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Really enjoyed your posts NaïveAgain and Silverhopes. As I mentioned earlier, a book called Appetites by Caroline Knapp addresses what you are writing about and feeling. Sounds like TG's suggestion was right on topic too.

Aubrie, that rebellious streak in you is awesome. I bet it has saved your life and sanity a few times.

Its nice to read women discuss bodies/self image/aging as it means we are not alone. It is crazymaking that the tightness of our jeans supercedes our accomplishments and drains our energy that can be used for other areas of our lives, but it is pervasive. And very Western centric as well.

Taking care of ourselves, and being kind to ourselves is so important. So hard to get to though.

I'm off on my walk.

People who work out and exercise and get physical have goals and they have to control themselves

Challenging this... I guess if keeping my ticker in shape is a goal I'm guilty of it.

It can be fun too! I took up competitive swimming. I entered a race, beat my seeded time and looked around to congratulate people and get congrats. Everybody else has already finished and was out of the pool. I laughed so hard at how I worked and still got last. At my first marathon I came in last in my age group. Hubby and I had a good laugh considering the training miles I put in.

I don't get the fear of failure thing, obviously.

I guess I'm not helping. Carry on peeps...

I guess if keeping my ticker in shape is a goal I'm guilty of it.

As I said earlier, I fully understand the benefits and health implications. If it was a simple as "mind over matter" this wouldn't be an issue for me. But it's not that simple. My mother's voice rings in my ears. Hurtful memories. My ex. My friends. The hatred of control. The perfectionism. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The panic. The fear. Especially the fear of failure. It's not as easy as brushing it aside. It's a tangled up ball of crazy. And I'm just now starting to untangle it.

Have you tried yoga? At the end of every class they do a relaxation portion where you close your eyes and the instructor says the most beautiful things. The first class I went to the relaxation went something like "relax your toes, your feet, your legs. Thank them for all the work they do for you, for supporting your body, for holding you up while you carry your children, for bringing you here today"

I had tears running down my face and was in love with my feet and legs by the time I left.

My mother's voice rings in my ears. Hurtful memories. My ex. My friends. The hatred of control. The perfectionism. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The panic. The fear.

PTSD. You are fighting PTSD. Have you tried EMDR?

I know it is going to take more than mind over matter. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help. You have to replace the negative soundtrack that plays in your head with more positive ones. Keep telling yourself the truth. And give yourself time to work through the process....

The truth:

Exercise is for fun and health. Exercise CAN be fun. Taking care of my body and loving myself is a good thing. It is what I am supposed to do. My duty in this world is to take care of and nurture myself.

It has been so long since I exercised, that to get going again, I had to fool myself into it. I took 20 to 30 minutes a day and walked on the treadmill, and I read a good book while walking, or I played on my Ipod. The time went fast that way, and I started a habit. Now, after doing that for about a month, for the first time, I am starting to enjoy the walking just because of how it makes my body feel. I don't always use the props anymore. And I worked up a sweat today. I feel better. I have more energy. I may be losing weight, but who cares? I feel good and that is MY time...my time for me.

Especially the fear of failure.

I used to be scared of failure. That meant I wasn't good enough, right? Now, I realize that the only failure is not trying. I've learned it is okay to fail. It took me a long time to learn that and change my perception. Now, I take risks. Sometimes, I fail. It is okay. More important than succeeding is my ability to pick myself up and try again. Perseverance. That is a good trait. And failure is just one more step along the way to success. No one that does anything worthwhile succeeds on their first attempt. How would we learn anything? Life is about learning. I feel that is our purpose here. Learning is important to me. I can't learn what I already know, so I have to try new things that I will maybe fail at. But that is okay. Failure doesn't make me a bad person. It just means I tried something and didn't do so well. Maybe next time, or maybe I will never learn to play the violin or do the butterfly stroke. Doesn't matter, because that still doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't mean I am defective. There are other things I can do well. But I will never learn to do anything new if I don't at least try.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:30 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]

Hey Aubrie

This is a great post.. Lots of good thoughts and opinions on here too.

