SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SOS,

I know you are doing the 'wait & see' but I vote for filing for D asap. Reason being, I look for her to come to you with a plead for a [false] R just prior to the six-month window. My reasoning is:

- She is living in a friend's spare room, that gets old quick for everyone.

- Her AP is not stellar (drinker living with parents). So he is not in the position to appear like a white knight and rescue her.

- You paid for everything up til now. It is a 8itch when you realize that money tree has been cut down.

- You are in a weak spot where it appears you would welcome her back if she gave you some song & dance.

You can not help the first time you were blindsided and hurt by her A. BUT you can help it now. She has made a choice to continue to see AP. Believe what she is telling you.

And for gosh sakes - STOP meeting her for lunch or whatever. As everyone else said - she is not your friend. She is someone that took your trust and had (and is continuing to) an affair.

Yes - it is hard, sickening, lonely, painful and, and, and.....but you CAN do this. THERE is light on the other side!!

In answer to Craig2001 the vitriolic texts from the AP were sent to my WW.

I have drafted a letter below. Again any feedback would be appreciated.

Dear WW,

BH

I think it's ok. But I think it's a little too verbose. I realize you have a lot of feelings involved and you want to get them out. But it appears like you're pleading. The comment about "if you think AP is a good catch" etc.

I would be short and sweet.

eg:

WW. I'm afraid I can't continue like this anymore. I've tried to be understanding for the last several weeks because I love you. But I find I simply can't do this anymore. It is just too much for me to bare that you are cheating on me. Therefore I'm afraid I've determined that if you can't stop the affair immediately, no later than tomorrow, and move back home. I'm going to file for divorce. It's not what I want. But I've finally realized I can't share my wife anymore.

Please consider your decision carefully. If I don't hear from you by tomorrow saying you want to come home and be my wife again, I will file for divorce and begin separating our assets.

You are still coming off as pleading with her to please stop and you will be there and you are giving her another month to have her fun before deciding anything. Why ??? Hasn't she slept with him enough already.

You are also giving her all the power. You will take control back by moving forward with the divorce and forcing her to secure an attorney and bring reality to her sorry ass.

If she does not see and know what this is doing to you and her family she needs to be in a mental institution. She has made the choice that as long as she can have both you sitting there and the OM to bang her that is what she will do.

Only you can change that and the letter is not going to change your reality no matter what is in it.

Sorry, but that is my opinion

I think its a pretty decent letter. One line needs changing:

I'm willing to make the commitment to do everything I possibly can to save our marriage, whatever it takes

I suppose if you were wiling to do anything to save the marriage that might mean allowing your WW to see OM.

I would eliminate the 'I love you comments'. At this stage she does not love you and you expressing your vulnerability would be seen as a weakness to be exploited.

WS's are quite cruel and self-absorbed and she will take the maximum advantage out of any frailty you demonstrate. She wants you as a back up plan and doesn't really care about your personal agony. Probably thinks you deserve it.

I would not set a date for her to end her affair; just imply that its going to happen in the next few days, since you have had enough pain to last a lifetime and you need to move on and find another soulmate. Steel yourself for the strong possibility she will agree to divorce. It doesn't mean divorce is inevitable; just that she is playing power games from her position of marital dominance. Just have to stay the course; be nice and pleasant and see if she comes round to valuing your marriage.

If ever there was a time in your life where you need to be strong and determined, this is it. Show weakness and you lose everything; including your self-respect.

Above all then be honest in your letter:

I'm willing to make the commitment to do everything I possibly can to save our marriage, whatever it takes.

If that statement is true then the solution is easy:

Offer your wife the option of keeping her lover on the side. Be in a one-sided polyamorous relationship.

Have a feeling that won’t sound too good…

So be honest:

I'm willing to make the commitment to do everything I possibly can to save our marriage, but I can’t accept infidelity or sharing you.

I also suggest you take the power into your own hands:

If that is the case please do the kindest thing for both of us and let us get a divorce over and done with as soon as possible.

So if she doesn’t reply you are going to wait indefinitely?

Nah…

If that’s the case then I will do the kindest thing possible for both of us and file for divorce in the next days unless you offer some alternative.

listen to OK now. She's a woman and she has stated many times to many BHs that whining, crying, begging, pleading, giving more time, etc. is seen by a woman as weak and unattractive. Women find confident, decisive men who respect themselves as attractive. right now, you look weak. the drunk AP looks strong. you can change that if you want.

