking to ex-shat left (There is an excellent vantage spot of my house down the street...cops always park there to get speeders...I have no doubt someone was parked there.) Ex-shat stayed another 10 minutes in his car and then left. This was from 4:00-4:50 today.

Not happy about the crazy...but extremely grateful that there is a 911 call and an officer report. BTW, officer did not knock on my door. No officers have stopped by tonight or made contact.

I have an email to write to my lawyer...she was already in contact with his lawyer today and made the summer visitation schedule explicitly clear. I'm sure his lawyer has attempted at least one contact. Obviously, I'm sending her another email. God, how I wish this 4-way was happening tomorrow. This next month is going to be pure hell.

GEEEZ, I can't tell you HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES I told my ex that HE WASN'T ALLOWED TO INVOLVE THE CHILDREN IN THE SCHEDULE.

Just "Mom and dad are handling it," and give the kid a fucking break! WhyTheFuck is he acting like a nutcase? Like the cops are REALLY gonna give the kid to the guy outside screaming and hollering like a mad man banging on the door. Enough to have a concerned neighbor call the cops. What a dumbass.

It was right there in black and white in the administrative orders WHEN I FILED THE DIVORCE to NOT put the children in the middle of divorce issues. Your ex is a fucking alienating piece of shit. He's not thinking about TESLET, his welfare, or his emotional health ONE BIT.

I swear, he's just like my ex. He just HAS to have Teslet love him more than he loves you. And these fucking pieces of shit don't realize our children ARE ALLOWED TO LOVE BOTH OF US. And that their fuckery is going to be their downfall.

My heart bleeds for you having to be away from him for so long. But Teslet is a supersmart little guy. He KNOWS someone is lying, and I'm sure your calm demeanor and consistent love is proving to him who he should trust.

It's SOO annoying these MFers keep pulling this crap, but unless your kids are pulling away from you, I say just keep calm and keep moving on. This douche is going to hang himself AGAIN. And this time the consequence won't just be losing money. It will be losing the respect of his son.

((((Teslet's heart and brain))))).....From here on out the only thing that I would say to Teslet is : "You know that I love you and you know that I don't lie , so I usually do what I say I'm going to do and I promise you whenever I make a mistake I will always tell you"

Be prepared to not hear from Teslet for the next month.

Changing the dynamic can be painful, but I remember clearly that it was necessary. I remember when you were very accommodating and willing to adjust the schedule, but he kept taking advantage.

I'll bet he felt like an idiot coming home without Teslet because I'm sure he was bragging to stripper girl about how he was gonna get Teslet no matter what. Just like he showed up to court without a lawyer because he was so arrogant and full of himself.

I know that you're stressed, but try to keep your head up.

((Tesla)) we can't protect them from this fuckery but we can help them cope with it.

In a few years Teslet will understand exactly what his dad is doing. He'll also see how you are handling it differently. Right now he thinks all grown ups tell the truth. You and he just need to get through this shit part first.

I told him we both thought we were right but either one of us is wrong or we both might be wrong.

My 6 year old asked me why I never tell her her dad is wrong when he always says I am wrong. My response was ^^THIS. I told her that it is his and my job to work this out and if we can't agree a judge will help us.

She said she doesn't like it when he says I'm wrong all the time. I told her I am sorry she it made her feel yuck and that I wouldn't like it either.

He tells her I am wrong about the food we eat, the clothes/shoes they wear, what we do, where we go - everything. She comes back telling me all the shit he says and I tell her that might be his opinion. I don't agree. We don't need to agree. She tells me she doesn't believe him anyway and doesn't understand why he says not nice things. I told her I don't either

Can you record these mind-fucking phone calls? This is parental alienation not to mention really damaging to Teslet. I can't believe he doesn't see that - or doesn't care. Even if what he was saying was true how on earth does it help Teslet cope with any of this?

He told him the cop said you were wrong - again abusing positions of authority by lying to give his story more merit.

It must be so confusing for the kids.

I also don't understand how they can squander precious time with their kids just to mind fuck them. I guess I've never had an NPD rage.

This next month is going to be unpleasant. I feel for Teslet - imagine one of your parents telling you awful things about the other parent. Being made to feel like you have to agree or join in to win your dads love. I know my girls do it and I know it makes them feel like shit about themselves. My big girl tells me all the bad things her dad does. I can tell when she is making it up and it makes me sad that she thinks she needs to win love let alone in this way.

In quiet moments we talk about it and she said she doesn't know why she makes it up - she thought it would make me happy. I told her lies never make anyone happy and that I am happy when she is being herself, I'm happy when we can talk/cuddle/play.

It is so awful I could weep.

It doesn't bond them to him - it breaks the bonds.

You just keep tending to your bonds. It's a long term project and just as he won't see the damage until much later you won't see the rewards until much later too.

Sending you mamma hugs Tesla. I wish you and Teslet didn't have to face this but I'm sure glad he has you.

(((Tesla and Teslet)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I also want to thank you for posting all about what you're going through. I recently got The Arse to agree our parenting plan and thanks to hearing how your ex just can't/won't understand the schedule, I specified which weekends of each month rather than EOW, which days take precedence, split holidays but maximum of 2 weeks at a time, etc. It's very clear and no mistaking it, but without what you'd shared, I'd have a parenting plan full of holes.

ETA:

Are you allowed to use a VAR in your state? It's blatant parent alienation.