I will admit that it makes me sad to read how you view working out and exercise. Especially since I've been the most dedicated at exercising than I ever. It started out for me to lose baby weight and to fit into my clothes again. That's all. Just wear my clothes. It turned into a huge passion to lift weights and become a better runner. Then I realized it's the only "me" time I get all day.

That's a huge one for me. I think so many moms out there lack "me" time. That is why many of us WW got into our mess in the first place. Being selfish and wanting something for ourselves. I'm not a crafty type.. I don't like reading books.. Exercise is how I get my "escape" now and getting those feel good endorphins pumping. It's healthy and I feel great.

I hear ya on the "control". I think of it more as discipline though. Keeps me focused and on track for the week. I realize it's not for everyone but it sure has a lot of happy feelings for me that goes with exercising.

This is what I will want to show my daughter. To exercise because it's fun and makes you feel good. Builds strong muscles too. I will be careful about the bad words... Fat will not be in our vocab.

My mom damaged me a lot by telling me that I was going to fat like her when I was a kid. Like that was my destiny whether I liked it or not. I've been told my mom is jealous of me because I haven't turned out like her and have my own path that appears easier than hers. She has no idea and I'm not about to explain anything to her because she's crazy.

I hope you can find a form of exercise that's pleasure. Maybe doing Couch to 5k would be fun? Putting in some headphones and getting out of the house for some "Aubrie" time. I don't know what would tickle your fancy but running could be the ticket. It's adventurous and isn't driven by weight loss. It just feels good and becomes a fun hobby.

Oh boy...

So yeah...triggering and crying a river over here.

I have a mother who complains that she can't "gain weight". She's "up to" 120 lbs now and just look at this "flabby stomach!" She's never been able to "pinch an inch", har har har.

And here I am......Nothing BUT inches to pinch.

It's very hurtful when she makes those comments in front of me.

She has the metabolism of a 10 yr old boy. I have the metabolism of a 90 yr old woman.

I will say this: When I was growing up, she never mentioned that I was gaining weight. She never said I should diet or exercise. She never made me feel badly. I was 165 lbs my sophmore-senior year in high school, AND I was a cheerleader. I was chubby, and I wanted to be smaller but I didn't work at it. (I started on the Pill at 16---that's when I started really gaining. Lady problems, not sex stuff)

I also had those "my daddy doesn't love me" issues...and I chose to bury myself in food and weight so no one would notice me---if I wasn't "attractive" then I couldn't get my heart broken, ya know?

Well..like I said, my MOTHER never made me feel badly about my body. But my FATHER...oh he couldn't say enough. I heard him tell my mother on the phone (I picked up the other line--they didn't know I was on)--anyway, he said "Maybe we should encourage her to pick up a cocaine habit so she'll lose weight." He went on to say that he was embarassed to bring me anywhere, because he didn't want people to know he had a "fat daughter".

Those are the things that stick with you, no matter what.

I wish I'd handled that differently. I wish I would have gone hard into exercising, and being healthy. But I didn't. It was more like this: "you want to see FAT? I'll show you fat." and boy did I.

I'm 38. I had lap band surgery last year. I'm still struggling. At my heaviest I was 263 lbs. I'm less now, but no where near my goal. It's a daily struggle to over come the bad habits...eating when I'm bored, eating when I'm sad, eating just because there's food out.

But, I AM doing it. Slowly, but surely.

I don't even know what the point of my post was going to be.

I guess....I hear you Aubrie. I hear you, I relate, I empathize, and I hate this so much.

The people that were supposed to be building us up did nothing but tear us down.

Silencing the voice in my head that says "go ahead and eat that, you'll always be fat anyway" is the hardest thing I have to do. I fear that even if I do reach my goal, I'll still hear the voice, and I'll still see the fat girl in the mirror.

And then what? How do you fix that? How do you SEE what's really there?

I'll be back in IC, I imagine.

((((((Aubrie))))))))

I KNOW that we're both wonderful and amazing and fantastic and fabulous the way we are (and so is everyone else here!), but it's the FEELING it...that's the problem. I can KNOW I'm awesome. But I don't feel awesome.