(sorry if I misquoted you OK now. I just really think a lot of BHs need to hear this. some of them just don't seem to understand.)

[This message edited by mike7 at 6:08 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

I agree with mike7 and Badhurt. Your letter has a lot of emotion in it and does give off a pleading tone. Allowing her over a month to continue her behavior?? NO WAY! You do not deserve that!!!

We understand that you love your ww and you want your marriage. Unfortunately, you have neither and I truly believe the only possible chance of saving your marriage is to say "ENOUGH!!".

If you still decide to give your ww a letter, I hope you use what mike7 wrote. We understand what you're going through and are simply trying to help you with our experiences.

I wish you the best of luck and remember, SI is always here for you.

Until you are willing to explore your relationships and your childhood issues through counselling, sadly I don't see you enjoying a settled or particularly happy future. I'm not saying this to be nasty or spiteful to you.

That is the best and most important part of the letter.

And like others have said, you are willing to do whatever it takes...you should add as long as you are willing to also do whatever it takes.

I think she already knows that means no OM in your lives.

I also like that you got in there that her wonderful OM could give her some pointers on what it's like to be cheated on.

You can also add to get that point across, every time he cuts his xwife down, he is also cutting her down.

It is a little to nice, but try it this one time. If she still doesnt reply, than be blunt and to the point.

One other thing, I have never been big on putting dates and deadlines. They come and go, and the more times they come and go without any consequences, the more meaningless they get.

Just make sure you are ready for consequences if by your deadline date, she has done nothing you asked her to do.

I'm going to tell you what I tell other BS's who choose to write letters to their WS's.

DON'T DO IT.

It's a formula to backfire on you I'm telling ya. Take it from someone who tried. It's a form of pleading and begging. It's a form of telling them "what's wrong with them." They don't want to hear that. They know they are in the wrong and don't know why they did this. But your letter is only blaming them more and will drive them away further, believe me. Best scenario is this...she GLANCES through it and tosses it aside somewhere. This comes across as you caring about the marriage more than she does right now and it does nothing but continue to give her the upper hand of power. And what are you going too feel when she doesn't respond to it? The pain is twice fold. A almost guaranty you that she won't respond the way you want her to.

Please read what I wrote earlier...you have to be willing to end the marriage to have a chance at saving the marriage. Letters to your WS do the opposite. It comes across as desperate and weak.

The only letter you should be writing is a short firm one formally asking her to leave the home (which she did) and that you are formally notifying her that you have retained a lawyer. Even that is something you don't need to write, just do it.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:42 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

As a person who tried the writing route and tried to get my exwh to really see me and remember me through that type of medium, I'm going to agree with Sean and advise you not to send the letter. You wrote a very nice, eloquent letter to her that she unfortunately will not think twice about after reading it. Unless she's not following the same script that all unremorseful waywards seem to follow, this is a waste of your time.

In my experience, your own free will and your silence are the most powerful tools you have in your arsenal. If there is anything that is going to stop them in their tracks and make them have an "oh shit" moment, it's just turning around and walking away. There is no drama, no fan fare, no final goodbye. It's just finally choosing to ignore them and their bullshit and finally deciding to take care of yourself.

The lack of notice and the fact that you just do it are what, if anything, is going to make them see that this time is different. That something inside of you has changed and that they have pushed the envelope too far. I believe it shocked the shit out of my exwh. Unfortunately, he wasn't strong enough to fight for his family. In most cases, it's just easier for them to walk away.

I know you're scared to do that because there is a good chance that she will also just walk away. There has been so much damage and people who don't like to look at the damage they've caused aren't exactly the type of people who all of a sudden dig in and do what needs to be done to fix things at all costs, KWIM? At the same time, you can't let your own fear of the unknown dictate how you live your life. She's already gone. If she ever decides to come back, it won't be because of a letter or a deal that the two of you struck over a cup of coffee. It will be because she wants her marriage like nothing she's ever wanted before and she finds the strength somewhere inside of herself to try 1,000% to get it back. It will be because she finally sees how f-ed up she is and no longer wants to live in her own messed up world.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting and that you are trying so hard to win this battle. Unfortunately, the only one you're fighting right now is yourself. Your heart doesn't want to accept what your head already knows. We've all been there and it's horrible. But it will be much more horrible if you let it go on and on and on. You're worth so much more than she's willing to give you. Don't let her take you down anymore than she already has.

