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nogoodap1 - I am trying to write this to help you but also to reinforce for me.

I did the same things you did, try to force change for your BS. I am a selfish POS too. I think you are judging what you need without really figuring out what you need.

I want to see someone I'm just scared of the first step. Or that I'm gonna be a good judge of character and know that the guy is either gonna mess me up more or make me someone she can look at again if she stays.

Fear can be paralyzing. I have let fear dominate my choices and it makes things infinitely worse. My BS said something very wise, only you can fix you, you have to want to do it and do it. Gently, you're looking for someone to fix you. I know because I was the same way and am only just starting to get through. Refusing to go to a group SAA or SLAA meeting is narrow minded thinking. ETA: I went to my first group meeting last week and I didn't want to admit I belonged there or that was really what I have made of my life, but then I opened up and talked and shared. You say you have no one to turn to for support, this is a perfect example of people that won't judge you, you can listen and observe or participate. You will only get out of it what you put in. Am I proud of what brought me to the group meeting? No, but it's not going to change with me sitting around feeling angry and ashamed. So I'm going to keep going, keep trying.

I think you're afraid of accepting the label. Who cares about the label. You and your actions define you, you don't have to have SA put in your eulogy or on your tombstone, but I bet you want a loving family surrounding you when it's your time to go.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain but you have to be honest with yourself. I lied to myself and wouldn't face things until recently. If you don't like what you see in the mirror, don't blame the mirror.

[This message edited by LostTime at 3:54 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

Here are some free or nearly free sources of help--aside from the counseling. These are steps listed in the "Spouses of Sex Addicts" thread in the "I Can Relate" forum.

For SAs:

The SA must seek treatment with a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist]

12 step meetings are mandatory for SAs.


Online resources for SAs:

Find a CSAT: http://www.sexhelp.com/sex-addiction-help/sex-addiction-therapists


Sexaholics Anonymous: (Recommended by most CSATS, more stringent definition of healthy sexual behavior) At this site there is information for the SA and spouse that may be helpful. http://www.sa.org/

SAA: 
 http://saa-recovery.org/

SLAA: http://www.slaafws.org/ (for sex and love addicts)

Recovery Nation is an online community with online recovery workshops for both the SA and the spouse. (This should not replace seeing a CSAT (see below) and going to SA meetings (see above) for the sex addict but is a great addition to those things.) http://www.recoverynation.com

http://www.candeocan.com This is an excellent source of information. They focus on the porn aspect of SA.

Book Resources for SAs:

To fully understand SA you both need to do some reading. If he doesn't face his addiction you should still do the reading to help yourself and decide what you want.

1. 
Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, by Patrick Carnes (workbook).

2. Recovery Zone, Patrick Carnes (workbook).

3. A Gentle Path, Patrick Carnes.

4. Hope and Freedom For Sexual Addicts and Their Partners, by Milton Magness.

5. Stop Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness.

6. Porn Nation by Michael Leahy, for SAs that are addicted to Porn.

Hi nogoodap1,

I hope that you were successful in finding a CSAT and that you are working on things, one day at a time. Let us know how you are doing.

BS here.

Looking for exactly the right kind of perfect IC is a way to not do this. You could find someone with all the right credentials and they still might not help you much. You could start seeing someone who's not exactly perfect who could help you, or could START to help you. Finding a good fit IC can take time under the best of circumstances. Get started with somene acceptable and keep looking for someone better for your situation. In fact, a decent IC will be able to refer you to someone skilled in other areas.

Don't want to spend the money needlessly -- find a way to find the money. What can you give up? Lattes? Health club membership? If you aren't genuinely living close to the bone, you probably are throwing money away on *something*. Start throwing it at IC.

You need to show that you're serious about this. Really, these do sound like excuses, and even if they are not, I expect your BS will hear them that way.

It's good that you're trying. Keep working at it...

Get started with someone acceptable and keep looking for someone better for your situation. In fact, a decent IC will be able to refer you to someone skilled in other areas.

This is completely correct. At the beginning, you have no idea what you need. It takes time to begin to think and talk in a way that makes IC productive. That is, looking back, I didn't get much done the first three months of IC. The last 4 have been really productive. A big part of that is because the first couple of months of IC were good practice for me. Just like an exercise program, I think there is a period where I was working on those "muscles" in a new way.

The point is, you have no idea where IC is going to take you. If you think that only one specific person can help, then you are going to shut out everything else. That is not going to help.

WW here..

If you haven't done so yet I suggest going and reading the articles section. Each article provides some perspective.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/articles.asp

There at one point was a great article titled "Understanding your betrayed spouse- A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners" I can't find it on there anymore but have a copy of it I printed off and read it daily. Sometimes more than once. It is very insightful, if someone has a link to it that would be great.

You need to take that first step though. If you love your GF and want to make things work you have to be willing to work for it. It's not easy, it hurts like hell, but that hurt is nothing compared to what your BGF is feeling.

Well we found a good CSAT. And my first appointment is next month. He trained under Patrick carnes. So fingers crossed!!!!