*sigh*

You're mom sounds like my mom. My mom didn't work out like a fiend, but she went on every fad diet there was. Grapefruit. Cabbage Soup. You name it. Some quick fix was going to come along and save her and in turn save me too, because I'm built just like her and it wasn't 'right'. I remember going off to Weight Watchers with her when I was a teen.

She kept herself so busy she couldn't think. That was the whole point, as long as she stayed really busy, she didn't have to think about feelings, especially unhappy/negative feelings. And she taught me that as well. She was a perfectionist and she raised me to be one too. Avoid failure at all costs. But for some reason that didn't apply to fad diets, which always did fail.

People who work out and exercise and get physical have goals and they have to control themselves. I. Hate. Control. Because there was so much control in my past, I have an "Eff you, I will do what I want, when I want, because you will not control me." Sure. Body issues. But I don't diet or work out. Because it means control. And I rebel at the idea of having something or someone tell me that I can or cannot do something.

Wow, that's me too. Although I had very few rules growing up to rebel against, I've still had a problem with authority and discipline and control my whole life. I had (still have) a strong stubborn FU attitude. I was a teachers worse nightmare. No one is going to tell me what to do unless I saw the value in it, and even then my mind would keep me stuck and obstinate.

I'd rather have a root canal than take up running. Actually my body simply wouldn't allow me to run even if I wanted to. I've come to understand my limitations and sometimes I work within them and sometimes I stubbornly do not. I'd love to get over these struggles and I need a whole attitude adjustment from the ground up to rewire all the toxic learned behaviors. I also lack discipline, because it seems like a mutated form of control. I've been eating more and more junk lately again and it shows. I commented about my weight creeping up again just this morning. I've fallen off the wagon and only I can do something about that.

However, I walked my butt off yesterday, even if the scale doesn't reflect that. The exercise of the walk wasn't the important part though. The important part was my husband and I spent 12 awesome hours together. We saw 5 deer, who were so unfazed by humans, they were within 8 feet of us and just kept munching on leaves. We tracked a wild turkey along the beach. Saw a bunch of birds we had to later try to learn about and identify. That's the sort of exercise I am eager to do. There is nothing to fail at, and only life experiences and memories to gain, even if the numbers on the scale don't budge.

I know there are some awesome waterfalls within too hours of your place. Get out there and see them! Have fun. Be an explorer. Send me some pictures!

We recently had many hours to kill, and listened to The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you're suppose to be and embrace who you are by Brene Brown. It talks about perfectionism and how it's rooted in shame. It was good too. Another one for your list.

Isn't working out/being active physically something that only you control? So, that would be something that only you had control over, and no one else. It doesn't control you. Nothing has control over you that you don't allow to have control over you. If you're dieting and exercising, YOU'RE in control, KWIM? I know what I'm trying to say but it might be coming out all wrong.

DixieD is a wise lady. I second the suggestion of Brene Brown. She's pretty awesome.

FWIW, I think you're pretty perfect.

(((Aubrie)))

I think if you force yourself to wear the tread out on your runners and will hate it, you know that is self defeating right there. You said it, it's about control. You're feeling out of control, or in control, or too much control, or not enough. What about just letting go of controlling the control? And if you can learn to do that you'll find that internal peace you're looking for, about just being ok with just you. We all have hang ups for whatever reason. The fact that you are even worried about where your hang ups are coming from and acknowledging you have them, you're already doing worlds better than 90% of the rest of us. It's ok to not have all the answers, to never get them even. You can't accept yourself until you accept the things you have no control over.

No one likes to fail. My middle daughter has a lot of anxiety issues and doesn't like to be involved in things or try new things for fear of failing. I tell her to just try it, that she has to try it, just once. And that it's ok if she fails at it, loses, does badly. No matter what, it's ok. Failing is how we learn. Put another way, as waywards, we have failed majorly, so we know what failing truly feels and looks like. So right there is a huge example of where you failed, and you learned from it, grew, became better. Are you still a failure? No. But one time, you failed, and with hard work, you came out ok. Accepting our failures, helps accept ourselves.

Would you start boxing? I'm planning to- right now I'm reading about it because I'm not much for joining gyms or taking classes. I like the book so far- the first two chapters are more about the psychological side of it, because boxing is as much of a mental exercise as it is physical.