Ironically I guess XP (the ex partner before me) might have been able to enlighten you a little as well!

So she cheated on him also? Was this with you, or with someone else?

Ironically I guess XP (the ex partner before me) might have been able to enlighten you a little as well!

So she cheated on him also? Was this with you, or with someone else?

No, what I understand is that the OM is divorced because his wife cheated on him and left him (the OM).

Right, he says that. Then he added the line that I quoted, so I assumed it was two different people

I'm a bit pissed (that's drunk to those of you in the US ) at the moment so forgive me.

In answer to painfulpast's question I'm ashamed to say it was with me. At least they weren't married though. Back then I was naive and a sillyyoungsod. Knowing what I know now I realise how shitty my behaviour was but in my defence WW did tell me at the time (which I was all too happy to believe) that the relationship was over with him. No doubt exactly the same blah about our relationship that she's given the AP!

I take on board everything folks have said re the letter and will amend it to be more 'in yer face' and not so pleading and whining.

The more succint alternative may be a simple text..'That's it. We're done! I'm not going to take any more of this shit. It's game over. There can only be 2 people in a marriage. All we need to do is to sort out the finances and start divorce proceedings. You've now got what you set out to do. I wish you all the best and truly hope you find the happiness you seek'.

I think that might shake her up a bit more than the letter?

I realise this situation is seriously affecting my mental/emotional health and I'm not afraid to see it through to its conclusion. Once I have some closure I will be able to move on and GAL.

I'm a bit pissed

On a light note, I am glad you clarified that, because I did interpret it "US style"!

'That's it. We're done! I'm not going to take any more of this shit. It's game over. There can only be 2 people in a marriage. All we need to do is to sort out the finances and start divorce proceedings. You've now got what you set out to do. I wish you all the best and truly hope you find the happiness you seek'.

There you go! You're a guy, so you can't put on bitch boots, but you get the idea...it's time to put 'em on.

You can do this...we're right behind you!

Sending strength....

Lala

The text is a BIG improvement on the letter. I would still just do the divorce papers and present them to her as a total shock and surprise, kind of like the shit sandwich she has given you.

All you accomplish by the text, other than feeling good for a few minutes, is give her advance warning to get her ducks or alibis in a row. If she gave a damm about what was in that text you would not have to be writing it in the first place.

It;s time for your to play "hardball"

The text is a BIG improvement on the letter. I would still just do the divorce papers and present them to her as a total shock and surprise, kind of like the shit sandwich she has given you.

All you accomplish by the text, other than feeling good for a few minutes, is give her advance warning to get her ducks or alibis in a row. If she gave a damm about what was in that text you would not have to be writing it in the first place.

It;s time for your to play "hardball"

I could not have said it better. SoS, please read and re-read this post. Don't give her any more power. Time to take that back.

The communication should be brief and to the point. It should be entirely unemotional and businesslike.

The only letter you should be writing is a short firm one formally asking her to leave the home (which she did) and that you are formally notifying her that you have retained a lawyer.

Tend to agree with SeanFLA.

'That's it. We're done! I'm not going to take any more of this shit. It's game over.

Demonstrating emotion will be seen as a weakness and will invite retaliation. You need to stick to the bare facts, that way your message will have more impact.

Agree with the folks who say no letter sent... You have no marriage now, period. How will you feel with her and the other co-cheater POS reading over your letter, laughing, and thinking even less of you? This is all now about what you need to do to have a life that is free from a remorseless, scumbag cheater who will kill your soul... Yep, your wife is a scumbag, lying, POS who seems just dandy with the status quo. You are not lowering yourself by being tough with her... She is a determined enemy, and MUST be treated as such, and never underestimate the levels to which she will stoop to have/get/keep what she wants.

JUST FILE, and start taking back control of your life. Being served will be the best "letter" you can send her. She has already driven off the reservation; filing will not make her run away further if that is the fear. Eff her, and regain your dignity, sanity, and start down the road of a much better life ahead. I mean no disrespect to you, and if I seem to be swinging 2x4's, it is only because of what my situation and ultimate solution to my ex wife's adultery taught me through the madness.

Truly, I wish you the best of luck, and everybody here wants you to heal, and start a great new life!