The Arse tried some low level stuff recently. I ended up explaining that what he'd said wasn't true and then showed Softkid1 the thing in question because Softkid1 thought I was lying to him. I hated that moment. But I've decided I can only be age appropriately honest with him so Softkid1 knows he can trust me. He's already heard The Arse lie to me about something he had said to Softkid1...I hate that these selfish people put us in this horrible position!

[This message edited by Softcentre at 1:47 AM, June 6th, 2014 (Friday)]

There is a saying in divorce: “Protect the child. By all means, protect the child.”

My heart cringes when I see your posts and the ultra-dramatic way your issues seem to unfold. Your X has the hills he’s willing to die on; you have yours. In the meantime there is this little pickle in the middle.

I D’ed AJ’s dad when he was 10 months old due to infidelity. I knew I’d be in for a hell of a ride at sea with him and he quickly proved me right. I fought for years trying to get my CS paid to me (this was during the pre-enforcement days) and a more set and scheduled visitation. Hearing after hearing, dollar after dollar, up to coming *this close* to putting a sandwich board around my neck and protesting about what a deadbeat dad he was in front of his company. It seemed the harder I tried, the harder he pushed back, but I had something worth fighting for, right?

When I started to see changes in my child, I stopped. Cold turkey stopped. If he paid, he paid. I knew down the road that his debt wouldn’t go unpaid forever. If he chose to see his son, he saw him – I didn’t force the issue nor did I make it hard for him (or his family), knowing full well the ownership of their lost relationship would be on him. The results were a happier child, back child support paid to me until AJ was a junior in college and unfortunately, a relationship between the two of them that will never be what it could have been.

IMHO, a child still young enough for a bedtime story and getting tucked in is too young to be coached on “the rules” of visitation. Hell, any child of divorce is. Surely, Tesla with your years here you know that and you know those conversations can and should be stopped.

Now, the hills worth dying on have an added price of your child getting to hear neighborhood stories about how “Your daddy was beating your mommy’s door down.”

Yes, he’s an ass. There is documented proof of that. Yes, he tries to make it hard for you. Yes, he pushes your buttons. However, as there is no guiding him, I implore you to revisit the hills you are choosing here. You (both) get one crack at your child’s happiness.

AJ’s MOM

AJ's Mom - I'm glad it worked out for you, but a true NPD doesn't get reasonable. My dad is one. The softer your boundaries, the more advantage they take, seeing you as weak. IME, there is no win-win with an NPD, because the NPD is aiming for spirit crushing domination and if you're not with them, you're against them. I suspect this is why my mum has stayed with my dad. I have learnt to have strong boundaries with my dad and he has begrudgingly learnt to respect them,because I don't reward his bad behaviour with ego kibbles....but it took many years & keeping myself away as much as possible and he still tries it on.

If this is what Tesla is dealing with (& it sounds like it) she has to be firm on boundaries or he will just erode them until nothing is left. The big issue is not the hill she has chosen, but how to help Teslet when his dad has already tried to use him to manipulate. How to handle that with the least harm?

Can you record these mind-fucking phone calls? This is parental alienation not to mention really damaging to Teslet

^^^This!

I grew up with my mom always bad mouthing my dad. (they weren't/aren't divorced ) All it did was make me mad at my mom and really lowered my respect for her.

While my heart aches for you and Teslet, I know that Teslet will see through ex-shat's bullshit. No way ex-shat can keep up the deception for a whole month. The truth will always find a way out.

I think you are handling this wonderfully.

AJ'smom -- I agree with your viewpoint, however I don't see how that approach will work for Tesla's situation. Reading between your lines, it seems that your issue with your ex (besides the non-payment of CS) was that he was hit-or-miss when it came to spending time with AJ.

I believe that if Tes takes an "ok, sure, ex-shat, whatever" stance on the placement issue.....she would very rarely see Teslet because ex-shat (well, stripperwhore actually) would 'have' him all the time......because having 'possession' of Teslet *proves* that he's a 'good' father (with the subtle implication that he's *better* than Tesla). Ex-shat is an image-driven boundary buster. As much as Teslet shouldn't have to know about "the rules", he has to because of ex-shat's conduct. "The Rule" was that ex-shat's vacation w/ Teslet started today at 6. Ex-shat was 'aware' of that and Teslet had been told that. Of course, that didn't fit into how Ex-shat wanted it to work, so instead of having his L call Tesla's L......he tells his 5 year old that he *tried* to come to get him but MOMMY CALLED THE POLICE AND HAD HIM ARRESTED!

(he demanded a phone call to Teslet for the sole purpose of *tattling* on Tesla. Are you fucking kidding me?????)

As Centre alluded to -- Tes is in a no-win situation here. Ex-shat doesn't have 'consideration' or 'compromise' in his vocabulary. He seems to want what he wants, when he wants it and if he doesn't get it......then he doesn't seem to care what type of damage he inflicts or who gets hurt in the process. <--That is going to happen regardless of how accommodating Tesla is.

Tesla, ex-shat's behavior's are going to have a detrimental impact on Teslet. One of the worst things to do to kids is to involve them in issues that they have NO control over -- and that is exactly what ex-shat is doing and I really don't know if there's a darn thing that you can do to make him stop. I think your only defense is to minimize the damage as much as you can. Continued counseling, perhaps.

Also, Teslet knows there are *rules* in place that are enforced by a judge, and that's enough knowledge for him to have. Don't pull out the rules and let him read them -- he's not the arbiter here (although I *see* why you offered that).

It REALLY upsets me that ex-shat is forcing Teslet to deal with *parent* issues......and I have no words to describe how horrified I was when I read that he told Teslet that you had him arrested.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:56 AM, June 6th (Friday)]

(((Tesla et al)))