Plus, there's the whole getting your aggression and anger out aspect. I have the gloves and a heavy bag in the basement, but all you really need is a chair to use as an 'opponent' and your body. Wear the runners QS got you if you want too.

You can do it in private, you only compete against yourself, you can go as hard (or not) as you want to. I like the self dicipline & self control aspects of it too.

Just another option since I hate running too. And it could be empowering, which maybe kills two birds with one stone.

Ok. You people get me. So much to address. I cant even begin. NA, I want to fight that PTSD idea. I dont know how I feel about it. Itainteasy, I swear we are sisters. Its seriously bizarre our similar struggles. Dixie, I have a plan and a friend on board. We'll take tons of pics. Abby, I hear what you are saying. Logically it makes sense. But then I rebel. Control is bad. Period. Even if I am the one doing the controlling.

My head is killing me. And I'm forcing myself to slow this down. This takes time and I'm starting to feel pressure to getitdone, getitdone! (Pressure from myself, not anyone here.)

Sidenote - Fighting wars with FOO. They can't hurt me directly so they are picking on QS. And last night they got to DS. I sent a text stating it was unacceptable and that I am the parent. I shook and nearly vomited for hours. If you're the praying type, my hair is falling out in handfuls from the stress. While I'm sure I could rawk the bald look, I don't really wanna have to. Ok, back on track.

Grand announcement of sorts. I'm terrified. I'm signing up for a 5k. Had thought about it a while back. It was always a bucket list thing. Just to say I could do it. FOO found out and laughed me to scorn. Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence. And my brother already ran several so it's obviously not a huge deal. Get over yourself Aubrie. Anyway, ditched the idea.

But this is something I have always wanted for me. I wanted to feel that feeling of crossing a finish line. I wanted to feel the pride and sense of accomplishment. Yes, there is a part of me doing this for spite. Screw them and the stupid unicorns they ride in on. I have wanted to do this for forever. I'm not letting them take this from me. I have 3 months before I turn 3-0. I have to do it by then. That's my deadline. Nothing like the last minute eh?

How much am I loved? When I told my girlfriend, she said she wanted to run with me. And two other friends want to TRAVEL so they can run with me. So if I fail, hey at least I wont be alone right? (Joke. It's a joooke.) The only thing that matters is I cross the line. Not my time.

Still reading. Working. I have a feeling I'll keep coming back and updating this thread. Hang out if you want. Or not. Either way, this is where I track my healing.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]

Hi Aubrie,

You are not alone. I grew up with a mother that was an addict, but she found time to comment on how fat I was as a little boy and that no woman was ever going to want a fat boy. This was repeated and was the prevailing attitude in my FOO.

My mother was the opposite of you mother. She drank, smoked, gambled, kept a messy house. To this day, I am still told that I am fat. For her, it was the only thing that she could every say because she wasn't there as a mother and we don't have anything else to talk about. She's started on commenting on my son's hair and it is an immense trigger for me.

I am insecure as hell. I build myself up in my head telling myself that I look great, but every time I walk past a mirror I want to throw up. I can't stand looking at my reflection. Every time I take offense to something some one does, I immediately attribute it to my looks, physical attributes, or whatever is on the outside. I've spent years chasing attention from woman to build myself up. Then I wanted to get notches under my belt to prove to myself how "desirable" I was and relationships and monogamy be damned. Even after I got married, I blamed my BW for not feeding my kibble.

All I can say is that the issue is something you and I have to work on for ourselves. It's simple, but not easy.

I totally relate to the hating to exercise. Through all of this mess I have learned to like exercise and get pissed when I miss my gym time. I started going to different classes because I needed to have someone to tell me what to do because I didn't have the motivation to do it on my own.

I took the attitude that it was my hour of down time to give my brain a rest to focus on something else. The benefit being is now I am healthier and feel a lot better and a bonus that I lost weight but I did not focus on the weight loss part of it.

I use that hour to focus on surviving that class and know how much better I feel afterwards-mentally and physically.

It was all about making it my time to decompress and not so much as exercise to get thin.

