It has been interesting to read the replies.
I'm still in the process, but the answer has already started to change and evolve over time.
In the beginning:
D was a non-entity - not even a consideration. It just couldn't happen
D became this symbol of huge personal failure
D became a symbol of my husband's unwillingness to love me, or fight for our relationship, or to uphold the promises we made to each other
D meant the end of my world as I knew it, my childrens' world as they knew it, and all for the selfishness of my husband
D was the epitome of everything i never wanted in my life - for myself or for my children. I lived through it as a child, and it was the beginnig of all the fucked-upness of my life in terms of depression, eating disorders, abandonment issues, etc, etc
NOW, however,
D has started taking on a new meaning....it means freedom.
Freedom from a spouse who isn't able to love me unconditionally. Who actually puts conditions on his love. Who made me feel broken, and I allowed it. A spouse who isn't capable of a true, deep, emotionally connected relationship with someone. Its so very sad to see.
D means that I will have a new opportunity to show my children what healthy boundaries are, and hopefully what a healthy relationship looks like.
D also mean that my children will never look at their father the same way. He didn't just betray me, he betrayed them..He has made himself out to be a liar - everything he told them about family being so important, honesty, and how to treat other people...just words...not the way he lives.
So - D is a mixed bag for me. A very sad and tragic mixed bag.
I will be OK in the end. I will be better.