Another thing--with the kiddos--we did a family 5k color run (we walked..lol) but the kids still talk about how much fun they had.

Just need to change how you approach the whole exercise mentality and just think of it as being healthy and wanting to be there for your kids to watch them grow up and get married and have children.

When you do it for you---it will make you feel better.

Since you're wanting to do a 5k--do a 5k walk as a family thing first and let them motivate and encourage you to run the next one. You can do it!

Aubrie, I completely understand what you are going through. I'm 5'7" and over 200 lbs. Nothing is good enough for my grandmother... Even when I was a lean 180 lbs(and I looked great!) she told me I was fat and needed to be somewhere between 140 and 160 lbs. It devastated me and I took it to heart. My whole FOO is all about superficial looks. I even started to freak out when my hair started to thin out in my early 20s.

With the help of my BSO I've pretty much worked past that. She likes me the way I am, chubbiness and balding head. I've started to grow my hair out now because it is something I've always wanted to do and she loves it! My FOO hates it and is constantly telling me that I need to cut my hair short. I just blow them off.

It doesn't matter what they think. I have realized that now. The only opinions that matter to me now are mine and my BSOs. It took me the better part of 18 months to set it straight in my head. But every day I had to remind myself that my looks don't need to be based on my FOO but on me.

I still have trouble looking in a mirror without some criticism, but then again who doesn't? Same with my hair... But I know that something's can't be helped.

Aubrie, I'd be honored if you were my sister.

Lucky me, I have 3 brothers. Hooray.

I share the same parents with one of them...the other two we share the same father.

But all 3 of my brothers are "better" than me in one way or the other.

It's no surprise that I have limited contact with my FOO!

Yay! I have another sister. Everyone, meet itainteasy. She's family.

With the help of my BSO I've pretty much worked past that. She likes me the way I am,

I have accepted that QS loves me. I don't understand it. Don't suppose I have to. Point is, he does. It is quite difficult in my low moments to let go of myself and fully enjoy him. He gave me a card Monday night. It was so sweet. It was perfect. But I realized, I didn't believe it. The words felt hollow. Scared me to death! I keep a specific stack of notes, cards, and letters from him within arm's reach that I can read when I get to feeling icky. But bottom line, there will always be an edge of doubt. And I do NOT want to let that come between us. I don't want to doubt or hold back.

I need this for me. Badly. If I can get me aligned, I know the rest will fall into place. Doing better with him, really. But I still do some faking. Pushing nausea and fear down. Because he loves me. And that grin on his face is incredible. I want that "I *know*, that I *know*, that I *know* he loves me" feeling. To have it settle in my soul. Till then, I'm still only faking it. Ya know? So....the work continues.

Aubrie,

I think understand what you're saying now!

He gave me a card Monday night. It was so sweet. It was perfect. But I realized, I didn't believe it. The words felt hollow. ... But bottom line, there will always be an edge of doubt.

That's how I felt during my As. I heard what my BSO was saying, I didn't believe it though. There was always doubt. And there still is time to time when we have our miscommunications. The thing that has changed is: the way I look at myself and the way I feel about myself.

From the sounds of it your FOO denied you the same thing mine did: the ability to develop self-love. For me it took acknowledging my accomplishments... and accepting my failures. It took me realizing that no matter what, at the end of the day I had to answer to one person: me. If I was unsatisfied with the past day I can try to make the next better, can't fix the past; but you can make peace with it.

In the end that's all anyone can really do.

Read half of another half chapter in the book. *sigh* I hate it. But need to work thru it.

I bought some awesome running shoes. And this morning I completed day 1 of the C25K. Could only do half of the run segments. I am reeeeally out of shape. :/ As I hit the last curve in the road, I felt a wave of anger and irritation. A sense of "I failed". Habit would have been to spiral. Because I should be perfect.

But a quiet voice somewhere in the recesses in my soul piped up and said, "But today is only the first day...You just finished day 1." And I felt myself smile.

Five minutes later my husband texted me. "I believe you can do it." Me too Babe. Me too.

WTG!

I didn't hate the book, I think that it scared me more than anything.